It feels like whenever I open my mouth or start to type anything it comes out depressing. I do not like being the depressing person. I don't think anyone in my position could ever be constantly upbeat but I strive to be as positive as I can despite the circumstances, and to find the good in everything that happens. Let me tell you these circumstances stink to high holy heaven though! I am sorry that I am this person now but I don't think it's going to change. Actually I'm not sorry because the person I am now loved her girl so much that her passing has affected her to the core. I don't think any mom that loved their child could lose them and be the same. My hope is that some of you love me or like me enough to let that be o.k.
I do feel dog piled and there isn't a lot of positive stuff going on in my life right now. Honestly everything kind of stinks all the way around. My boys, David and my faith that God has a plan are all that get me up each day.
Hannah's loss has turned my world upside down. I need to stay busy so I am going to attempt to participate in a weekly group(similar to ones I've done in past) and will take a break from blogging for a bit. I promise if anything eventful happens I will post it here. I will continue Hannah's blog in some form and will share that with all of you when I do it. Thank you to all of you who continue to support and pray for us. It means a lot to me.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
1 yr today
Billie; David's mom, my wonderful mother in law, and nanna to my kids, passed away one year ago today. I don't think it does get easier. Everyone says that but it hasn't for us. We will always love and miss you Billie!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
One Month...
In a few hours the date will mark the one month passing of my girl. Man, do I miss her! Sometimes the loss is felt so deep I can barely breathe. I'd give anything to kiss that beautiful forehead again.
Hannah struggled medically her entire life but she was such a fighter it was hard to imagine her doing anything but beating the odds always. Although I began to suspect a couple days before she passed it was still hard to believe she wasn't going to pull through this one. Did you know that the first time she was seen by a neuro he looked me in the eye and told me "you can't die from a seizure". However I knew otherwise because of research and reading about parents who had lost their precious children to seizures. Yes, you can live everyday with seizures and you can have a good life despite them. But...yes, you can also die from seizures and more children are all the time.
People ask me if I'm angry at God? I do get angry but not at God. I'm angry at seizures. I hate them. I want to defeat them. I don't want another mother to lose her baby to one. I want the world to know they are vicious, mean, and they change the life of a person who has them and the lives of all that love them. The medications are ruthless and they leave our precious chidren worn out, cognitively hindered, confused, and afraid. Seizures are a monster. They terrorize. There is not enough research going on and that needs to change.
So, no, I'm not angry at God. You have to understand that my faith has been in a transformation stage the last couple years. God is my best friend. There are so many small details to Hannah's passing that only God could have orchastrated and they each just let me know He was there with me. No, I do not like that my girl is gone. I hurt beyond belief. I do not understand and I do question why. However, when things are unbearable and it's hard to even breathe I know He's with me and He is there with comfort. Whether it's just a rush of strength or someone to lean on. He's been my provider and I have to believe always will be.
My Hannah was precious beyond belief. She absolutely loved life. She had autism but we were so fortunate in that she loved people. She loved living. Hannah was a good natured quirky little girl. We laughed constantly around her. She had such a joy to her that you couldn't help yourself. I think that's the hardest thing for us right now. We all fed off her love for life and without her we're stuck trying to find that joy ourselves. It's quite the feat but we're trying.
Life with autism is hard. I don't want it to sound like it's a walk in the park. It's not. Our world is rough. It's intolerant of differences, and in all it's flexibility, it's not flexible at all. It's sometimes pretty durn cruel. I remember taking Hannah to vacation Bible school one year and she was flapping during a game and one little boy looked at her and said, "you're really wierd". His tone of voice scared Hannah. She didn't understand that he didn't like her, however I did and I can tell you my mother's heart was broken. I also overheard another mother in church tell her daughter that Hannah "was not all there" one time. It took everything in me to refrain from telling her SHE was the one not all there! I think our world just needs a huge dose of compassion.
