You are my sunshine...my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray...you never know dear how much I love you...so please don't take my sunshine away...
Hannah and I would sing this song daily. I loved the sweet way she said the words. Precious moments I'll never forget. Never. I can't tell you the number of times I'd sing the last phrase of that song with tears in my eyes. Something in me, although I wouldn't admit it, knew I'd not always have my girl with me. I'm thankful for all the time I spent with my girl and all the fun we had. I do however wish I had spent more time and we'd have had more fun. I keep replaying the last couple months with Hannah in my mind and I can tell you that I'm extremely thankful for the prompting that I believe God gave me to put down what I was doing and spend time with Hannah. So many times she'd come in the middle of me doing something and I'd want to put her off only to feel a quickening that I do not know if I'll have tomorrow. I'd put everything down and spend some precious moments with my girl. Moments I'll forever cherish. I know it probably sounds strange to some, but it is what happened to me and I believe God gave me a gift in the quickenings. Time is truly a gift. I'm grateful.
Hannah's bench is done and dedicated. It is beautiful and it's perfect. It is a project that I'm so glad we did and I'm so incredibly thankful for the artist; Linda Solby, Harwood, and HISD for making it a possibility. I started putting the bench project together in March of this year only months after Hannah's passing. It was fun and fulfilling to see it through. Hannah's teacher put together the unveiling and she did an incredible job. It was all just perfect. The day after the unveiling I did not get out of bed or my PJ's until after 2 p.m. I found myself grieving and feeling like I had done the last tangible thing I could do for Hannah on this earth. It was a tough day. Those come and go and I'm learning to go with the eb and flow of things. Not easy but it's my reality and I am learning.
The holiday season is upon us and I have found myself wanting to throw a hissy fit and ban it this year. I don't want to do Christmas without my girl. Another part of me can't help but remember the beautiful and wonderful last Christmas we had with Hannah. I am trusting God to get me through in whatever manner he sees fit because I sure don't have a clue how to do it. I'm thanking God that He has a plan and works things in such a way that only He can do. I"m confident we'll get through the next couple of months(Thanksgiving through the one year anniversary of Hannah's death) with the same grace and mercy that has lead us through the past 10 months. He's faithful.
We're all doing o.k. and I know that's in huge part to all the prayers and support from our friends and family. Thank you!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Bench Unveiling
Yesterday was the unveiling of Hannah's bench. The bench is perfect and beautiful just like our girl. There were moments when we along with her classmates were singing her favorite songs that I could just imagine her looking down on us with that beautiful smile enjoying it all with us. How I wish she were here but I won't dwell on that. She will now always be a part of the place she loved so much and for that I am forever grateful. It was an amazing day and her teacher and school staff did an incredible job of honoring her. Thank you Harwood and HISD for making this a possibility and thank you Linda Solby for using your talents in such a marvelous way.
Some photos from the day.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Saw the bench in person
David, the boys, and I went down to Hillsboro yesterday evening to see Hannah's memorial bench. It was delivered and set up Tuesday. The photos don't even do it justice. It is a perfect representation of Hannah's life and things she loved. It feels good to know she'll always be part of a place she loved so much. The dedication or unveling is next Thursday Nov. 4th at noon. If you can come we'd love to have you there. I'll post photos from the dedication for all to see. Please keep us in your prayers.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
9 mths and final memorial bench photo before shipping
It's been 9 mths since I held you hannah, and I miss you so. It feels like an eternity, yet it feels like just yesterday too. I miss you terribly and will never forget all you brought to my life and your world. The hole you left in my life and heart can never be filled. Thank you for being the beautiful wonderful little girl you were. My life is better because I knew you. I can't wait for you to show me heaven. Until I can be with you, I will work to honor your life and all you gave me sweet beautiful girl! All my love! Mommy
Tomorrow will be 9 mths since my precious Hannah left us. I wish I could tell you that it has gotten easier, but it hasn't. In some ways it's harder. I worry about not being able to remember some of the things I loved so much about her. The sound of her voice, the feel of her hair, the way she smelled. It's so hard to grasp that we'll never see her again on this side of heaven.
