Tuesday, February 16, 2010

One Month...

In a few hours the date will mark the one month passing of my girl. Man, do I miss her! Sometimes the loss is felt so deep I can barely breathe. I'd give anything to kiss that beautiful forehead again.

Hannah struggled medically her entire life but she was such a fighter it was hard to imagine her doing anything but beating the odds always. Although I began to suspect a couple days before she passed it was still hard to believe she wasn't going to pull through this one. Did you know that the first time she was seen by a neuro he looked me in the eye and told me "you can't die from a seizure". However I knew otherwise because of research and reading about parents who had lost their precious children to seizures. Yes, you can live everyday with seizures and you can have a good life despite them. But...yes, you can also die from seizures and more children are all the time.

People ask me if I'm angry at God? I do get angry but not at God. I'm angry at seizures. I hate them. I want to defeat them. I don't want another mother to lose her baby to one. I want the world to know they are vicious, mean, and they change the life of a person who has them and the lives of all that love them. The medications are ruthless and they leave our precious chidren worn out, cognitively hindered, confused, and afraid. Seizures are a monster. They terrorize. There is not enough research going on and that needs to change.

So, no, I'm not angry at God. You have to understand that my faith has been in a transformation stage the last couple years. God is my best friend. There are so many small details to Hannah's passing that only God could have orchastrated and they each just let me know He was there with me. No, I do not like that my girl is gone. I hurt beyond belief. I do not understand and I do question why. However, when things are unbearable and it's hard to even breathe I know He's with me and He is there with comfort. Whether it's just a rush of strength or someone to lean on. He's been my provider and I have to believe always will be.

My Hannah was precious beyond belief. She absolutely loved life. She had autism but we were so fortunate in that she loved people. She loved living. Hannah was a good natured quirky little girl. We laughed constantly around her. She had such a joy to her that you couldn't help yourself. I think that's the hardest thing for us right now. We all fed off her love for life and without her we're stuck trying to find that joy ourselves. It's quite the feat but we're trying.

Life with autism is hard. I don't want it to sound like it's a walk in the park. It's not. Our world is rough. It's intolerant of differences, and in all it's flexibility, it's not flexible at all. It's sometimes pretty durn cruel. I remember taking Hannah to vacation Bible school one year and she was flapping during a game and one little boy looked at her and said, "you're really wierd". His tone of voice scared Hannah. She didn't understand that he didn't like her, however I did and I can tell you my mother's heart was broken. I also overheard another mother in church tell her daughter that Hannah "was not all there" one time. It took everything in me to refrain from telling her SHE was the one not all there! I think our world just needs a huge dose of compassion.

(Speaking of compassion Hannah's name meant, "compassionate bearer of mercy and devoted to God". I picked the name Hannah because it is one of my favorite Bible stories and I never in a million years thought the Hannah in the Bible and I would have something somewhat in common someday. Totally off subject but just thought about it and that's kind of cool. Just a little side note. LOL!)

I can also tell you that despite the cruelness in the world there are still people who care. People who reach outside of their own world and touch the world of others. Others in need. I feel forever blessed that Hannah opened up my world and I got to experience and got to know some of the most amazing humans on the planet. Other special needs kids and parents, teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, and strangers(some who became dear friends). It was evident to us at Hannah's passing that she was loved by a lot of people and that meant the world to us.

I don't know what the months or even days ahead have in store for me. I know everyday will be etched in sadness. Some days worse than other. I can tell you the one thing I feel more than anything.....Hannah Gabrielle Chapman was a gift from God straight to her momma. She will be missed beyond measure and my heart will always be heavy with the loss of her. The hole in my heart can never be filled but my girl loved life and I will somehow find a way to continue to love and live that life for her when I can't do it for myself.

Please continue to pray for us and we love all of you! Thank you so much for your continued prayer and support!


joefelein said...

Thank you Marcey for sharing your daughter with us. Her life is such an example to many of us and the joy she brought to everyone she touched is truly her legacy.

God will continue to bless you and your family.

Sally G said...

Marcey, Thanks again for the encouragement. Your family is a blessing. I can't imagine the hole.

Love you.