Merry Christmas Hannah

It's nearly unbearable without you today but I just keep reminding myself that your Christmas this year is better than any we could have ever provided for you.  I told your daddy that I'd give anything just to go back to last Christmas and stay there.  It was just so beautiful and magical.  I loved the time I had to spend with you and all the fun we had together.  You were so much like your daddy.  Kept us laughing all the time.  I'm often told you got your strength from me, but I don't know.  I think you inspired me to be strong.  You inspired me to live.  When I think I can't go on I often think about how you lived in the midst of great obstacles and it leaves me excuseless.  I miss you terribly.  Words cannot express how much I miss you and wish I could hold you in my arms.  We're o.k. though.  We're making it.  All the people that loved you continue to love us and support us.  Thank you for being the best daughter a mother could ever have!  I will love you always and will never forget baby!  Never!  Merry Christmas! 

Sponge Bob Christmas

I wanted to put something SpongeBob related on Hannah's grave.  I threw this wreath together

and was glad to have it.  I miss my girl more than I can ever express right now. 

Merry Christmas Hannah!  I love and miss you my precious girl!

You Wouldn't Cry For Me Today- Mandisa

Christmas Memorial Service

Our church's greif share department had a Christmas memorial service in the chapel Thursday night.  They said to bring an ornament that represented our loved one.  David and I went shopping and was unable to find anything.  I was pretty disappointed and bummed.  A sweet lady we went to church with in Hillsboro asked her daughter to look while she was out shopping and she found one.  It's a sponge bob ornament.  Sponge Bob is all tangled up in Christmas lights.  It was perfect.  I'm wishing I had taken a picture of it now and still may when they move the trees into the welcome center.

We really didn't know what to expect from the service but it was nice.  We cried, laughed, and then cried again.  The pastor spoke to us and talked about Jesus being the light and how death doesn't win.  Our seperation from our loved ones is not eternal.  We will see and be with them again.  All because Christ defeated death.  It was a powerful reminder that we will be with Hannah again.  I will wrap my arms around her and and kiss that beautiful forehead again.  That's comforting.

After he spoke we each went to the front and hung our ornament on one of the three trees there.  Most of the peole hung photos of their loved ones or an angel type ornament on the trees.  Ours was the only cartoon character. LOL!  So, when they move the trees to the welcome center it should be an interesting sight.  SpongeBob is in the church house y'all!  Hannah would love it!  :<)

The holiday's are terribly hard without her.  I find myself crying tears often and everywhere I look I see things that she would love.  Around the corner from us is a blow up Sleigh that has Eyore, Pooh, and Tigger on it.  I can't help but imagine I'd have to take that route home everyday had she been here.  It hurts your heart.  It's a hurt that is indescribable.  Still, we just breathe and take the next step in the day.

I think the boys are struggling hugely with this holiday thing.  It's hard enough that nanna isn't here.  Nanna loved Christmas and she lived with us the last 8 years of her life.  She'd get that fat JCPenney catalog every year and the boys would sit and look at it and tell her what they wanted.  Then this is the first year without Hannah and I think the boys had as much fun helping her enjoy Christmas as they did themselves.  It's different this year.  New for us.  We just don't know what to do with ourselves because everything we've always done is not doable. 

The one thing that doesn't change is the reason for this season.  JESUS.  It is in him we have hope and it's because of him we'll all be together again some day.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I miss my Hannah but one day I'll see her again.  All because a baby was born, grew up and died on a cross for my sin, and rose again defeating hell and the grave.  Halelujah!

Love you all!  Thanks for the continued prayer and support.  It means the world to me!
 

Klty Christmas wish

What I'm missing...

I'm finding more and more things I'm missing about Hannah as I get ready for Thanksgiving.  I'm really missing having her under my feet with all the chatter.  I miss her playing in my sink giving the dishes bubble baths,  I miss her saying over and over, "it's hot, very hot, yes, it is!"  She'd also tell me everytime I walked out of the kitchen..."it's time to cook dinner!" and would say it until I went back into the kitchen.  I so miss having to stop between tasks or in the middle of tasks and having to do the dino dance or have a time of worship singing, "I'll Fly Away or You Deserve the Glory".  I just miss this girl so very much and wish she were with us.  As I let Kyle out at work A woman was walking out with her little girl and she had on those little play shoes.  It stabbed me right in the heart.  Hannah loved those shoes.  Clomp, clomp, clomp all over the house.  I miss my baby.  Love you Hannah!  Always!

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful.  What I'm thankful for has changed somewhat, in a way, well, not really. 

Last year I was thankful for seizure free days and the way Hannah's world had been opening up.  She was having an incredible year developmentally.  I thanked God every morning when I woke her up for one more day with my girl.  I remember that I must have said it so much that she started saying it for me..."Thank you Lord for another day with my Hannah!"  It was so adorable and the fact that she spoke in third person made it just precious.