All the things people say, because they don't know what to say, start to get on your nerves. I'm not being ugly but here's what I need. I need you to tell me memories you have of my Hannah. I need you to tell me you loved her. I need you to say her name. I need you to let me talk about her as much as I want to, and not talk about her if I can't. Don't ask me to call you if I need anything. Please don't make me reach out to you. If I come to mind or heart act on it. Don't leave me out of stuff because you think I may can't handle it. Let me make that decision for myself. That includes conversations. If you have a special needs kiddo, and you were part of my special needs world, please don't be afraid of me and please don't stop sharing your kids with me. You don't have to offer any words of comfort. Just tell me you love me and are praying. I know all the..."she's in a better place, you have an angel in heaven now, you still have the boys, she's not suffering anymore, she's got her nanna and uncle dewayne, etc" by heart. All that is true, but verbalizing it doesn't help. It doens't minimize or lessen the ache in my heart or the huge hole in my life. The old Marcey would have never said any of this, I know. I'm sorry. It's just hard...unbelievably hard. I'm pouring it out and hoping y'all will understand or at the least tolerate it and still love me.
I miss Hannah. I miss my life with Hannah. Some really great things are happening for us. We love our home and Arlington. I'm excited about opportunities that are presenting themselves. Honestly though, I'd give it all up if I could have the life I had with my girl even with all it's hardships. Hannah was an incredible life force. I miss it. I miss her strength and courage. I miss her love and sense of humor. I miss her quirky sense of style and love for shoes. Yes, I know she's in heaven and I wouldn't take that from her, but I do long to have her with me. Not a moment goes by that I do not wish I had her in my arms. I'll always long for her and miss her, and I don't believe that it means my faith is weak or lacking to desire her with me. My faith is intact and stronger than ever. Still, I would prefer she were still with me instead of heaven and I don't see anything wrong with that. God knows it. I told him the night before she died that I wanted her with me but that I'd let her go if it was time. I did let her go but I still long for her. I'm her mom and that doesn't change in death. At least you won't be surprised when you say to me, "she's in a better place", and I answer, "yep, and I'm glad, but I would sure rather she be with me!" :) Oh, and I went to a grief workshop with a grief specialist that has been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. and he told me I was perfectly normal in my thoughts. I'm not crazy folks, my baby girl just died. Be relieved, I was. :)
All that being said, God has been so good to us and we are grateful. I do find peace in knowing that my girl rests in the arms of God. Every morning I ask God to give my girl a kiss and hug for me and tell her she was and is loved beyond measure. It's an amazing comfort to believe that He cares enough about me to grant that request. I'm eternally grateful that God continues to see us through this horribly painful time in our lives.
I know this blog post is a little different. I guess after being told today for the hundredth time, "at least you still have the boys, they need you", and "you have an angel in heaven now", I had to vent a little. I believe people want to be helpful, and I know I would never have known what to do in a situation like mine either. I do think I would be glad if a friend I knew was in terrible pain, told me what I could do for them. I love all of you so much! Pleae keep praying for us no matter what, and please don't be upset with this blogging post. I just had to get some things off my chest.
For anyone that has a friend/family member who has lost a child here is a piece of an article I found.
When Trying To Comfort Grieving Parents
DO:
Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.
Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.
Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.
Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.
Remember anniversaries and special days.
Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.
Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.
Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.
DO NOT:
Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.
Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.
Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.
Tell them you know just how they feel.
Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.
Final Memorial Bench Photo before Shipping. Should be delivered in next couple weeks.