(Speaking of compassion Hannah's name meant, "compassionate bearer of mercy and devoted to God". I picked the name Hannah because it is one of my favorite Bible stories and I never in a million years thought the Hannah in the Bible and I would have something somewhat in common someday. Totally off subject but just thought about it and that's kind of cool. Just a little side note. LOL!)
I can also tell you that despite the cruelness in the world there are still people who care. People who reach outside of their own world and touch the world of others. Others in need. I feel forever blessed that Hannah opened up my world and I got to experience and got to know some of the most amazing humans on the planet. Other special needs kids and parents, teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, and strangers(some who became dear friends). It was evident to us at Hannah's passing that she was loved by a lot of people and that meant the world to us.
I don't know what the months or even days ahead have in store for me. I know everyday will be etched in sadness. Some days worse than other. I can tell you the one thing I feel more than anything.....Hannah Gabrielle Chapman was a gift from God straight to her momma. She will be missed beyond measure and my heart will always be heavy with the loss of her. The hole in my heart can never be filled but my girl loved life and I will somehow find a way to continue to love and live that life for her when I can't do it for myself.
Please continue to pray for us and we love all of you! Thank you so much for your continued prayer and support!
Hannah struggled medically her entire life but she was such a fighter it was hard to imagine her doing anything but beating the odds always. Although I began to suspect a couple days before she passed it was still hard to believe she wasn't going to pull through this one. Did you know that the first time she was seen by a neuro he looked me in the eye and told me "you can't die from a seizure". However I knew otherwise because of research and reading about parents who had lost their precious children to seizures. Yes, you can live everyday with seizures and you can have a good life despite them. But...yes, you can also die from seizures and more children are all the time.
People ask me if I'm angry at God? I do get angry but not at God. I'm angry at seizures. I hate them. I want to defeat them. I don't want another mother to lose her baby to one. I want the world to know they are vicious, mean, and they change the life of a person who has them and the lives of all that love them. The medications are ruthless and they leave our precious chidren worn out, cognitively hindered, confused, and afraid. Seizures are a monster. They terrorize. There is not enough research going on and that needs to change.
So, no, I'm not angry at God. You have to understand that my faith has been in a transformation stage the last couple years. God is my best friend. There are so many small details to Hannah's passing that only God could have orchastrated and they each just let me know He was there with me. No, I do not like that my girl is gone. I hurt beyond belief. I do not understand and I do question why. However, when things are unbearable and it's hard to even breathe I know He's with me and He is there with comfort. Whether it's just a rush of strength or someone to lean on. He's been my provider and I have to believe always will be.
My Hannah was precious beyond belief. She absolutely loved life. She had autism but we were so fortunate in that she loved people. She loved living. Hannah was a good natured quirky little girl. We laughed constantly around her. She had such a joy to her that you couldn't help yourself. I think that's the hardest thing for us right now. We all fed off her love for life and without her we're stuck trying to find that joy ourselves. It's quite the feat but we're trying.
Life with autism is hard. I don't want it to sound like it's a walk in the park. It's not. Our world is rough. It's intolerant of differences, and in all it's flexibility, it's not flexible at all. It's sometimes pretty durn cruel. I remember taking Hannah to vacation Bible school one year and she was flapping during a game and one little boy looked at her and said, "you're really wierd". His tone of voice scared Hannah. She didn't understand that he didn't like her, however I did and I can tell you my mother's heart was broken. I also overheard another mother in church tell her daughter that Hannah "was not all there" one time. It took everything in me to refrain from telling her SHE was the one not all there! I think our world just needs a huge dose of compassion.
(Speaking of compassion Hannah's name meant, "compassionate bearer of mercy and devoted to God". I picked the name Hannah because it is one of my favorite Bible stories and I never in a million years thought the Hannah in the Bible and I would have something somewhat in common someday. Totally off subject but just thought about it and that's kind of cool. Just a little side note. LOL!)
