Apology beforehand of the rambling state of this post. Sometimes I just have to type and let it be whether it's good, makes sense or not.
It feels really awful not writing here on a regular basis. Just further evidence that Hannah is no longer with us. She's been gone 5 months now. We still miss her terribly. Not a day goes by that I do not shed some tears at the thought of not having her with me. I just miss her beyond belief. She was the light in our lives. A light that is irreplaceable. We'll never experience that light again in this lifetime. It's incredibly sad and immensely painful.
I don't know how other parents who have lost children feel but I know that everything feels strange for me. I've never been an angry person and for the last month I've really been dealing with some anger. I cannot even begin to describe what it is like to watch your family, friends, neighbors, and the world go on with life as it was before when your life has been so painfully altered. It's just the strangest feeling. I certainly don't blame everyone for going on with life, and I realize I have to somehow go on too, however, just the fact that I have to do it without Hannah is infuriating sometimes. I'd have to say that right now it's infuriating a lot of the time. My heart LONGS for her beautiful face and the sound of her voice. There are times when I'd sell my soul if I could have one more day with her. The whole experience is just indescibable. It's merciless almost.
Don't worry about my soul(I would never sell it!) ;) I talk to God and listen to Him regularly. I KNOW God is at work in all of this. My faith is intact. I can tell you this...God does not take the pain away. He does not ease it. He does help me tolerate it. I'm sure that really messed with some of your theology but it's the truth. I will never get over losing Hannah. It will never not hurt. I will however by the grace of God learn to live with it, and my hope is that I can learn to live well despite the constant pain in my heart.
I believe I will have a great life. I'll have an enjoyable life. I'll strive to use my experiences with Hannah and her loss to help other people. I know God has a plan and I'm trying to really let life happen. Whatever that might be. I did a one day workshop about a year ago. Billie had just passed away and I really thought that what I had learned that day applied to life without her. I had no idea I'd be living a life without Hannah nearly a year later. One of the phrases used in this workshop was "just do the next thing". I am a pro at attempting to figure out life. You'd think by now I'd learn that things just don't happen the way I think they are supposed to. My plans never pan out. I do know that when I "just do the next thing" life is so much more pleasant. It's flowing and freeing. I've been doing a lot more of "just doing the next thing" lately and it's working for me. I cannot live beyond the day right now. Actually I can't live beyond the moment. I love to read scripture in several bibles when I do my Bible study time. Matthew 6:34in The Message translation reads, "34 Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." He does help me. He's there every time I call. He doesn't rescue me from my pain but he sure makes it bearable. Thank you Lord for your constant care and please give my angel a big kiss on the forehead for me tonight!
God bless all and please keep us in your prayers.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Saying Goodbye to Hannah's home
So, we're in our Arlington home pretty much and we're loving it. We are really enjoying the house even though it is full of boxes and nothing is in place. The move was exhausting and hard but it's done and I'm thanking God for all He has provided.
Hannah lived in three homes with us in Hillsboro. The last one was the longest. 5 years. The night before we started moving I cried and decided we weren't going to move. I was serious too. It was late at night, everyone was in bed, and I was going to announce to David that next morning I had changed my mind. Regardless of being out lots of money, etc. I wasn't leaving my girl. I then went and sat in the floor of Hannah's room with all it's boxes and empty shelves and prayed and cried. It's sad to say but I pray more now than I ever did before. Don't get me wrong, I prayed regularly before, however my prayers have changed and I honestly feel like I have a friend I can go to when no one else can help me or hear me. It's an amazing feeling. As I sat there talking to my friend I felt a peace and calm descend on me. I've felt that so many times in the past nearly 5 months. God spoke quietness to my anxious heart. He reminded me that Hannah wasn't in that house anymore. Her stuff was there but she was being well cared for in a place where she feels no pain. She is free from all her earthly limitations. She is surrounded by family and friends that have gone before her and they are enjoying her immensely. When it's my time I'll see her again. I came in crying and asking for help because I didn't think I could make it and left feeling encouraged and peaceful about it all. I do not know how people survive the loss of a child without a faith to sustain them. It's got to be horrible.
So, we packed everything up that was left to pack and we started our move. Moves are insanity anyway but this one was beyond that. We have way too much stuff. The move was hard but went well I think. I cried a few times when I found something of Hannah's hidden in and under things. When everything was gone I did a final walk through and I was surprised at what I felt. I had prepared myself for feeling another great loss. I didn't feel that at all. I hated the house we were in. I was thankful for it but didn't like it. I thought I'd feel like I was abandoning Hannah. Nope, didn't feel that. I realized once again that she isn't here. What I moved was her things and things that I will cherish but they aren't her. What I did was do something for me, for our family, in making this move. We were all affected by the constant reminding of our great loss. Hannah was known and loved deeply by everyone that knew her. That was most of Hillsboro. Everyday in that house day in and day out without her was a constant reminder of the fact that I had lost her. I couldn't cook, do dishes, go shopping, go to church, or anything without feeling my loss. That loss is so painful that I can't feel it constantly. I won't survive it if I do. I will never forget my girl and I will never stop missing her, but we needed this change to learn to live life without her. It's the hardest part of losing something as precious as your child. Learning how to Continue living life without them.
Hannah loved living. I don't know how she did it. She'd be in the hospital and they'd be doing things that I know were painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes she'd cry a little and sometimes she wouldn't cry at all. She always smiled though. Even when she was ticked and aggrevated, she smiled. She was just incredible that way. She loved life. It's the one constant comfort I have. My Hannah was a happy girl.
