We Remember

On Sunday our family went to a ceremony held at Cook Children's honoring children who had died the past year. I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever walk the halls of that hospital again but we did and it was o.k. Uncle Joe, Aunt Shirley, Tricia(Hannah's teacher), and two wonderful friends; Charlotte and Lea came to be with us. I am so glad we went. It feels so good when someone remembers our girl. The ceremony was beautiful and I was so amazed at how much this meant to the hospital staff. There was a responsive reading that gave me chills. It was a Jewish one. After each sentence we were to respond "we remember". However the PICU staff was scattered throughout the building and they would stand and say loudly "we remember". There were songs, poems, and the chaplain talked about remembering. Toward the end there was a candle lighting where they read the child's name and lit a candle. Before the candle lighting there was a slide show. It had pictures of the children lost, poems, quotes, etc. When Hannah's came up we all cried but oh how thankful I felt. Over half the pictures on the slideshow were babies. Thank you God for letting me have my girl nearly 9 whole years! The ceremony concluded with everyone in the prayer garden and butterflies being released. It really was an incredible day. Hard but oh so incredible!

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and I found an old hair tie that had a significant amount of Hannah's hair in it. There was a time while she was on keppra that she lost quite a bit of hair. I felt the hair and was overcome with grief. I loved that beautiful hair. It was a pain to comb through some days but it was gorgeous. As I put it to my face I could smell her. That's what was so painful. Her clothes have long lost the scent of her but that hair hadn't. I shared the hair tie with David last night and he enjoyed the scent of her too. We both thank God for anything that lets us feel her.

People remind me often that Hannah is now healed and whole. There are no seizures in heaven. There is no autism in heaven. Thre is comfort in knowing we will see her again someday. However when I imagine Hannah she is seizureless but still that quirky beautiful girl with autism. I think I just have a different perspective on it now that she is gone. Don't throw stones yet. LOL! I still believe we need to find out what is causing autism and do anything we can to stop it from happening to our kids. I'm just a mom who lost a little girl who had autism and is thanking her lucky stars for all that having her taught me. Before having Hannah my world was so small and self centered. I always looked at big things and ignored the small. My life is richer, fuller, larger, and certainly others centered. I also celebrate everything. No longer is something seeemingly small insignificant. I feel blessed even in great loss.

We still miss our girl and always will! We'll never forget. Thanks for all the love and support!

Program from We Remember Ceremony

Candle Lighting

Name tags

Releasing butterflies

All those in attendance to remember Hannah.