All the things people say, because they don't know what to say, start to get on your nerves. I'm not being ugly but here's what I need. I need you to tell me memories you have of my Hannah. I need you to tell me you loved her. I need you to say her name. I need you to let me talk about her as much as I want to, and not talk about her if I can't. Don't ask me to call you if I need anything. Please don't make me reach out to you. If I come to mind or heart act on it. Don't leave me out of stuff because you think I may can't handle it. Let me make that decision for myself. That includes conversations. If you have a special needs kiddo, and you were part of my special needs world, please don't be afraid of me and please don't stop sharing your kids with me. You don't have to offer any words of comfort. Just tell me you love me and are praying. I know all the..."she's in a better place, you have an angel in heaven now, you still have the boys, she's not suffering anymore, she's got her nanna and uncle dewayne, etc" by heart. All that is true, but verbalizing it doesn't help. It doens't minimize or lessen the ache in my heart or the huge hole in my life. The old Marcey would have never said any of this, I know. I'm sorry. It's just hard...unbelievably hard. I'm pouring it out and hoping y'all will understand or at the least tolerate it and still love me.
I miss Hannah. I miss my life with Hannah. Some really great things are happening for us. We love our home and Arlington. I'm excited about opportunities that are presenting themselves. Honestly though, I'd give it all up if I could have the life I had with my girl even with all it's hardships. Hannah was an incredible life force. I miss it. I miss her strength and courage. I miss her love and sense of humor. I miss her quirky sense of style and love for shoes. Yes, I know she's in heaven and I wouldn't take that from her, but I do long to have her with me. Not a moment goes by that I do not wish I had her in my arms. I'll always long for her and miss her, and I don't believe that it means my faith is weak or lacking to desire her with me. My faith is intact and stronger than ever. Still, I would prefer she were still with me instead of heaven and I don't see anything wrong with that. God knows it. I told him the night before she died that I wanted her with me but that I'd let her go if it was time. I did let her go but I still long for her. I'm her mom and that doesn't change in death. At least you won't be surprised when you say to me, "she's in a better place", and I answer, "yep, and I'm glad, but I would sure rather she be with me!" :) Oh, and I went to a grief workshop with a grief specialist that has been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. and he told me I was perfectly normal in my thoughts. I'm not crazy folks, my baby girl just died. Be relieved, I was. :)
All that being said, God has been so good to us and we are grateful. I do find peace in knowing that my girl rests in the arms of God. Every morning I ask God to give my girl a kiss and hug for me and tell her she was and is loved beyond measure. It's an amazing comfort to believe that He cares enough about me to grant that request. I'm eternally grateful that God continues to see us through this horribly painful time in our lives.
I know this blog post is a little different. I guess after being told today for the hundredth time, "at least you still have the boys, they need you", and "you have an angel in heaven now", I had to vent a little. I believe people want to be helpful, and I know I would never have known what to do in a situation like mine either. I do think I would be glad if a friend I knew was in terrible pain, told me what I could do for them. I love all of you so much! Pleae keep praying for us no matter what, and please don't be upset with this blogging post. I just had to get some things off my chest.
For anyone that has a friend/family member who has lost a child here is a piece of an article I found.
When Trying To Comfort Grieving Parents
DO:
Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.
Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.
Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.
Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.
Remember anniversaries and special days.
Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.
Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.
Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.
DO NOT:
Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.
Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.
Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.
Tell them you know just how they feel.
Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Only Petina and seal left and then shipping...
Today was a full day. I met with Hannah's school about her bench and it's placement. These people are so wonderful. I could never have asked for a better group of education professionals for my girl. She was loved and that is so evident to me. A decision was made about placement. I was able to put shipment and all that goes with it in their hands and Hannah's teacher will plan the unveiling or some kind of ceremony. I think it will be perfect and I'm grateful.
When I got home I had updated pictures of the bench. Basically it is finished. Linda (the artist) only has to Petina and seal it. She is taking it to the shippers on Tuesday. When I ordered the bench she told me it would be mid October and I can't believe it is already nearly mid October. I'm very happy with the bench. Happy is actually and understatement. I'm thrilled with it. I think it's a perfect representation of Hannah's life and her loves. I can't say enough about Linda. She sought my input every step of the way and worked hard to make this bench a perfect representation of our girl. Incredible work. I can't wait to see it in person!