So far moving has been a good thing. I have had back and neck pain for years, and severe headaches constantly. It was all tension related. I felt like I had to be on alert all the time. That Hannah's life depended on me being available to her should she need me. Even since Hannah's passing that "alertness" has not left me. I still walk around ready for a seizure to strike. I really didn't know that changing houses would help that but it has. I have felt some tension release and it feels pretty good. Not blaming Hannah for my tension. Like I said, I'd gladly do it all again if given the chance. I won't be given that chance though so I'm happy that my body can get some relief.
We're going to miss our Hillsboro friends so much. Wish we could have moved them all with us. Other than that though we are LOVING being here so far. This house was an answer to a long time prayer and we are so thankful for it!
Please keep us in your prayers. We thank you!
Hannah lived in three homes with us in Hillsboro. The last one was the longest. 5 years. The night before we started moving I cried and decided we weren't going to move. I was serious too. It was late at night, everyone was in bed, and I was going to announce to David that next morning I had changed my mind. Regardless of being out lots of money, etc. I wasn't leaving my girl. I then went and sat in the floor of Hannah's room with all it's boxes and empty shelves and prayed and cried. It's sad to say but I pray more now than I ever did before. Don't get me wrong, I prayed regularly before, however my prayers have changed and I honestly feel like I have a friend I can go to when no one else can help me or hear me. It's an amazing feeling. As I sat there talking to my friend I felt a peace and calm descend on me. I've felt that so many times in the past nearly 5 months. God spoke quietness to my anxious heart. He reminded me that Hannah wasn't in that house anymore. Her stuff was there but she was being well cared for in a place where she feels no pain. She is free from all her earthly limitations. She is surrounded by family and friends that have gone before her and they are enjoying her immensely. When it's my time I'll see her again. I came in crying and asking for help because I didn't think I could make it and left feeling encouraged and peaceful about it all. I do not know how people survive the loss of a child without a faith to sustain them. It's got to be horrible.
So, we packed everything up that was left to pack and we started our move. Moves are insanity anyway but this one was beyond that. We have way too much stuff. The move was hard but went well I think. I cried a few times when I found something of Hannah's hidden in and under things. When everything was gone I did a final walk through and I was surprised at what I felt. I had prepared myself for feeling another great loss. I didn't feel that at all. I hated the house we were in. I was thankful for it but didn't like it. I thought I'd feel like I was abandoning Hannah. Nope, didn't feel that. I realized once again that she isn't here. What I moved was her things and things that I will cherish but they aren't her. What I did was do something for me, for our family, in making this move. We were all affected by the constant reminding of our great loss. Hannah was known and loved deeply by everyone that knew her. That was most of Hillsboro. Everyday in that house day in and day out without her was a constant reminder of the fact that I had lost her. I couldn't cook, do dishes, go shopping, go to church, or anything without feeling my loss. That loss is so painful that I can't feel it constantly. I won't survive it if I do. I will never forget my girl and I will never stop missing her, but we needed this change to learn to live life without her. It's the hardest part of losing something as precious as your child. Learning how to Continue living life without them.
Hannah loved living. I don't know how she did it. She'd be in the hospital and they'd be doing things that I know were painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes she'd cry a little and sometimes she wouldn't cry at all. She always smiled though. Even when she was ticked and aggrevated, she smiled. She was just incredible that way. She loved life. It's the one constant comfort I have. My Hannah was a happy girl.
So far moving has been a good thing. I have had back and neck pain for years, and severe headaches constantly. It was all tension related. I felt like I had to be on alert all the time. That Hannah's life depended on me being available to her should she need me. Even since Hannah's passing that "alertness" has not left me. I still walk around ready for a seizure to strike. I really didn't know that changing houses would help that but it has. I have felt some tension release and it feels pretty good. Not blaming Hannah for my tension. Like I said, I'd gladly do it all again if given the chance. I won't be given that chance though so I'm happy that my body can get some relief.
We're going to miss our Hillsboro friends so much. Wish we could have moved them all with us. Other than that though we are LOVING being here so far. This house was an answer to a long time prayer and we are so thankful for it!
Please keep us in your prayers. We thank you!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Happy Birthday Hannah
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday DEAR Hannah, Happy Birthday to you!
I love my Hannah, She loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do! (((Big hugs and lots of kisses)))
I thought I knew heartache but no heartache compares to the one I feel not having you with me today. You would have been 9. We would have had so much fun and you would of had us laughing because you'd be singing happy birthday to Zachary even though it was your birthday. I'd try fruitlessly to get you to sing Happy birthday Hannah and we'd all finally just let you sing what you wanted and enjoy our quirky corny girl.
None of that was to be this year. I tried to celebrate. Thought it would be the "right" thing to do. I'm glad we did what we did but to say it helped would be dishonest. As I stood there looking at your grave all decked out in spongebob nothing made sense and it all seemed so unfair. You were so good and brave. You fought hard and I fought right with you. It's so hard for me not to feel like I let you down. Like I didn't research enough, or get you to the right doctors quick enough, or did I miss something the night you had the seizure and could I have intervened more quickly. I just feel so defeated sometimes. I miss you so much. I struggle to find meaning in life anymore. I find it but it's a struggle.
I was excited for you. You came alive this year and you were doing so well. You had friends, you were learning, you were interacting and communicating. I had so much fun with you. Things were turning around for us after a rough couple years it seemed, and in the midst of all the celebration and renewed hope we were feeling, you left us. I didn't see that coming. None of us did. Our lives were altered forever.
