Monday, February 8, 2010


Nothing worth reading really to write. Losing my girl and not having her beautiful, amazing smile greet me everyday is pure torment. I know and believe God always has a purpose for the things he does and I believe with all my heart that he took her home because it was time. Still I don't like it and it really stinks for us. That girl breathed life into a room when she walked in it. There's a lot of life gone from mine now and the sad thing is that it's not a temporary absence. It is forever gone.

I have not gone through any of her things. I can't and I won't until I feel like I can. That's one thing I refuse to let anyone pressure me to do. Of course I think going 2 wks after her passing and purchasing a stone is quite the feat. I wasn't ready but did it anyway. A good friend of mine is going to make me a memory quilt out of some of Hannah's clothes that I choose. I think that will make going through them easier. The things she loved the most I can put in a box and she can use in the quilt. I'm also looking into someone making a memorial bracelet. I have been wearing Hannah's hair tie on my finger. Don't ask me why. It just makes me feel like I am not forgetting her.

We spent Saturday after some appt's for David with our friends in Plano. It was a nice get away. The guys really enjoyed it. I wasn't very good company but tried. Kyle really enjoyed going to the Lincoln dinner with Ann and Karen Sat. night. He had his picture taken with Congressmen Johnson and Hall. It was a great experience for him and we're so thankful he had. David, Zach and I had a great time hanging out with Dyann while Kyle was off at the dinner. Sunday we had breakfast at Poor Richards(awesome place), the guys went to church in Plano(I did not feel up to going), and we finished the day off with a Superbowl party in the neighborhood of our friends.

Last week was a horrible week for me. I think some of the adrenaline is wearing off and the reality is setting in. It's not a pretty reality and I would give anything not to have it be my reality. But I can't so now it's off to try to figure out how to have this huge hole in the center of my life. The hole is so big that there is not a lot of me left. That little bit of me just doesn't know what to do. It's so unbelievably lost and sad.

I know this wasn't a pleasant read. I can't apologize for it though. You have to know where I'm at so you can pray for me to get through this. I also know this isn't all about me but David and the boys aren't blogging; I am. It may seem like I'm thinking only of my grief when I write. Believe me...I am not. We're all grieving and miss her so much. My posting probably sounds a little hopeless even, but I am never without hope. I know God's hand has been in it all and His ways are perfect. I am thankful beyond measure for the wholeness our Hannah is experiencing. No more sickness, seizures, or frustrations because the words were stuck in her head and she couldn't get them out. The next time I see my girl we can sit down and have a conversation about anything she wants to talk about. She will be clearly understood and I will rejoice in it. Hopeless is the last thing I feel. Indescribable sadness, that IS what I feel.

Love you all!


Anonymous said...

Marcey, I love you! Your words are beautiful even if sadness does come through. (or anger or fear or whatever is real)There is nothing I can say that will give you comfort except that you are loved! I am praying now for God to hold you and all that you are feeling, that you won't feel rushed into anything before you are ready, and that you will know that you are loved and are an amazing woman, an outstanding mom and wife! God really did give Hannah the best!


Sally G said...

Ah Marcey. Don't rush anything. My dear friend here who lost her son 7 years ago took 6 years to go through his room. Be thankful for the hole, you love your Hannah and she was so much of your life. God will heal it when He knows you are ready. I am sad for you today too. Love you. and am thinking about David and the boys, too.