I can also tell you that despite the cruelness in the world there are still people who care. People who reach outside of their own world and touch the world of others. Others in need. I feel forever blessed that Hannah opened up my world and I got to experience and got to know some of the most amazing humans on the planet. Other special needs kids and parents, teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, and strangers(some who became dear friends). It was evident to us at Hannah's passing that she was loved by a lot of people and that meant the world to us.
I don't know what the months or even days ahead have in store for me. I know everyday will be etched in sadness. Some days worse than other. I can tell you the one thing I feel more than anything.....Hannah Gabrielle Chapman was a gift from God straight to her momma. She will be missed beyond measure and my heart will always be heavy with the loss of her. The hole in my heart can never be filled but my girl loved life and I will somehow find a way to continue to love and live that life for her when I can't do it for myself.
Please continue to pray for us and we love all of you! Thank you so much for your continued prayer and support!
thank yous
I'm glad my girl was so loved but I'm going to forget to thank somone. :( There is just no way to stay organized during a time like this. SIGH!
We're making it...by the grace of God
Our precious girl will be gone a month tomorrow. Friday will be a year since Billie left us. The heartache is indescribeble and inconsolable. Only through the strength and Grace of God can we keep going. Our trust is in Him. “The LORD is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble; And He KNOWS those who trust in Him.” (Nahum 1:7 NKJV)
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Happy Birthday Koolio
Today is Koolio's birthday. He is 2 today. Wish his girl was here to celebrate with him. She'd love singing Happy Birthday and giving him extra treats. We'd have planned a grand celebration the two of us! Happy birthday Kool man! Momma loves ya and am so thankful for all you did for your girl!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sadness....
Nothing worth reading really to write. Losing my girl and not having her beautiful, amazing smile greet me everyday is pure torment. I know and believe God always has a purpose for the things he does and I believe with all my heart that he took her home because it was time. Still I don't like it and it really stinks for us. That girl breathed life into a room when she walked in it. There's a lot of life gone from mine now and the sad thing is that it's not a temporary absence. It is forever gone.
I have not gone through any of her things. I can't and I won't until I feel like I can. That's one thing I refuse to let anyone pressure me to do. Of course I think going 2 wks after her passing and purchasing a stone is quite the feat. I wasn't ready but did it anyway. A good friend of mine is going to make me a memory quilt out of some of Hannah's clothes that I choose. I think that will make going through them easier. The things she loved the most I can put in a box and she can use in the quilt. I'm also looking into someone making a memorial bracelet. I have been wearing Hannah's hair tie on my finger. Don't ask me why. It just makes me feel like I am not forgetting her.
We spent Saturday after some appt's for David with our friends in Plano. It was a nice get away. The guys really enjoyed it. I wasn't very good company but tried. Kyle really enjoyed going to the Lincoln dinner with Ann and Karen Sat. night. He had his picture taken with Congressmen Johnson and Hall. It was a great experience for him and we're so thankful he had. David, Zach and I had a great time hanging out with Dyann while Kyle was off at the dinner. Sunday we had breakfast at Poor Richards(awesome place), the guys went to church in Plano(I did not feel up to going), and we finished the day off with a Superbowl party in the neighborhood of our friends.
Last week was a horrible week for me. I think some of the adrenaline is wearing off and the reality is setting in. It's not a pretty reality and I would give anything not to have it be my reality. But I can't so now it's off to try to figure out how to have this huge hole in the center of my life. The hole is so big that there is not a lot of me left. That little bit of me just doesn't know what to do. It's so unbelievably lost and sad.