One thing I do know without a doubt...you were loved deeply. You were loved by people I did not even know. When I think about how much you were loved, I do feel there is one thing I did right, and that was to share you. I'm so glad I let the world know you. You did more for people than your mom ever shall Hannah. You fought with a dignity and strength beyond your years. I'm so very proud to have been your mommy. You were the best little girl a mom could have ever wanted. I hope you knew how much I loved and admired you.
I hope your birthday is celebrated in heaven. I hope they have spongebob there and that all the friends you've made were able to come celebrate with you. I know y'all probably celebrate often. I imagine heaven is one grand celebration. Still I hope this day was extra special and that you got to see the balloons we sent your way. Happy Birthday sweetheart. You are missed beyond words. All my love, Mommy
Pictures from the day in no particular order.
I love my Hannah, She loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do! (((Big hugs and lots of kisses)))
I thought I knew heartache but no heartache compares to the one I feel not having you with me today. You would have been 9. We would have had so much fun and you would of had us laughing because you'd be singing happy birthday to Zachary even though it was your birthday. I'd try fruitlessly to get you to sing Happy birthday Hannah and we'd all finally just let you sing what you wanted and enjoy our quirky corny girl.
None of that was to be this year. I tried to celebrate. Thought it would be the "right" thing to do. I'm glad we did what we did but to say it helped would be dishonest. As I stood there looking at your grave all decked out in spongebob nothing made sense and it all seemed so unfair. You were so good and brave. You fought hard and I fought right with you. It's so hard for me not to feel like I let you down. Like I didn't research enough, or get you to the right doctors quick enough, or did I miss something the night you had the seizure and could I have intervened more quickly. I just feel so defeated sometimes. I miss you so much. I struggle to find meaning in life anymore. I find it but it's a struggle.
I was excited for you. You came alive this year and you were doing so well. You had friends, you were learning, you were interacting and communicating. I had so much fun with you. Things were turning around for us after a rough couple years it seemed, and in the midst of all the celebration and renewed hope we were feeling, you left us. I didn't see that coming. None of us did. Our lives were altered forever.
One thing I do know without a doubt...you were loved deeply. You were loved by people I did not even know. When I think about how much you were loved, I do feel there is one thing I did right, and that was to share you. I'm so glad I let the world know you. You did more for people than your mom ever shall Hannah. You fought with a dignity and strength beyond your years. I'm so very proud to have been your mommy. You were the best little girl a mom could have ever wanted. I hope you knew how much I loved and admired you.
I hope your birthday is celebrated in heaven. I hope they have spongebob there and that all the friends you've made were able to come celebrate with you. I know y'all probably celebrate often. I imagine heaven is one grand celebration. Still I hope this day was extra special and that you got to see the balloons we sent your way. Happy Birthday sweetheart. You are missed beyond words. All my love, Mommy
Pictures from the day in no particular order.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hannah's Last Award
This has been a really emotional and hard week. It's the end of the school year and that means so many lasts for me. We packed Hannah's room on Saturday for the move. I've spent the week saying good bye to teachers and school faculty. Friday Kyle graduates from High School. We get the keys to our new house Saturday, and Sunday would have been Hannah's 9th Bday. If I get through this week it will only be by the grace of God.
Yesterday was the end of the year awards ceremony for Hannah's school. They asked if I could receive Hannah's award. It is something I wanted to do so I did. When they asked me I said yes, and then cried for an hour afterwards. The day got here and I was glad to have two of Hannah's classsmates to help distract me. It was our turn to recieve awards. Hannah's teacher said a few words and then began calling each of the boys to receive their rewards. When it came time for Hannah's, she was choked up. She loved my girl so much. I blew Hannah a kiss, received her medal, hugged her teacher and cried, and then stood with Hannah's classmates as the parents, teachers, and administrative staff gave her a standing ovation. I did good. I cried some but not too much. Then we went out for photos and I held it together pretty durn good I think. When I drove into my driveway and parked my van however I bawled. That was the last award my girl would ever receive. This was the last school year I'd ever prepare her for starting a new year. No more summers of she and I having school together. So many final moments and it was tough.
Last night Rachael and her girls dropped by with a framed picture of the Central Baptist GA's(helped Hannah get Koolio), Hannah, and Koolio. It has paw prints on it and signatures of the girls. It is a precious gift that I will cherish always.
I'm thanking God in the midst of all my heartache for so many things. I'm thanking him for strength and courage. I'm thanking him for the quickenings he gave me and pushes to require a little extra out of myself. I'm so very thankful for all the time I invested in Hannah's life. It was not an easy life, but it was a blessed one. I'd gladly do it all over again. I learned so much from Hannah. I will never take another day, another hour, or moment for granted. Life is too precious.
Here are a couple photos of the day. I look awful but I don't care. It was an incredible day for me. Hannah was remembered and those days are very special in my eyes.
Yesterday was the end of the year awards ceremony for Hannah's school. They asked if I could receive Hannah's award. It is something I wanted to do so I did. When they asked me I said yes, and then cried for an hour afterwards. The day got here and I was glad to have two of Hannah's classsmates to help distract me. It was our turn to recieve awards. Hannah's teacher said a few words and then began calling each of the boys to receive their rewards. When it came time for Hannah's, she was choked up. She loved my girl so much. I blew Hannah a kiss, received her medal, hugged her teacher and cried, and then stood with Hannah's classmates as the parents, teachers, and administrative staff gave her a standing ovation. I did good. I cried some but not too much. Then we went out for photos and I held it together pretty durn good I think. When I drove into my driveway and parked my van however I bawled. That was the last award my girl would ever receive. This was the last school year I'd ever prepare her for starting a new year. No more summers of she and I having school together. So many final moments and it was tough.
