Monday, January 25, 2010

Trying to keep going...

Well, we're back in real life now. What does that look like? It looks strange, wierd, and quite empty. I do not even know where to begin from here. A huge part of me wants to lay down, cover up my head, and never get up again. It's all the prayers that are going up for us that keeps us going. I just know it. Prayers have always sustained us and kept us through all of Hannah's obstacles and challenges.

I'd be a liar if I wrote that I do not struggle. I miss my girl unbelievably. She was a part of every inch of my life everyday. Every decision I made, everything I did, everywhere I went, all was wrapped around Hannah. I feel so completely and utterly lost. You just have to understand...she was my life for the past nearly 9 years.

I've wondered did I do enough? Is there something I could have done? Did I miss something? Could I have intervened sooner than I did? Why did I let the epi cancel the testing that was scheduled for Jan. 4th? Could I have fought harder for them to get to the bottom of what was going on? Would any of that have kept her with me longer? The second guessing will drive me insane so I have to stop. All I know is that I loved her and I tried to do everything I could to help her.

Saturday when her lungs quit working I went to take a shower to just get away. I knew things were not looking good. I leaned down in the corner of the dressing area and told God that I wanted her to stay with me. That I wanted my girl with me, but that if he needed her or it was time for her to go I would still love Him. I just wanted Him to know that my desire was for her to remain with me. He chose to take her and I keep my promise. I still love Him.

When we made our decision to take her off life support we called everyone that wanted to say bye to her and let them. Most of her teachers, some family and friends were all able to tell her bye including her little PAL(high school mentor). I would have it no other way and am so glad we made the decision to allow that. Hannah LOVED every one of those people and I'm so glad they got to tell her they loved her and good bye. Then David, myself, the boys and Koolio made the decision to go ahead and remove the life support and she was in all our arms with Koolio licking her feet as she took her final breath. It was so peaceful and not at all like I might have expected or imagined. She passed within minutes. We held her for a while and I sang, "I love my Hannah...she loves me too...I love my everything we do". It was absolutely the most painful thing my heart has ever experienced and I pray I never have to do it again. I can't even describe the pain I feel at her loss. There is a peace but it still hurts mercilessly.

Her funeral was perfect. Hannah touched so many lives and only Hannah could have brought together so many different people and make them a family. She was just such an amazing little lady. I'm so thankful for all the people who came to pay their respects. It was an incredible tribute to our angels life. One I'll never forget.

At the grave site when we were finishing up David made an request and the boys and I ran to his side thinking he was going to really fall apart. He then asked if everyone could sing the Barney song because he thought Hannah would like that....the entire group of people sang in unison..."I love love me...we're a happy family...with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you...won't you say you love me too". It was absolutely the most perfect thing in the world for the moment. I'm so glad Hannah had such a wonderful daddy who loved her endlessly and tirelessly.

Hannah loved school and her teachers so much. Her teachers were amazing. I can't tell you how much appreciation and love I have for these ladies. They made our girls life as full as it could be and I will forever be grateful for it. I'm so glad I made the decision to set my fears aside and let her experience school.

I have no idea what life holds from here. I do however know that our girl put up quite the fight to live life and I would be doing her a memory a dishonor not to keep fighting and living as well. Please continue to pray for us. I'm not sure how much I'll keep up this blog but if I decide to move on to another blog then I will let you all know so whoever wants to continue to follow can.

Please keep praying for us. We desperately need it and appreciate it.


Lois Loar said...

Reading this with tears in my eyes. You are a HeroMom, Marcey. You always prayed and looked to God and you did what was right for Hannah, of this I am certain.

Wish I could hug you right now. And David, too.

Cheri said...

Just wanted you to know you are still in my prayers everyday! You did everything humanly possible for her and I don't ever want you to doubt that for a minute. She was blessed to have you for a mom. I Love You! See Ya Soon! Cheri Walton

Kristen said...

I do not know you and you do not know me. However, I've been following your journey with your beautiful angel and will continue to pray for you and your family. You are an amazing mother and never doubt that you did everything right. God gave her to YOU for a reason. God bless you and your angel, Hannah.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss Tony will never forget "Hanna Bananna,Ladybug" he tells me he will love her forever. Felicia

Jennifer said...

You all are definitely in our prayers!


Jennifer McMahan
(a fellow Dravet mom)

Sally G said...

Marcey, You are so loved, as Hannah is. That is one of Margs favorite songs, and still its, the Barney song. Amazing how so alike our girls are. Thank you so for sharing. So many hugs and prayers from Iowa.

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you and your family. Love you all.

Ms. Read

Anonymous said...

You are never alone...God is with you in this most difficult time of your life. You are turly a blessing and so is your precious Hannah. Love Always!!

**God bring peace**