Please continue to pray for us. We miss Hannah so much and it really hasn't gotten easier. God gives us the grace we need to make it through the day and we're thankful. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. Here are the photos I received today. I hope some of you will be able to join us when we remember our precious Hannah! Love to all!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Hannah's Memorial bench
This is a picture of Hannah's memorial bench as it is being created. We are so excited about this project. Linda Solsby is a fabulous artist and she is wonderful to work with. She is working hard to make this bench to memorialize Hannah in every way. I can't wait to see the final product. I know it'll be grand.
Monday, September 20, 2010
8 months
Hannah was gone 8 months on Friday. It's so hard to believe it's been 8 months since I held that precious little girl in my arms and kissed her beautiful forehead. I miss her so much. I miss having her under my feet as I cook dinner and having to sing her songs over and over. I miss her announcing it's time to fix supper and saying over and over, "it's hot, very hot, yes it is!". I miss her giving my dishes bubble baths and the water all over the place. I'd give anything to sing and dance to the Dino Dance, "First you hop hop hop all over the place, shake your dino tail and make a funny face, everybody is twisting and turning, have a lot of fun while learning, to do the Dino Dance"...or..."You deserve the glory and the honor, lord we lift our hands to heaven as we magnify your name, you deserve the glory and the honor, lord we lift our hands to heaven as we magnify your name, for you are great, you do miracles so great, there is no one else like you, there is no one else like you, for you are great, you do miracles so great, there is no one else like you, there is no one else like you". Those are just a couple of our kitchen time songs. My girl sure did love to sing. She loved music. Got that from her daddy. Our girl is very missed in case you didn't know it. :)
I had a doctors appointment in Richardson today so I decided to go on the cemetary. I was alone and really needed to go. As soon as I turned down the road to the cemetary I started crying. I got out of the car, cleaned up the graves, fixed the flowers, and then sat down on the ground and had a talk with my girl. Cemetary's have always creeped me out somewhat. That's changed since Hannah's passing. Today it just felt good. I know she isn't there but it's where her body rests. It's hard to explain. All I know is that I left glad that I came.
The artist is working on Hannah's memorial bench for her school. It is going to be amazingly beautiful. She does them in mosaics. Hannah's will have a school house, ABC's, flowers, a golden retriever, musical notes, her photograph, and memorial plaque. Linda sends me progress as she does it and it's just going to be so perfect. I'm excited and can't wait to see it.
We recently did a promo for the counseling center that we go to here in Arlington. I'll try to post it here so you can all see it. It was about Hannah's life and how the counseling center helped. We were so glad that we were able to do a little something in return for all that has been done for us.
Please keep praying for us. We're making it but it's because people pray for us we know. We miss Hannah so much every single day. Our hearts are always heavy with her loss. God's been so good to us in the midst of our pain and we are grateful. Thanks for all your prayers and support. Thanks for loving our girl. Thanks for loving us.
I had a doctors appointment in Richardson today so I decided to go on the cemetary. I was alone and really needed to go. As soon as I turned down the road to the cemetary I started crying. I got out of the car, cleaned up the graves, fixed the flowers, and then sat down on the ground and had a talk with my girl. Cemetary's have always creeped me out somewhat. That's changed since Hannah's passing. Today it just felt good. I know she isn't there but it's where her body rests. It's hard to explain. All I know is that I left glad that I came.
The artist is working on Hannah's memorial bench for her school. It is going to be amazingly beautiful. She does them in mosaics. Hannah's will have a school house, ABC's, flowers, a golden retriever, musical notes, her photograph, and memorial plaque. Linda sends me progress as she does it and it's just going to be so perfect. I'm excited and can't wait to see it.
We recently did a promo for the counseling center that we go to here in Arlington. I'll try to post it here so you can all see it. It was about Hannah's life and how the counseling center helped. We were so glad that we were able to do a little something in return for all that has been done for us.
Please keep praying for us. We're making it but it's because people pray for us we know. We miss Hannah so much every single day. Our hearts are always heavy with her loss. God's been so good to us in the midst of our pain and we are grateful. Thanks for all your prayers and support. Thanks for loving our girl. Thanks for loving us.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thanksgiving
Hannah will have been gone 7 months tomorrow. I miss her more than I can ever express. I'm really starting not to believe people when they say it gets easier. It hurts just as much today as it did the day I had to let her go. We would not make it through this without God and the people he has placed in our life. I can't imagine going through this without Christ.