Last night Rachael and her girls dropped by with a framed picture of the Central Baptist GA's(helped Hannah get Koolio), Hannah, and Koolio. It has paw prints on it and signatures of the girls. It is a precious gift that I will cherish always.
I'm thanking God in the midst of all my heartache for so many things. I'm thanking him for strength and courage. I'm thanking him for the quickenings he gave me and pushes to require a little extra out of myself. I'm so very thankful for all the time I invested in Hannah's life. It was not an easy life, but it was a blessed one. I'd gladly do it all over again. I learned so much from Hannah. I will never take another day, another hour, or moment for granted. Life is too precious.
Here are a couple photos of the day. I look awful but I don't care. It was an incredible day for me. Hannah was remembered and those days are very special in my eyes.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Packing Hannah
This has been a very emotional week for me. On Wednesday I had dinner with Hannah's teachers. On Thursday I visited Hannah's school. I did really well until I left. As I walked down the ramp, along the sidewalk, through the building, to the office, out the office, and into my van, my heart broke. Hannah loved that place. I got to see her guy pals, Alexis, Israel, and Charley Boy(as Hannah called him). When Koolio and I walked in the room Charley and Israel ran to Koolio. They were excited. Alexis ran and was messing with paper. I was a little surprised by that because Alexis always enjoyed Koolio so much. Later however he came to pet Koolio and we noticed that he had made a puppet of Koolio. It had floppy ears and everything. I just love that boy. I had a pin with Hannah's picture on my jacket and Israel made me cry when he rubbed it with his hand and wanted it. It was really tough to do but I'm glad I went. Hannah's teachers are the most awesome humans on this planet and she was very fortunate to have them. I will forever be grateful for the love and care they gave my Hannah.
Yesterday my friend Mary came to be with me as I packed Hannah's things. That was a hard thing to do. After we finished I just climbed in her bed and cried. I decided that if I even thought it might have some significance I was keeping it. I'll go through it more later when I can. We also created a box of things I wanted to keep close and easily accessible. The last blanket she lay on, her favorite books, pillow, etc. So, it's done and I'm glad it's done but it was oh so sad. I was completely and totally mentally exhausted and a numbness set in similar to what I felt right after her funeral. Still I felt the prayers of my friends and had a friend with me that helped me keep it all in perspective. I'm thankful.
All these good byes are really tough. I pray none of you ever have to experience the loss of your child. There is no worse heartache. The only thing that gets us through it is the prayer and support of friends. Thank you!
Yesterday my friend Mary came to be with me as I packed Hannah's things. That was a hard thing to do. After we finished I just climbed in her bed and cried. I decided that if I even thought it might have some significance I was keeping it. I'll go through it more later when I can. We also created a box of things I wanted to keep close and easily accessible. The last blanket she lay on, her favorite books, pillow, etc. So, it's done and I'm glad it's done but it was oh so sad. I was completely and totally mentally exhausted and a numbness set in similar to what I felt right after her funeral. Still I felt the prayers of my friends and had a friend with me that helped me keep it all in perspective. I'm thankful.
All these good byes are really tough. I pray none of you ever have to experience the loss of your child. There is no worse heartache. The only thing that gets us through it is the prayer and support of friends. Thank you!
Monday, May 17, 2010
4 mths
Today marks four months since Hannah passed away. I started feeling a cloud around me yeserday and it is continuing today. There is no way to get around this loss. Sometimes I think you just have to allow yourself a meltdown. Your mind won't let you do anything else anyway. Then after the meltdown you start putting one foot in front of the other again until the next one. So between meltdowns you make some progress down the road however it is slow, excruciating, and takes a tremendous will to go on.
I don't like life without Hannah. I'm trying to because she loved life, and I know that if I can love it, I'd be honoring hers. Still it is very difficult. Something happened to us that is irreplacable when she left this world. We fed off her love for everything around her. She inspired us, entertained us, and just plain gave life meaning. We're all kind of floundering around trying to find it on our own and being very unsuccessful.
The next few weeks will be an emotional rollercoaster. Kyle will graduate from high school on the 28th of this month. I'm so proud of him. He's done well to have dealt with all the obstacles the last few years have held. He's wanting to go to college and he's doing all he can to get there. He's an impressive young man and I think he'll make an impact in this world in ways that are much needed. So, I'll be saying goodbye to his childhood and watch as he embraces adulthood. It's both a sad and exciting time.
On the 29th we will get the keys to our new house and can begin the process of relocating. I'm excited about the house.(VERY excited) I'm excited about having David work closer to home. I'm excited about living in the big city.(a little nervous too) I'm excited about the opportunites we'll have. However, I'm sad to leave the only home Hannah ever knew, the community and friends that we love so much, and teachers and school staff that loved my girl almost as much as I did. It breaks my heart when I think about leaving but I also know that I have to do it. I cannot tell you how hard it is to walk by Hannah's room everyday. Not only does it hold the memory of Hannah but also Billie. Our home feels like a shrine. Everything is just as she left it. I thought that was going to be good but I'm finding it's not. I need to get out of this house where every single thing I do reminds me of my loss. I don't want to ever forget but I do need to be able to live outside of it. If it's at all possible to do that. I know a lot of people do not understand and I wish I was able to explain in a way that they could. I just can't. We love this place but we need change. So, we'll sadly say goodbye and hold God's hand in the next phase of our life. If you're upset with our decision then I pray you see it for what it is. We weren't out to hurt anyone with it. We are just doing what we have to do to keep going.
