Saying Goodbye to Hannah's home

So, we're in our Arlington home pretty much and we're loving it. We are really enjoying the house even though it is full of boxes and nothing is in place. The move was exhausting and hard but it's done and I'm thanking God for all He has provided.

Hannah lived in three homes with us in Hillsboro. The last one was the longest. 5 years. The night before we started moving I cried and decided we weren't going to move. I was serious too. It was late at night, everyone was in bed, and I was going to announce to David that next morning I had changed my mind. Regardless of being out lots of money, etc. I wasn't leaving my girl. I then went and sat in the floor of Hannah's room with all it's boxes and empty shelves and prayed and cried. It's sad to say but I pray more now than I ever did before. Don't get me wrong, I prayed regularly before, however my prayers have changed and I honestly feel like I have a friend I can go to when no one else can help me or hear me. It's an amazing feeling. As I sat there talking to my friend I felt a peace and calm descend on me. I've felt that so many times in the past nearly 5 months. God spoke quietness to my anxious heart. He reminded me that Hannah wasn't in that house anymore. Her stuff was there but she was being well cared for in a place where she feels no pain. She is free from all her earthly limitations. She is surrounded by family and friends that have gone before her and they are enjoying her immensely. When it's my time I'll see her again. I came in crying and asking for help because I didn't think I could make it and left feeling encouraged and peaceful about it all. I do not know how people survive the loss of a child without a faith to sustain them. It's got to be horrible.

So, we packed everything up that was left to pack and we started our move. Moves are insanity anyway but this one was beyond that. We have way too much stuff. The move was hard but went well I think. I cried a few times when I found something of Hannah's hidden in and under things. When everything was gone I did a final walk through and I was surprised at what I felt. I had prepared myself for feeling another great loss. I didn't feel that at all. I hated the house we were in. I was thankful for it but didn't like it. I thought I'd feel like I was abandoning Hannah. Nope, didn't feel that. I realized once again that she isn't here. What I moved was her things and things that I will cherish but they aren't her. What I did was do something for me, for our family, in making this move. We were all affected by the constant reminding of our great loss. Hannah was known and loved deeply by everyone that knew her. That was most of Hillsboro. Everyday in that house day in and day out without her was a constant reminder of the fact that I had lost her. I couldn't cook, do dishes, go shopping, go to church, or anything without feeling my loss. That loss is so painful that I can't feel it constantly. I won't survive it if I do. I will never forget my girl and I will never stop missing her, but we needed this change to learn to live life without her. It's the hardest part of losing something as precious as your child. Learning how to Continue living life without them.

Hannah loved living. I don't know how she did it. She'd be in the hospital and they'd be doing things that I know were painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes she'd cry a little and sometimes she wouldn't cry at all. She always smiled though. Even when she was ticked and aggrevated, she smiled. She was just incredible that way. She loved life. It's the one constant comfort I have. My Hannah was a happy girl.

So far moving has been a good thing. I have had back and neck pain for years, and severe headaches constantly. It was all tension related. I felt like I had to be on alert all the time. That Hannah's life depended on me being available to her should she need me. Even since Hannah's passing that "alertness" has not left me. I still walk around ready for a seizure to strike. I really didn't know that changing houses would help that but it has. I have felt some tension release and it feels pretty good. Not blaming Hannah for my tension. Like I said, I'd gladly do it all again if given the chance. I won't be given that chance though so I'm happy that my body can get some relief.

We're going to miss our Hillsboro friends so much. Wish we could have moved them all with us. Other than that though we are LOVING being here so far. This house was an answer to a long time prayer and we are so thankful for it!

Please keep us in your prayers. We thank you!