I've been dwelling a lot on my loss lately. It's a huge loss, you know. Easy to dwell on it. I feel Hannah's absense every waking minute of everyday. Hannah was just the kind of person that connected to everything good inside of you. I miss that connection. I just miss her.
This morning during my devotional time I was praying and crying.(I'm a bucket of tears now a days) Towards the end of my prayer time for some reason I just started thinking about how I had Hannah for 8 years. God gave me 8 years, nearly 9, with my girl. I wasn't even supposed to have her a few hours. The very fact that she lived 8 years to experience and influence the world around her was a miracle. My Noo(nickname prounouced Nu) was beautiful. I got to be the momma of the strongest girl I will ever know. A girl that loved life in the midst of great pain and against all odds. A girl that changed the way everyone who knew her thought about and experienced life. A girl that showed me that if you celebrate small accomplishments your life is alot more joyful because you have a lot of small accomplishments and only a few Big ones. There aren't enough words to tell you all that Hannah's life meant to me.
So, today I'm thankful. I will forever be grateful for the years I had as Hannah's momma and look forward to the day when I see her again. BTW, it's becoming less and less puzzling to me why "I'll Fly Away" was her favorite song. It's incredible the more and more I think about it. I wonder if she was singing it as the angels carried her home.
God Bless!
I'll Fly Away
Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye
I've been dwelling a lot on my loss lately. It's a huge loss, you know. Easy to dwell on it. I feel Hannah's absense every waking minute of everyday. Hannah was just the kind of person that connected to everything good inside of you. I miss that connection. I just miss her.
This morning during my devotional time I was praying and crying.(I'm a bucket of tears now a days) Towards the end of my prayer time for some reason I just started thinking about how I had Hannah for 8 years. God gave me 8 years, nearly 9, with my girl. I wasn't even supposed to have her a few hours. The very fact that she lived 8 years to experience and influence the world around her was a miracle. My Noo(nickname prounouced Nu) was beautiful. I got to be the momma of the strongest girl I will ever know. A girl that loved life in the midst of great pain and against all odds. A girl that changed the way everyone who knew her thought about and experienced life. A girl that showed me that if you celebrate small accomplishments your life is alot more joyful because you have a lot of small accomplishments and only a few Big ones. There aren't enough words to tell you all that Hannah's life meant to me.
So, today I'm thankful. I will forever be grateful for the years I had as Hannah's momma and look forward to the day when I see her again. BTW, it's becoming less and less puzzling to me why "I'll Fly Away" was her favorite song. It's incredible the more and more I think about it. I wonder if she was singing it as the angels carried her home.
God Bless!
I'll Fly Away
Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
School Time...
These are photos from one of the times we took Hannah to Franklin where she would go to PPCD(Public preschool for children with developmental delays). We wanted her to be used to the playground equipment. LOL! Great memories!
Man, this is a tough one. I'd say it is almost as tough as her Birthday. This was OUR time. This was the time Hannah and I enjoyed so much. I LOVED that she loved school. It was always an exciting time even if a little scary. I miss going to hannaandersson.com and ordering her a couple cute outfits. I miss taking her shoes shopping. I miss the meetings with staff to prepare them for her and her for them. I miss the countdown we did. I miss the tears as I leave her on that first day and her huge grin as she gets to do the thing she loved the most. I miss the thought I had every single day as I walked out that door and left her, the realization that it could very possibly be the last time I see that smile and I hate that it is my reality. It's just tough!
I love school, I love school supplies, I love books, I love backpacks, I love learning and I got to live all I love through my Hannah. I got to share the joy of it with her. This was something we shared. Something that bonded us. I miss her.