The 30th would have been Hannah's 9th birthday. Guess it explains a little why I'm having such a hard time lately. Her 8th birthday was wonderful. We were so excited she was well enough for the party. The tears are flowing right now as I think about not having her here this year. We're going to plan a picnic at her grave site and have chicken nuggets, fries, shakes, and cupcakes. All her favorites. Last year I was buying stuff to decorate her room like a classroom for her birthday. She LOVED it. This year all I can do is buy flowers to put in the ground. I can't buy her any pretty clothes or shoes. It's incredibly painful. People just have no idea.
I guess this turned into a pity party posting. I don't want it to be but it is what it is. I'm just sad. I'm not hopeless. I'm broken. I'm not forsaken. God is my refuge and strength! In HIM I have placed my trust. I'm thankful above all because I am not alone in my grief. Never alone....
I don't like life without Hannah. I'm trying to because she loved life, and I know that if I can love it, I'd be honoring hers. Still it is very difficult. Something happened to us that is irreplacable when she left this world. We fed off her love for everything around her. She inspired us, entertained us, and just plain gave life meaning. We're all kind of floundering around trying to find it on our own and being very unsuccessful.
The next few weeks will be an emotional rollercoaster. Kyle will graduate from high school on the 28th of this month. I'm so proud of him. He's done well to have dealt with all the obstacles the last few years have held. He's wanting to go to college and he's doing all he can to get there. He's an impressive young man and I think he'll make an impact in this world in ways that are much needed. So, I'll be saying goodbye to his childhood and watch as he embraces adulthood. It's both a sad and exciting time.
On the 29th we will get the keys to our new house and can begin the process of relocating. I'm excited about the house.(VERY excited) I'm excited about having David work closer to home. I'm excited about living in the big city.(a little nervous too) I'm excited about the opportunites we'll have. However, I'm sad to leave the only home Hannah ever knew, the community and friends that we love so much, and teachers and school staff that loved my girl almost as much as I did. It breaks my heart when I think about leaving but I also know that I have to do it. I cannot tell you how hard it is to walk by Hannah's room everyday. Not only does it hold the memory of Hannah but also Billie. Our home feels like a shrine. Everything is just as she left it. I thought that was going to be good but I'm finding it's not. I need to get out of this house where every single thing I do reminds me of my loss. I don't want to ever forget but I do need to be able to live outside of it. If it's at all possible to do that. I know a lot of people do not understand and I wish I was able to explain in a way that they could. I just can't. We love this place but we need change. So, we'll sadly say goodbye and hold God's hand in the next phase of our life. If you're upset with our decision then I pray you see it for what it is. We weren't out to hurt anyone with it. We are just doing what we have to do to keep going.
The 30th would have been Hannah's 9th birthday. Guess it explains a little why I'm having such a hard time lately. Her 8th birthday was wonderful. We were so excited she was well enough for the party. The tears are flowing right now as I think about not having her here this year. We're going to plan a picnic at her grave site and have chicken nuggets, fries, shakes, and cupcakes. All her favorites. Last year I was buying stuff to decorate her room like a classroom for her birthday. She LOVED it. This year all I can do is buy flowers to put in the ground. I can't buy her any pretty clothes or shoes. It's incredibly painful. People just have no idea.
I guess this turned into a pity party posting. I don't want it to be but it is what it is. I'm just sad. I'm not hopeless. I'm broken. I'm not forsaken. God is my refuge and strength! In HIM I have placed my trust. I'm thankful above all because I am not alone in my grief. Never alone....
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day
Yes, it was a tough one but I made it. I woke up to cards from the men in my life and the tears started. I miss my girl. I've always known she'd never be back but there comes a time in the grief process where it sets in and it's really hard. I have felt heartache like I can not even describe. Life has been forever altered for me and I have to find my way in this new world. It's really tough stuff. I said that already didn't I? Every step I take to move on, my heart wants to pull me back. But it wants something that is no longer there. Somehow Hannah has to remain part of my life but in my new world. It's a journey that keeps me on my knees and in God's word for sure. So, yeah Mother's Day was terribly difficult, but still good. I had breakfast with my men and hung out with them all day. They don't mind my tears. They just hug me and let me know they miss Hannah too. I'm blessed to have two wonderful boys, a fabulous husband, and my Koolio.
Last week was a busy one. We've been needing to move for some time. We could not make up our minds about whether to move closer to David's job or not. I've been looking everywhere and praying hard. Everything I looked at was either way over our budget or the neighborhood was less than desirable. On Sunday I saw a house online in Arlington. I loved it from the pictures but you never know if the pictures will do it justice. I made arrangements to look at it Tuesday, fell in love with it the minute I saw it, filled out an ap, and met the owner on Saturday to discuss terms and show the house to David. So, we will be relocating in a few weeks to Arlington. The house and neighborhood are for us. David and I are in awe of how it is everything we've ever wanted. We are excited and ready for the next chapter of our lives in this home we already love.
That all being said leaving Hillsboro will be very hard. It's the only home Hannah ever knew. It's been a place that has supported our family through very difficult times and has rallied behind us in everything we've endeavored to do. We have friends here. Very dear friends who mean the world to us. The teachers and support staff that loved my girl almost as much as I do are here. Leaving will not be easy and the decision was one we agonized over. It's just time.
David's job is more demanding and time consuming, gasoline is nearing $3 a gallon, Kyle will be at Huntsville in college, our current home is in need of a lot of work, Zach wants to get into radio stuff, and I will go back to school eventually. We all feel like we need change. Everywhere we go and everywhere we look someone or something reminds us of our loss. Not that we'll ever forget it but we just can't live in it all the time. I'm hoping people will understand.
Here are pictures of the house...