I know this wasn't a pleasant read. I can't apologize for it though. You have to know where I'm at so you can pray for me to get through this. I also know this isn't all about me but David and the boys aren't blogging; I am. It may seem like I'm thinking only of my grief when I write. Believe me...I am not. We're all grieving and miss her so much. My posting probably sounds a little hopeless even, but I am never without hope. I know God's hand has been in it all and His ways are perfect. I am thankful beyond measure for the wholeness our Hannah is experiencing. No more sickness, seizures, or frustrations because the words were stuck in her head and she couldn't get them out. The next time I see my girl we can sit down and have a conversation about anything she wants to talk about. She will be clearly understood and I will rejoice in it. Hopeless is the last thing I feel. Indescribable sadness, that IS what I feel.
Love you all!
I have not gone through any of her things. I can't and I won't until I feel like I can. That's one thing I refuse to let anyone pressure me to do. Of course I think going 2 wks after her passing and purchasing a stone is quite the feat. I wasn't ready but did it anyway. A good friend of mine is going to make me a memory quilt out of some of Hannah's clothes that I choose. I think that will make going through them easier. The things she loved the most I can put in a box and she can use in the quilt. I'm also looking into someone making a memorial bracelet. I have been wearing Hannah's hair tie on my finger. Don't ask me why. It just makes me feel like I am not forgetting her.
We spent Saturday after some appt's for David with our friends in Plano. It was a nice get away. The guys really enjoyed it. I wasn't very good company but tried. Kyle really enjoyed going to the Lincoln dinner with Ann and Karen Sat. night. He had his picture taken with Congressmen Johnson and Hall. It was a great experience for him and we're so thankful he had. David, Zach and I had a great time hanging out with Dyann while Kyle was off at the dinner. Sunday we had breakfast at Poor Richards(awesome place), the guys went to church in Plano(I did not feel up to going), and we finished the day off with a Superbowl party in the neighborhood of our friends.
Last week was a horrible week for me. I think some of the adrenaline is wearing off and the reality is setting in. It's not a pretty reality and I would give anything not to have it be my reality. But I can't so now it's off to try to figure out how to have this huge hole in the center of my life. The hole is so big that there is not a lot of me left. That little bit of me just doesn't know what to do. It's so unbelievably lost and sad.
I know this wasn't a pleasant read. I can't apologize for it though. You have to know where I'm at so you can pray for me to get through this. I also know this isn't all about me but David and the boys aren't blogging; I am. It may seem like I'm thinking only of my grief when I write. Believe me...I am not. We're all grieving and miss her so much. My posting probably sounds a little hopeless even, but I am never without hope. I know God's hand has been in it all and His ways are perfect. I am thankful beyond measure for the wholeness our Hannah is experiencing. No more sickness, seizures, or frustrations because the words were stuck in her head and she couldn't get them out. The next time I see my girl we can sit down and have a conversation about anything she wants to talk about. She will be clearly understood and I will rejoice in it. Hopeless is the last thing I feel. Indescribable sadness, that IS what I feel.
Love you all!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Love this song...
Not anything really to do with Hannah's story but love this song. David heard it and told me about it yesterday.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfdwbuIv8bI
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfdwbuIv8bI
mornings and evenings
I can hear the boys readying for school. The mornings and evenings are the hardest for me. Really I think it is all hard. I still can't drive through a McDonalds and wonder if I ever will. However the mornings is when I'd wake her up and we'd be so silly as she was excited about going to school. In the evenings it was all about getting ready for the next day. Oh, how I'd give anything to play a game of "matching" or "do colors" again. My girl was precious beyond description.
My heart constantly breaks. I'd be lying if I told you it was not a fight to continue to take part in life around me. It is a fight. I'm fortunate in that I have a wonderful husband who although is grieving so intensely himself, he's not letting me do mine alone and I not letting him do his alone. We will do this together. We've done so much together in the 20 years we've been married but this is by far the hardest thing we've ever done. Hannah was a beautiful girl and she was ours.
The boys are doing as good as they can be, I think. I know that this has and will impact their lives forever. My prayer is that they will take what they learned from Hannah and always honor her in their actions to others. I have two great guys who I am super proud of. They loved their sister with all their heart and they sacrificed a lot due to the challenges she had that impacted our family. They did it however without a complaint. I know she was loved deeply by her brothers.