I wouldn't ask her to come back but sometimes in my pain I just want to go up to heaven and snatch her back and tell God he can't have her. That she's mine. I know I'd get up there and not take her because there is no way I'd want to after I saw what she sees and feel what she feels. I just miss her. In church Sunday the pastor talked about John's vision of heaven found in Revelations and the revealing of the glorified Christ. I couldn't help but feel so in awe of the fact that my Hannah is there witnessing all of that. She's now part of the splendor of heaven. In my opinion a big part of it. ;)
I have a new passage of scripture that is my favorite now. I'm continually in awe of how our struggles in this life are not new struggles and when we need a word, if we look, or have a friend that looks, LOL, we will find something that speaks strength to our hearts. I've lived this passage over and over and over the past nearly 7 mths. I've wailed at God crying out with questions like; "What is wrong with me? Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Did I not take good enough care of her? Why do you hate me?" only to move to remembering what a miracle Hannah's life was from the beginning and how good God was to us. I wish we could have had Hannah with us longer. I miss that beautiful face and sweet voice. It was her time though. God called her home...."time to end your suffering Hannah". I do believe angels walk among us. I think I gave birth to one. ;) I lived in the presence of an angel for almost 9 years. What an incredible blessing! I hope this passage I'm posting will bless you in some way. I know I'm not the only one that misses our girl! God bless! Happy New School Year!
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Man, this is a tough one. I'd say it is almost as tough as her Birthday. This was OUR time. This was the time Hannah and I enjoyed so much. I LOVED that she loved school. It was always an exciting time even if a little scary. I miss going to hannaandersson.com and ordering her a couple cute outfits. I miss taking her shoes shopping. I miss the meetings with staff to prepare them for her and her for them. I miss the countdown we did. I miss the tears as I leave her on that first day and her huge grin as she gets to do the thing she loved the most. I miss the thought I had every single day as I walked out that door and left her, the realization that it could very possibly be the last time I see that smile and I hate that it is my reality. It's just tough!
I love school, I love school supplies, I love books, I love backpacks, I love learning and I got to live all I love through my Hannah. I got to share the joy of it with her. This was something we shared. Something that bonded us. I miss her.
I wouldn't ask her to come back but sometimes in my pain I just want to go up to heaven and snatch her back and tell God he can't have her. That she's mine. I know I'd get up there and not take her because there is no way I'd want to after I saw what she sees and feel what she feels. I just miss her. In church Sunday the pastor talked about John's vision of heaven found in Revelations and the revealing of the glorified Christ. I couldn't help but feel so in awe of the fact that my Hannah is there witnessing all of that. She's now part of the splendor of heaven. In my opinion a big part of it. ;)
I have a new passage of scripture that is my favorite now. I'm continually in awe of how our struggles in this life are not new struggles and when we need a word, if we look, or have a friend that looks, LOL, we will find something that speaks strength to our hearts. I've lived this passage over and over and over the past nearly 7 mths. I've wailed at God crying out with questions like; "What is wrong with me? Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Did I not take good enough care of her? Why do you hate me?" only to move to remembering what a miracle Hannah's life was from the beginning and how good God was to us. I wish we could have had Hannah with us longer. I miss that beautiful face and sweet voice. It was her time though. God called her home...."time to end your suffering Hannah". I do believe angels walk among us. I think I gave birth to one. ;) I lived in the presence of an angel for almost 9 years. What an incredible blessing! I hope this passage I'm posting will bless you in some way. I know I'm not the only one that misses our girl! God bless! Happy New School Year!
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Good Grief!
I've been in a pretty hard place the last couple of weeks. Have you ever wanted something so bad and you knew there was no possible way to have it? It's not a good feeling. Think of that in terms of one of your children. Think about wanting to hear their voice or see them and KNOW that you can't ever do that. You can't plan a visit, or pick up a phone, or just go. EVER. I'm aware I will one day when I join Hannah in Heaven, but sometimes, a lot of times, right now, that isn't helpful.
I really am a person that avoids anger at all costs. I do not like people being mad. I don't like being mad. I don't like the way being angry feels. I also do not like to cry. Crying is neccessary I'm aware and I do it, but I do not like it. I've done a lot of crying in the past 6 months. More than I ever thought I could.