Last week was a busy one. We've been needing to move for some time. We could not make up our minds about whether to move closer to David's job or not. I've been looking everywhere and praying hard. Everything I looked at was either way over our budget or the neighborhood was less than desirable. On Sunday I saw a house online in Arlington. I loved it from the pictures but you never know if the pictures will do it justice. I made arrangements to look at it Tuesday, fell in love with it the minute I saw it, filled out an ap, and met the owner on Saturday to discuss terms and show the house to David. So, we will be relocating in a few weeks to Arlington. The house and neighborhood are for us. David and I are in awe of how it is everything we've ever wanted. We are excited and ready for the next chapter of our lives in this home we already love.
That all being said leaving Hillsboro will be very hard. It's the only home Hannah ever knew. It's been a place that has supported our family through very difficult times and has rallied behind us in everything we've endeavored to do. We have friends here. Very dear friends who mean the world to us. The teachers and support staff that loved my girl almost as much as I do are here. Leaving will not be easy and the decision was one we agonized over. It's just time.
David's job is more demanding and time consuming, gasoline is nearing $3 a gallon, Kyle will be at Huntsville in college, our current home is in need of a lot of work, Zach wants to get into radio stuff, and I will go back to school eventually. We all feel like we need change. Everywhere we go and everywhere we look someone or something reminds us of our loss. Not that we'll ever forget it but we just can't live in it all the time. I'm hoping people will understand.
Here are pictures of the house...
Friday, May 7, 2010
My Ideal Day
I've been meeting weekly with a wonderful group of women who are truly inspirational. The group will end in three short weeks and I'm sad to see it be over. I do feel tremendously blessed to have had this opportunity at a time when life made very little sense to me. It still doesn't make a lot of sense but I have a heightened awareness of exactly where my hope lies. It's ALL in God's hands and He has promised that EVERYTHING will work for my good if I love him. That is what I told Him in that little shower stall at Cook Children's hospital in Fort Worth the night before Hannah died. I told Him that I wanted her with me but that if he needed her I would let her go and I would still love Him. I still love my Hannah, I still love my God, and because I do there is hope.
One of our tasks this week for the group was to imagine an ideal day and to write it. I thought it would be difficult to do but I did it in just a few minutes. I'm sharing it here only because I think it would be a great exercise for anyone to do and would encourage you all to give it a try. Just let it flow and see what happens. Also, because so much of my "ideal day" was about Hannah's life I thought it would be appropriate to share. Remember we were allowed to imagine the day and there were no limits. I have a very active imagination. :)
Marcey’s Ideal Day
Koolio is at my feet as I awaken to this glorious day. I have a few minutes before my alarm goes off so I snuggle in close to my honey and enjoy the protected feel of being in his arms. My alarm rings letting me know it’s time to get up and going. I grab a cup of coffee, my journal, and Koolio and we head out to the deck. As I am entertained by Koolio’s antics with our backyard wildlife, I journal about life and memories of my Hannah. I pull myself from my writings to get busy with the day at hand. Today I have a board meeting and we’ll award grants to families of children with epilepsy and autism as well as special needs teachers for much needed aids. Among those aids will be cooling vests, seizure sleep monitors, wireless video baby monitors, service dog supplies, adaptive equipment, and other misc. needs. Before that meeting I have a session with the neurological staff at a Children’s hospital to train them how to communicate best with the families of their patients. Besides the training I will ask for input on what parents can do to help their child’s neurological team treat them successfully. Eating lunch alone is not happening today. I get to meet a dear friend who inspires me every time we meet. Our lunch is no disappointment and I’m ready for my afternoon. I’m meeting with a new family. I always enjoy those first meetings and the relief I see on the faces of mothers when they realize I can offer them resources and direction. The best part of my day is getting to meet their fabulous kiddos and spending some time with them. After a full day I return home to spend the evening with my family. When everyone is winding down I go to my home office, climb on the window seat with my laptop and do some researching or writing while peeking at the star filled sky. As I retire for the night I think about how fortunate I am to be living this life. Hannah’s life continues to inspire people; I get to use my love for learning, teaching, and my first hand experience with special needs. I’m in awe of how God orchestrated it all and remember, Romans 8:28 and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose.
One of our tasks this week for the group was to imagine an ideal day and to write it. I thought it would be difficult to do but I did it in just a few minutes. I'm sharing it here only because I think it would be a great exercise for anyone to do and would encourage you all to give it a try. Just let it flow and see what happens. Also, because so much of my "ideal day" was about Hannah's life I thought it would be appropriate to share. Remember we were allowed to imagine the day and there were no limits. I have a very active imagination. :)
Marcey’s Ideal Day
Koolio is at my feet as I awaken to this glorious day. I have a few minutes before my alarm goes off so I snuggle in close to my honey and enjoy the protected feel of being in his arms. My alarm rings letting me know it’s time to get up and going. I grab a cup of coffee, my journal, and Koolio and we head out to the deck. As I am entertained by Koolio’s antics with our backyard wildlife, I journal about life and memories of my Hannah. I pull myself from my writings to get busy with the day at hand. Today I have a board meeting and we’ll award grants to families of children with epilepsy and autism as well as special needs teachers for much needed aids. Among those aids will be cooling vests, seizure sleep monitors, wireless video baby monitors, service dog supplies, adaptive equipment, and other misc. needs. Before that meeting I have a session with the neurological staff at a Children’s hospital to train them how to communicate best with the families of their patients. Besides the training I will ask for input on what parents can do to help their child’s neurological team treat them successfully. Eating lunch alone is not happening today. I get to meet a dear friend who inspires me every time we meet. Our lunch is no disappointment and I’m ready for my afternoon. I’m meeting with a new family. I always enjoy those first meetings and the relief I see on the faces of mothers when they realize I can offer them resources and direction. The best part of my day is getting to meet their fabulous kiddos and spending some time with them. After a full day I return home to spend the evening with my family. When everyone is winding down I go to my home office, climb on the window seat with my laptop and do some researching or writing while peeking at the star filled sky. As I retire for the night I think about how fortunate I am to be living this life. Hannah’s life continues to inspire people; I get to use my love for learning, teaching, and my first hand experience with special needs. I’m in awe of how God orchestrated it all and remember, Romans 8:28 and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
In Memory
I joined the Idea-League when we learned about Dravet syndrome and began the journey to see if Hannah had it. She did. The Idea-Leauge puts out a newsletter and in the April issue they do a "In memory" feature on Hannah. Please read the newsletter and get involved in helping these families. It's an incredible organization and they are working on hard to help kids like our Hannah. Enjoy!