I had dinner with a couple of Hannah's teachers yesterday. It was so good to see these ladies. I hope to get with the others soon. I wish all kids with special needs could experience these ladies. I'm thankful beyond measure Hannah had such wonderful teachers who loved her so.
While you are praying for us could you please say a prayer for the many families who have children suffering from seizures. Pray for strength, clarity of mind, peace, and healing. There are more of us than you probably know and we're sleep deprived, scared, and hurting. Our babies have a disorder that no one really truly understands. Doctors visits are filled with trying new meds or adjusting current meds. Meds that have horrible and vicious side effects. Most of these kids have been on numerous medications with little to no results and those moms are just holding their breath hoping and praying that the next seizure stops and that they never have the BIG one that takes the life of their precious child. There are many blessings to these kiddos so take the time to get to know one. The pain however that these parents and children go though is one that no one should have to experience. They are making progress in the scientific/medical field with seizues but it's SLOW. Too slow. Just please pray for these mommy's and if you know of one or meet one please let them know they aren't alone.
I thank you for your continued prayers as we will forever miss our Hannah. I am keeping ths blog up. Some things have been laid on my heart to do and I'm not sure how or when I will do them but we'll just keep waiting on God and just doing the next thing.
Love to you all!
My heart constantly breaks. I'd be lying if I told you it was not a fight to continue to take part in life around me. It is a fight. I'm fortunate in that I have a wonderful husband who although is grieving so intensely himself, he's not letting me do mine alone and I not letting him do his alone. We will do this together. We've done so much together in the 20 years we've been married but this is by far the hardest thing we've ever done. Hannah was a beautiful girl and she was ours.
The boys are doing as good as they can be, I think. I know that this has and will impact their lives forever. My prayer is that they will take what they learned from Hannah and always honor her in their actions to others. I have two great guys who I am super proud of. They loved their sister with all their heart and they sacrificed a lot due to the challenges she had that impacted our family. They did it however without a complaint. I know she was loved deeply by her brothers.
I had dinner with a couple of Hannah's teachers yesterday. It was so good to see these ladies. I hope to get with the others soon. I wish all kids with special needs could experience these ladies. I'm thankful beyond measure Hannah had such wonderful teachers who loved her so.
While you are praying for us could you please say a prayer for the many families who have children suffering from seizures. Pray for strength, clarity of mind, peace, and healing. There are more of us than you probably know and we're sleep deprived, scared, and hurting. Our babies have a disorder that no one really truly understands. Doctors visits are filled with trying new meds or adjusting current meds. Meds that have horrible and vicious side effects. Most of these kids have been on numerous medications with little to no results and those moms are just holding their breath hoping and praying that the next seizure stops and that they never have the BIG one that takes the life of their precious child. There are many blessings to these kiddos so take the time to get to know one. The pain however that these parents and children go though is one that no one should have to experience. They are making progress in the scientific/medical field with seizues but it's SLOW. Too slow. Just please pray for these mommy's and if you know of one or meet one please let them know they aren't alone.
I thank you for your continued prayers as we will forever miss our Hannah. I am keeping ths blog up. Some things have been laid on my heart to do and I'm not sure how or when I will do them but we'll just keep waiting on God and just doing the next thing.
Love to you all!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Hannah's stone
I made a quick trip to Denison to order a stone for Hannah's grave. Luckily I was able to pick up my friend Annie in Plano and she made the trip with me. I think I picked out a perfect stone for our girl; an heart with an angel for an angel who will forever have our heart. It was another one of those hard things I have to do but I did it. Not sure how but I did. On the way back we stopped in Allen and an enjoyable lunch with Bab.
