Man, this is a tough one. I'd say it is almost as tough as her Birthday. This was OUR time. This was the time Hannah and I enjoyed so much. I LOVED that she loved school. It was always an exciting time even if a little scary. I miss going to hannaandersson.com and ordering her a couple cute outfits. I miss taking her shoes shopping. I miss the meetings with staff to prepare them for her and her for them. I miss the countdown we did. I miss the tears as I leave her on that first day and her huge grin as she gets to do the thing she loved the most. I miss the thought I had every single day as I walked out that door and left her, the realization that it could very possibly be the last time I see that smile and I hate that it is my reality. It's just tough!
I love school, I love school supplies, I love books, I love backpacks, I love learning and I got to live all I love through my Hannah. I got to share the joy of it with her. This was something we shared. Something that bonded us. I miss her.
I wouldn't ask her to come back but sometimes in my pain I just want to go up to heaven and snatch her back and tell God he can't have her. That she's mine. I know I'd get up there and not take her because there is no way I'd want to after I saw what she sees and feel what she feels. I just miss her. In church Sunday the pastor talked about John's vision of heaven found in Revelations and the revealing of the glorified Christ. I couldn't help but feel so in awe of the fact that my Hannah is there witnessing all of that. She's now part of the splendor of heaven. In my opinion a big part of it. ;)
I have a new passage of scripture that is my favorite now. I'm continually in awe of how our struggles in this life are not new struggles and when we need a word, if we look, or have a friend that looks, LOL, we will find something that speaks strength to our hearts. I've lived this passage over and over and over the past nearly 7 mths. I've wailed at God crying out with questions like; "What is wrong with me? Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Did I not take good enough care of her? Why do you hate me?" only to move to remembering what a miracle Hannah's life was from the beginning and how good God was to us. I wish we could have had Hannah with us longer. I miss that beautiful face and sweet voice. It was her time though. God called her home...."time to end your suffering Hannah". I do believe angels walk among us. I think I gave birth to one. ;) I lived in the presence of an angel for almost 9 years. What an incredible blessing! I hope this passage I'm posting will bless you in some way. I know I'm not the only one that misses our girl! God bless! Happy New School Year!
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
1 comment:
Marcey just wanted to tell you that you are always in my prayers and I do understand all these special days that can still hurt so much. You had so much more time with your Hannah than I did with my 18 hour old baby that died and yet it still hurts at times. I never even got to know my little one. You are loved and prayed for all the time. God bless you, Joan
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