Cut and Paste this link in your browser to see the newsletter
www.idea-league.org/userfiles/files/Channeling_In_5_2.pdf
Cut and Paste this link in your browser to see the newsletter
www.idea-league.org/userfiles/files/Channeling_In_5_2.pdf
Thursday, April 29, 2010
We Remember
On Sunday our family went to a ceremony held at Cook Children's honoring children who had died the past year. I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever walk the halls of that hospital again but we did and it was o.k. Uncle Joe, Aunt Shirley, Tricia(Hannah's teacher), and two wonderful friends; Charlotte and Lea came to be with us. I am so glad we went. It feels so good when someone remembers our girl. The ceremony was beautiful and I was so amazed at how much this meant to the hospital staff. There was a responsive reading that gave me chills. It was a Jewish one. After each sentence we were to respond "we remember". However the PICU staff was scattered throughout the building and they would stand and say loudly "we remember". There were songs, poems, and the chaplain talked about remembering. Toward the end there was a candle lighting where they read the child's name and lit a candle. Before the candle lighting there was a slide show. It had pictures of the children lost, poems, quotes, etc. When Hannah's came up we all cried but oh how thankful I felt. Over half the pictures on the slideshow were babies. Thank you God for letting me have my girl nearly 9 whole years! The ceremony concluded with everyone in the prayer garden and butterflies being released. It really was an incredible day. Hard but oh so incredible!
Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and I found an old hair tie that had a significant amount of Hannah's hair in it. There was a time while she was on keppra that she lost quite a bit of hair. I felt the hair and was overcome with grief. I loved that beautiful hair. It was a pain to comb through some days but it was gorgeous. As I put it to my face I could smell her. That's what was so painful. Her clothes have long lost the scent of her but that hair hadn't. I shared the hair tie with David last night and he enjoyed the scent of her too. We both thank God for anything that lets us feel her.
People remind me often that Hannah is now healed and whole. There are no seizures in heaven. There is no autism in heaven. Thre is comfort in knowing we will see her again someday. However when I imagine Hannah she is seizureless but still that quirky beautiful girl with autism. I think I just have a different perspective on it now that she is gone. Don't throw stones yet. LOL! I still believe we need to find out what is causing autism and do anything we can to stop it from happening to our kids. I'm just a mom who lost a little girl who had autism and is thanking her lucky stars for all that having her taught me. Before having Hannah my world was so small and self centered. I always looked at big things and ignored the small. My life is richer, fuller, larger, and certainly others centered. I also celebrate everything. No longer is something seeemingly small insignificant. I feel blessed even in great loss.
We still miss our girl and always will! We'll never forget. Thanks for all the love and support!
Program from We Remember Ceremony
Candle Lighting
Name tags
Releasing butterflies
All those in attendance to remember Hannah.
Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and I found an old hair tie that had a significant amount of Hannah's hair in it. There was a time while she was on keppra that she lost quite a bit of hair. I felt the hair and was overcome with grief. I loved that beautiful hair. It was a pain to comb through some days but it was gorgeous. As I put it to my face I could smell her. That's what was so painful. Her clothes have long lost the scent of her but that hair hadn't. I shared the hair tie with David last night and he enjoyed the scent of her too. We both thank God for anything that lets us feel her.
People remind me often that Hannah is now healed and whole. There are no seizures in heaven. There is no autism in heaven. Thre is comfort in knowing we will see her again someday. However when I imagine Hannah she is seizureless but still that quirky beautiful girl with autism. I think I just have a different perspective on it now that she is gone. Don't throw stones yet. LOL! I still believe we need to find out what is causing autism and do anything we can to stop it from happening to our kids. I'm just a mom who lost a little girl who had autism and is thanking her lucky stars for all that having her taught me. Before having Hannah my world was so small and self centered. I always looked at big things and ignored the small. My life is richer, fuller, larger, and certainly others centered. I also celebrate everything. No longer is something seeemingly small insignificant. I feel blessed even in great loss.
We still miss our girl and always will! We'll never forget. Thanks for all the love and support!
Program from We Remember Ceremony
Candle Lighting
Name tags
Releasing butterflies
All those in attendance to remember Hannah.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Dear Hannah
Morning Hannah! It's mommy. Oh sweetie, mommy misses you so much. There's not a moment that goes by that I do not wish I could see your beautiful face and hear your amazingly sweet voice. I know heaven's really enjoying having you around. Do you wake everyone up singing, "wake up little blue bird!" Man, do I miss my mornings with you. I miss you saying, "holdy me" and the warmth and love of that hold. I miss you saying, "thank you Lord for another safe night" as we'd start getting ready for school. I miss our night time routine too. Oh God how I miss those kisses and night time prayers! I just miss you. I miss every little detail of your amazing being.