How are we doing? How are we really doing? We're all breathing. Sometimes it's as basic as that. Not being dramatic or anything it's just the way it is. It feels like there is this huge hole smack in the middle of our lives. All of us are coping the best way we can. We are loving each other through this and so thankful for the prayers going up on our behalf.
I'm a pretty open book good or bad most of the time. I do question things sometimes. I sit in Hannah's room and hug her things close and cry my eyes out and wonder why. As my friend reminded me today God can handle my questions. Aren't we glad of that!?!?!
I should get busy. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and support!
How are we doing? How are we really doing? We're all breathing. Sometimes it's as basic as that. Not being dramatic or anything it's just the way it is. It feels like there is this huge hole smack in the middle of our lives. All of us are coping the best way we can. We are loving each other through this and so thankful for the prayers going up on our behalf.
I'm a pretty open book good or bad most of the time. I do question things sometimes. I sit in Hannah's room and hug her things close and cry my eyes out and wonder why. As my friend reminded me today God can handle my questions. Aren't we glad of that!?!?!
I should get busy. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and support!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thank You!
Greetings,
We want to thank each and every one of you for your kindness, support and genuine care during the loss of our Hannah. We have been overwhelmed with the outpouring that came our way. Thank you for the beautiful flowers & plants, money to help with expenses, personal gifts, and donations to her memorials. We sincerely thank you.
There are not words to describe the loss we feel. We will always miss our girl. Always! We’re thankful for the nearly 9 years we had with Hannah. She was an amazing little girl who left smiles everywhere she went. Hannah met every challenge that came her way with a spirit of life. She loved living and she made everyone around her love living too. That’s what our family holds onto. We will love life and honor her memory while we do it.
Many have asked about Koolio. Koolio will remain with our family. He’s grieving the loss of his girl right along with us. He misses his girl a lot. We’re so thankful to have him and thank all of you for helping us get him for Hannah. He was truly a devoted companion who cared for his girl tirelessly. My hope is to eventually use him in some epilepsy, autism, & service dog awareness education. I think it would be a perfect new job for him.
We are in the process of writing thank you notes now. I am worried that we are going to miss someone so if you could forward this general thank you to everyone you know that loved our girl we’d appreciate it, and please if you do not get a personal note, know that it is not intentional. I’ve done my best to keep it all straight. There are just a lot of people who loved our Hannah and love us. I had no idea. We love all of you and sincerely thank you. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
God Bless,
The Chapman’s
David, Marcey, Kyle, Zach & Koolio
www.hannahstory.blogspot.com
We want to thank each and every one of you for your kindness, support and genuine care during the loss of our Hannah. We have been overwhelmed with the outpouring that came our way. Thank you for the beautiful flowers & plants, money to help with expenses, personal gifts, and donations to her memorials. We sincerely thank you.
There are not words to describe the loss we feel. We will always miss our girl. Always! We’re thankful for the nearly 9 years we had with Hannah. She was an amazing little girl who left smiles everywhere she went. Hannah met every challenge that came her way with a spirit of life. She loved living and she made everyone around her love living too. That’s what our family holds onto. We will love life and honor her memory while we do it.
Many have asked about Koolio. Koolio will remain with our family. He’s grieving the loss of his girl right along with us. He misses his girl a lot. We’re so thankful to have him and thank all of you for helping us get him for Hannah. He was truly a devoted companion who cared for his girl tirelessly. My hope is to eventually use him in some epilepsy, autism, & service dog awareness education. I think it would be a perfect new job for him.
We are in the process of writing thank you notes now. I am worried that we are going to miss someone so if you could forward this general thank you to everyone you know that loved our girl we’d appreciate it, and please if you do not get a personal note, know that it is not intentional. I’ve done my best to keep it all straight. There are just a lot of people who loved our Hannah and love us. I had no idea. We love all of you and sincerely thank you. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
God Bless,
The Chapman’s
David, Marcey, Kyle, Zach & Koolio
www.hannahstory.blogspot.com
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