This year as I reflect on the year I find myself still thankful that my girl is seizure free, free from sickness, free from the pain of needles, free of the limitations of autism.  Everything I wanted for her here she is experiencing in heaven.  I'm so very thankful for the nearly 9 years I had her in my life and for everything that her life meant to me.  I will never be the same person I was before Hannah.  She taught me some powerful lessons that changed my life forever.  I just feel so incredibly grateful that I had the privilege of being this amazing girl's mom.

Thank you God for allowing me the time you did with our precious Hannah..  Thank you for holding us up and sending people into our lives to help us keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are eternally grateful for your love and care.  Take good care of our girl.  Give her a hug and kiss from me and could you sing our Turkey song with her, (sang to the tune of Frere Jacques) "Mr. Turkey...Mr. Turkey...Big and Fat...Big and Fat...I am going to eat you...I am going to eat you...just like that...just like that. (then make smacking gulping sounds).  Tell her Happy Thanksgiving and we miss her! 

Thanks to all my friends and family for continuing to love us even in the middle of great change in our lives.  Your love and support mean the world to us. All my love, Marcey   

Sunshine

You are my sunshine...my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray...you never know dear how much I love you...so please don't take my sunshine away...

Hannah and I would sing this song daily.  I loved the sweet way she said the words.  Precious moments I'll never forget.  Never.  I can't tell you the number of times I'd sing the last phrase of that song with tears in my eyes.  Something in me, although I wouldn't admit it, knew I'd not always have my girl with me.  I'm thankful for all the time I spent with my girl and all the fun we had.  I do however wish I had spent more time and we'd have had more fun.  I keep replaying the last couple months with Hannah in my mind and I can tell you that I'm extremely thankful for the prompting that I believe God gave me to put down what I was doing and spend time with Hannah.  So many times she'd come in the middle of me doing something and I'd want to put her off only to feel a quickening that I do not know if I'll have tomorrow.  I'd put everything down and spend some precious moments with my girl.  Moments I'll forever cherish.  I know it probably sounds strange to some, but it is what happened to me and I believe God gave me a gift in the quickenings.  Time is truly a gift.  I'm grateful.

Hannah's bench is done and dedicated.  It is beautiful and it's perfect.  It is a project that I'm so glad we did and I'm so incredibly thankful for the artist; Linda Solby, Harwood, and HISD for making it a possibility.  I started putting the bench project together in March of this year only months after Hannah's passing.  It was fun and fulfilling to see it through.  Hannah's teacher put together the unveiling and she did an incredible job.  It was all just perfect.  The day after the unveiling I did not get out of bed or my PJ's until after 2 p.m.  I found myself grieving and feeling like I had done the last tangible thing I could do for Hannah on this earth.  It was a tough day.  Those come and go and I'm learning to go with the eb and flow of things.  Not easy but it's my reality and I am learning.

The holiday season is upon us and I have found myself wanting to throw a hissy fit and ban it this year.  I don't want to do Christmas without my girl.  Another part of me can't help but remember the beautiful and wonderful last Christmas we had with Hannah.  I am trusting God to get me through in whatever manner he sees fit because I sure don't have a clue how to do it.  I'm thanking God that He has a plan and works things in such a way that only He can do.  I"m confident we'll get through the next couple of months(Thanksgiving  through the one year anniversary of Hannah's death) with the same grace and mercy that has lead us through the past 10 months.  He's faithful.

We're all doing o.k. and I know that's in huge part to all the prayers and support from our friends and family.  Thank you!   

Bench Unveiling

Yesterday was the unveiling of Hannah's bench.  The bench is perfect and beautiful just like our girl.  There were moments when we along with her classmates were singing her favorite songs that I could just imagine her looking down on us with that beautiful smile enjoying it all with us.  How I wish she were here but I won't dwell on that.  She will now always be a part of the place she loved so much and for that I am forever grateful.  It was an amazing day and her teacher and school staff did an incredible job of honoring her.  Thank you Harwood and HISD for making this a possibility and thank you Linda Solby for using your talents in such a marvelous way. 

Some photos from the day.

Saw the bench in person

David, the boys, and I went down to Hillsboro yesterday evening to see Hannah's memorial bench.  It was delivered and set up Tuesday.  The photos don't even do it justice.  It is a perfect representation of Hannah's life and things she loved.  It feels good to know she'll always be part of a place she loved so much.  The dedication or unveling is next Thursday Nov. 4th at noon.  If you can come we'd love to have you there.  I'll post photos from the dedication for all to see.  Please keep us in your prayers.

9 mths and final memorial bench photo before shipping

It's been 9 mths since I held you hannah, and I miss you so.  It feels like an eternity, yet it feels like just yesterday too.  I miss you terribly and will never forget all you brought to my life and your world.  The hole you left in my life and heart can never be filled.  Thank you for being the beautiful wonderful little girl you were.  My life is better because I knew you.  I can't wait for you to show me heaven.  Until I can be with you, I will work to honor your life and all you gave me sweet beautiful girl!  All my love!  Mommy

Final Memorial Bench Photo before Shipping.  Should be delivered in next couple weeks.