Your crazy daddy and I are going to try to celebrate being married 20 years this weekend. I know he misses you too. It's a bittersweet occassion for us. Just being able to go makes it more evident you're gone. We'd both gladly trade our weekend if it meant we could have you with us. I'm so glad you had a daddy who loved you so much. The weekend will be fun of course. How can it not be with your daddy making me laugh the entire time, I'm sure. He's still crazy Hannah. You loved him that way and so do I! Oh, Did you know that Koolio does us just like you used to. If daddy hugs me or gets to close he wedges himself between us. It's so cute. We think of you every time he does it and talk about how he must have learned that from you.
Speaking of Koolio, he's lost weight since you've been gone! You fed him way too good girl. He needed to lose a few pounds. He misses you. Sometimes he lays in your room on the floor or in the hallway outside of your room and just looks in. Mommy is trying to keep him busy but no one can keep him as busy as you did! Precious has taken up to sleeping in your bed. I think she misses your shuffling feet behind her all through the house. We didn't realize how attached she was to you. Even the animals are having to adjust to your absense from our lives.
Kyle and Zach are doing o.k. They miss their pesty sister a lot. Kyle is going to college in Huntsville. You sure wouldn't have liked that! You loved having your bubbas close. We're proud of him though and pray like crazy for it all to work out.
Mommy has been so lost without you. I'm trusting in God's plan and knowing that evenutally it'll be o.k. I'll always miss you but my hope is that I'll be able to use what I have learned from your life to inspire hope and help. Four words seem to be the theme of all my thoughts lately. Live, Love, Laugh, and Educate. I think those words describe you. You lived life every minute of every day and you loved it. You definately loved and did it far better than most of us. You laughed. We still laugh at things you did and said. You were hilarious. You educated us all. You inspired education just with your love for it. So as always, mommy is praying for God to order her steps. I remember when you copied me and prayed that. It was so cute. Was there nothing you didn't notice or absorb!?!?
I miss you beautiful girl! More than I can ever express. I can't wait to see you again. I'm going to kiss you until your screaming for me to stop! :) What a day that will be! Until then though, mommy is going to do what she can here to help your life continue to inspire others! I love you sweet girl! ALWAYS! Love, Mommy
PS: By now I'm sure you've met your Uncle Dewayne and you're being spoiled rotten. Make him sing "I'll Fly Away" with you. You'll love his voice!
Your crazy daddy and I are going to try to celebrate being married 20 years this weekend. I know he misses you too. It's a bittersweet occassion for us. Just being able to go makes it more evident you're gone. We'd both gladly trade our weekend if it meant we could have you with us. I'm so glad you had a daddy who loved you so much. The weekend will be fun of course. How can it not be with your daddy making me laugh the entire time, I'm sure. He's still crazy Hannah. You loved him that way and so do I! Oh, Did you know that Koolio does us just like you used to. If daddy hugs me or gets to close he wedges himself between us. It's so cute. We think of you every time he does it and talk about how he must have learned that from you.
Speaking of Koolio, he's lost weight since you've been gone! You fed him way too good girl. He needed to lose a few pounds. He misses you. Sometimes he lays in your room on the floor or in the hallway outside of your room and just looks in. Mommy is trying to keep him busy but no one can keep him as busy as you did! Precious has taken up to sleeping in your bed. I think she misses your shuffling feet behind her all through the house. We didn't realize how attached she was to you. Even the animals are having to adjust to your absense from our lives.
Kyle and Zach are doing o.k. They miss their pesty sister a lot. Kyle is going to college in Huntsville. You sure wouldn't have liked that! You loved having your bubbas close. We're proud of him though and pray like crazy for it all to work out.
Mommy has been so lost without you. I'm trusting in God's plan and knowing that evenutally it'll be o.k. I'll always miss you but my hope is that I'll be able to use what I have learned from your life to inspire hope and help. Four words seem to be the theme of all my thoughts lately. Live, Love, Laugh, and Educate. I think those words describe you. You lived life every minute of every day and you loved it. You definately loved and did it far better than most of us. You laughed. We still laugh at things you did and said. You were hilarious. You educated us all. You inspired education just with your love for it. So as always, mommy is praying for God to order her steps. I remember when you copied me and prayed that. It was so cute. Was there nothing you didn't notice or absorb!?!?
I miss you beautiful girl! More than I can ever express. I can't wait to see you again. I'm going to kiss you until your screaming for me to stop! :) What a day that will be! Until then though, mommy is going to do what she can here to help your life continue to inspire others! I love you sweet girl! ALWAYS! Love, Mommy
PS: By now I'm sure you've met your Uncle Dewayne and you're being spoiled rotten. Make him sing "I'll Fly Away" with you. You'll love his voice!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
20 years
David and I are going to celebrate 20 yrs of marriage this weekend. It's bittersweet of course. Just being able to go away makes the fact that Hannah isn't with us very apparent. We will end the weekend by attending a "We Remember" ceremony at Cook Children's hospital where Hannah will be honored. I'm looking forward to spending time with my honey but I'm a little apprehensive about the emotions I'm feeling concerning Hannah not being with us. As I made my packing list this morning I wanted to scream. The hole in my heart is just so big and painful. I'm so glad that God has a plan whatever it may be and that I can trust Him it will all be o.k. He's been faithful and I'm thanking Him for all the love and life he continues to bring my way. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Here's one of my favorite photos of my girl!
Here's one of my favorite photos of my girl!
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