A couple of weeks ago I developed terrible back and neck pain. It was bad enough that I was seriously considering going to the doctor and those of you that know me, know that had to be pretty bad. There was no obvious reasons for the pain. I did not strain it. I had driven a lot but I do that all the time. Never had pain from it. It just popped up with no rhyme or reason.
I always try to be strong even when I'm not expected to or have to. I've decided that is a flaw. Nothing noble in it. Yesterday afternoon I sat on my bed, got out my phone and watched all the 30 second videos I have of Hannah on it. You can hear me way more than you can hear her but her sweet voice can be heard and it brought some of the precious moments just she and I had together back so vividly. I began sobbing and talking to God not so nicely. I asked, "what is wrong with me? Why did you do this to me? What did I do wrong? What am I not learning? Didn't I take good enough care of her? Didn't I love her enough?". Those were just a few of many. Honestly I know God called Hannah home because it was time to end her physical suffering. My mother's heart though just aches. Unless you have experienced this kind of loss you can't phathom it. I'm convinced there is no greater loss. Of course I know God loves me and all that. However sometimes none of it makes sense and I get mad. That's just the way it is for me.
After about 30 minutes of sobbing and talking to God I got up and began doing things. I had been in the dumps so bad that I had neglected a lot of stuff. I noticed I seemed lighter. Not happier but not so dark and gloomy. It wasn't long until I noticed that my back pain and neck pain were gone. A little soreness but no pain. I've heard and read so much about stress and what it does to the body. I never pay attention to it. My doctors harp on me about stress relief EVERY time I see them. "You have got to manage your stress load, Marcey". Your life depends on it. Seriously I get told that every month. I'm usually rolling my eyes and saying, "yeah right!" I even recently had a pschologist teach me relaxation techniques. I was skeptical but they really do work. Do I use them? Rarely. I have no excuses.
I always say I'm going to "try" to do something. In my "Vein of Gold" group yesterday our group leader asked us to show her how you "try" to do something. None of us could. The fact of the matter is you either can or you can't. You either do or you don't. Give it a shot. Go "try" to shake someones hand. See what happens. Fact of the matter is we choose whether we do or don't and "trying" can be a copout. That's the case for me. It's a word of safety. No one can fault you for "trying".
So today instead of saying, "despite my grief I'll try to take better care of myself and manage my stress level" or saying, I'll "try" to allow myself to express the grief I feel at losing Hannah instead of bottling it up until I physically hurt", I'm saying, "I will take better care of myself and do things to manage my stress and I will allow myself to feel and express the grief I have over the death of my Hannah". I'm choosing not to use that word of safety and just do.
Hannah, I want you to be proud of momma, but I'm going to let go of the notion that I have to handle your death in the "right" way, that I have to be strong and say and do the "right" thing for that to happen. I will make you proud but it's not going to be without my feeling and expressing the deep sorrow I feel at not having you physically with me. I know it's an expectation I put on myself. Not one you'd ever impose. I love you so deeply and miss you every breathing second of my day sweet beautiful girl! Thanks for being such a wonderful child and teaching me so much about life and living it. Love you always!
I really am a person that avoids anger at all costs. I do not like people being mad. I don't like being mad. I don't like the way being angry feels. I also do not like to cry. Crying is neccessary I'm aware and I do it, but I do not like it. I've done a lot of crying in the past 6 months. More than I ever thought I could.
A couple of weeks ago I developed terrible back and neck pain. It was bad enough that I was seriously considering going to the doctor and those of you that know me, know that had to be pretty bad. There was no obvious reasons for the pain. I did not strain it. I had driven a lot but I do that all the time. Never had pain from it. It just popped up with no rhyme or reason.