Tomorrow will be 9 mths since my precious Hannah left us.  I wish I could tell you that it has gotten easier, but it hasn't.  In some ways it's harder.  I worry about not being able to remember some of the things I loved so much about her.  The sound of her voice, the feel of her hair, the way she smelled.  It's so hard to grasp that we'll never see her again on this side of heaven.

All the things people say, because they don't know what to say, start to get on your nerves.  I'm not being ugly but here's what I need.  I need you to tell me memories you have of my Hannah.  I need you to tell me you loved her.  I need you to say her name.  I need you to let me talk about her as much as I want to, and not talk about her if I can't.  Don't ask me to call you if I need anything.  Please don't make me reach out to you.  If I come to mind or heart act on it.  Don't leave me out of stuff because you think I may can't handle it.  Let me make that decision for myself.  That includes conversations.  If you have a special needs kiddo, and you were part of my special needs world, please don't be afraid of me and please don't stop sharing your kids with me.  You don't have to offer any words of comfort.  Just tell me you love me and are praying.  I know all the..."she's in a better place, you have an angel in heaven now, you still have the boys, she's not suffering anymore, she's got her nanna and uncle dewayne, etc" by heart.  All that is true, but verbalizing it doesn't help.  It doens't minimize or lessen the ache in my heart or the huge hole in my life.  The old Marcey would have never said any of this, I know.  I'm sorry.  It's just hard...unbelievably hard.  I'm  pouring it out and hoping y'all will understand or at the least tolerate it and still love me. 

I miss Hannah.  I miss my life with Hannah.  Some really great things are happening for us.  We love our home and Arlington.  I'm excited about opportunities that are presenting themselves.  Honestly though, I'd give it all up if I could have the life I had with my girl even with all it's hardships.  Hannah was an incredible life force.  I miss it.  I miss her strength and courage.  I miss her love and sense of humor.  I miss her quirky sense of style and love for shoes.  Yes, I know she's in heaven and I wouldn't take that from her, but I do long to have her with me.  Not a moment goes by that I do not wish I had her in my arms.  I'll always long for her and miss her, and I don't believe that it means my faith is weak or lacking to desire her with me.  My faith is intact and stronger than ever.  Still, I would prefer she were still with me instead of heaven and I don't see anything wrong with that.  God knows it.  I told him the night before she died that I wanted her with me but that I'd let her go if it was time.  I did let her go but I still long for her.  I'm her mom and that doesn't change in death.  At least you won't be surprised when you say to me, "she's in a better place", and I answer, "yep, and I'm glad, but I would sure rather she be with me!" :)  Oh, and I went to a grief workshop with a grief specialist that has been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. and he told me I was perfectly normal in my thoughts.  I'm not crazy folks, my baby girl just died.  Be relieved, I was. :) 

All that being said, God has been so good to us and we are grateful.  I do find peace in knowing that my girl rests in the arms of God.  Every morning I ask God to give my girl a kiss and hug for me and tell her she was and is loved beyond measure.  It's an amazing comfort to believe that He cares enough about me to grant that request.  I'm eternally grateful that God continues to see us through this horribly painful time in our lives.

I know this blog post is a little different.  I guess after being told today for the hundredth time, "at least you still have the boys, they need you", and "you have an angel in heaven now", I had to vent a little.  I believe people want to be helpful, and I know I would never have known what to do in a situation like mine either.  I do think I would be glad if a friend I knew was in terrible pain, told me what I could do for them.  I love all of you so much!  Pleae keep praying for us no matter what, and please don't be upset with this blogging post.  I just had to get some things off my chest. 

For anyone that has a friend/family member who has lost a child here is a piece of an article I found. 

When Trying To Comfort Grieving Parents


DO:

Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.

Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.

Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.

Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.

Remember anniversaries and special days.

Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.

Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.

Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.

DO NOT:

Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.

Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.

Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.

Tell them you know just how they feel.

Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.

Only Petina and seal left and then shipping...

Today was a full day.  I met with Hannah's school about her bench and it's placement.  These people are so wonderful.  I could never have asked for a better group of education professionals for my girl.  She was loved and that is so evident to me.  A decision was made about placement.  I was able to put  shipment and all that goes with it in their hands and Hannah's teacher will plan the unveiling or some kind of ceremony.  I think it will be perfect and I'm grateful.

When I got home I had updated pictures of the bench.  Basically it is finished.  Linda (the artist) only has to Petina and seal it.  She is taking it to the shippers on Tuesday.  When I ordered the bench she told me it would be mid October and I can't believe it is already nearly mid October.  I'm very happy with the bench.  Happy is actually and understatement.  I'm thrilled with it.  I think it's a perfect representation of Hannah's life and her loves.  I can't say enough about Linda.  She sought my input every step of the way and worked hard to make this bench a perfect representation of our girl.  Incredible work.  I can't wait to see it in person!

Please continue to pray for us.  We miss Hannah so much and it really hasn't gotten easier.  God gives us the grace we need to make it through the day and we're thankful.  Thank you for your continued support and prayers.  Here are the photos I received today.  I hope some of you will be able to join us when we remember our precious Hannah!  Love to all!

Updated Memorial bench photos