I always try to be strong even when I'm not expected to or have to. I've decided that is a flaw. Nothing noble in it. Yesterday afternoon I sat on my bed, got out my phone and watched all the 30 second videos I have of Hannah on it. You can hear me way more than you can hear her but her sweet voice can be heard and it brought some of the precious moments just she and I had together back so vividly. I began sobbing and talking to God not so nicely. I asked, "what is wrong with me? Why did you do this to me? What did I do wrong? What am I not learning? Didn't I take good enough care of her? Didn't I love her enough?". Those were just a few of many. Honestly I know God called Hannah home because it was time to end her physical suffering. My mother's heart though just aches. Unless you have experienced this kind of loss you can't phathom it. I'm convinced there is no greater loss. Of course I know God loves me and all that. However sometimes none of it makes sense and I get mad. That's just the way it is for me.
After about 30 minutes of sobbing and talking to God I got up and began doing things. I had been in the dumps so bad that I had neglected a lot of stuff. I noticed I seemed lighter. Not happier but not so dark and gloomy. It wasn't long until I noticed that my back pain and neck pain were gone. A little soreness but no pain. I've heard and read so much about stress and what it does to the body. I never pay attention to it. My doctors harp on me about stress relief EVERY time I see them. "You have got to manage your stress load, Marcey". Your life depends on it. Seriously I get told that every month. I'm usually rolling my eyes and saying, "yeah right!" I even recently had a pschologist teach me relaxation techniques. I was skeptical but they really do work. Do I use them? Rarely. I have no excuses.
I always say I'm going to "try" to do something. In my "Vein of Gold" group yesterday our group leader asked us to show her how you "try" to do something. None of us could. The fact of the matter is you either can or you can't. You either do or you don't. Give it a shot. Go "try" to shake someones hand. See what happens. Fact of the matter is we choose whether we do or don't and "trying" can be a copout. That's the case for me. It's a word of safety. No one can fault you for "trying".
So today instead of saying, "despite my grief I'll try to take better care of myself and manage my stress level" or saying, I'll "try" to allow myself to express the grief I feel at losing Hannah instead of bottling it up until I physically hurt", I'm saying, "I will take better care of myself and do things to manage my stress and I will allow myself to feel and express the grief I have over the death of my Hannah". I'm choosing not to use that word of safety and just do.
Hannah, I want you to be proud of momma, but I'm going to let go of the notion that I have to handle your death in the "right" way, that I have to be strong and say and do the "right" thing for that to happen. I will make you proud but it's not going to be without my feeling and expressing the deep sorrow I feel at not having you physically with me. I know it's an expectation I put on myself. Not one you'd ever impose. I love you so deeply and miss you every breathing second of my day sweet beautiful girl! Thanks for being such a wonderful child and teaching me so much about life and living it. Love you always!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
My heart goes on...
I couldn't sleep last night. I'm missing my girl a lot. I felt a melt down coming on and thought the shower was the best place to have it. No one can hear me over the water. After my shower I came to bed and pulled up Hannah's blog and went back to the beginning. I read through the entire thing. God, I'm so glad I kept this thing. So many things I had forgotten but my memory was refreshed as I read through. I feel like my inspiration for writing died with her. I love writing but I loved writing about her. What can I possibly write about her now. It all seems so sad and leaves me flailing around for what I should do next. I don't want to let the world forget her. Not many people ask how I'm doing anymore and so many are afraid to say Hannah's name. I long for people to talk about her, to remember her. I think even my boys and David are afraid to talk about her for fear of upsetting me or making me feel worse. The only thing wrong with me is that I miss my girl. I think I'm handling her death pretty well. I get up everyday and I take showers, clean my house, get out and among people. I'm making it. I'm trying to live without her. I try to think about how happy she must be in heaven with the nanna that she loved so much, the beautiful music, and her Jesus(he was always HER Jesus). "My Jesus", she'd say. I Loved it. There are no more seizures there. No more doctors appt's and hospital stays. No more needles and procedures. I tell God everyday to tell her that her mommy loved her so much. That it's o.k. that she left me. I'll be o.k. And I am o.k. I believe in God's love for me and know that He took her because it was time. He decided "no more pain little Hannah" and took her home. I'm ready now like never before to join her some day. When it's my time. Until then, I put one foot in front of the other and love her from a distance. She's in my heart always.
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