Thursday, May 25, 2017
Sweet 16 - Happy Birthday!
It's not your birthday yet, but I can't help but think about you a lot right now. Today I attended an Autism Conference and as every speaker spoke I thought of my life with you, and missed you terribly. It's hard to believe that in a few days you'd have been 16 years old. I wonder what you'd look like, how you would have grown, where you would be developmentally, and how you would have responded to the advances in medication, therapies, and technology available today. Would you still love Sponge Bob or would you have found a new love? Would you still like kisses on your forehead? Would we still have to carry beads and flashcards with letters on them everywhere we go? Some days I just want to sit in a dark corner and disappear because the pain of not having you with me is so great. Your death still hurts, and I still miss you more than I can ever express. Living life while missing you is hard, but I know it is necessary. I can't stop living, but I do everything I can to keep you present in everything I do. I hope that you feel loved, and know that I will never ever forget you or the impact your life made on mine. You are the reason I am the person I am today. It is you who showed me how to fight and live. I will forever be grateful to you my sweet beautiful angel girl! Happy Birthday in a few days....May 30th! Love, Momma
Sunday, September 13, 2015
STOMP 2015
September 26th 2015 will the 2nd annual STOMP Texas 5k in memory of Hannah! All proceeds go to the Chelsea Hutchison Foundation to help those with epilepsy get seizure response dogs, monitors, anti-suffocation pillows, and other life saving equipment. We miss Hannah everyday and are so thankful for the opportunity to do this in her memory. Please consider joining us or making a donation to Hannah's Hands. Following are the links!
http://www.runningguru.com/EventInformation.asp?eID=14435 - This is the link to register for the walk!
https://www.runningguru.com/DonateTeam.asp?tID=29895 - This is the link to donate to Hananh's Hands!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Five Years - Jan. 17th 2015
Five years ago around this time, I was told my 8 year
old daughter would not survive the status seizure she had on Jan. 13th.
It wasn’t her first status seizure. She had many in her 8 years. Each
time we held our breath and prayed that she’d wake up and we’d go home.
So many times she did just that. Not this time however. This time her
kidneys would stop working, then her liver, and then her lungs. This
time she would not wake up. Her daddy and I would have to make the
decision to take her off life support. I never dreamed in a million
years we’d have to do something like that. No parent does. I can tell
you that it is the single most horrific experience of a lifetime. It
feels both cruel and kind at the same time. My baby girl was going to
die and I’d never play with her, sing to her, take her to school, fix
her chicken, or kiss her beautiful forehead ever again. Not in this
life.
I wasn’t prepared for the massive hole in my world that her death would bring. Its five years into this thing and that hole is just as big as it always was. I’ve tried hard to find ways to honor her life any way I can. Even through the work I do on a daily basis at my job. Still the hole remains and I’ve decided it will always exist. It’s another reminder that I loved that girl so much. I sure did and do love my Hannah.
I was told that we’d find a new normal. I resisted it for a while, but it is true. You do eventually settle into a new way of life. You do holidays differently, you build cemetery visits into your calendar, and you create new relationships. That’s something else, as a special needs parent you are so consumed with your child, and you build these friendships through forums, and websites, and face to face groups, and then your child is gone. The need for those daily interactions with people that had been your lifeline is gone or it changes; becomes awkward. You are living their worst nightmare. Everything changes while you long for what was. You wouldn’t in a minute trade the worst days with your child all added together over this. You’d choose every hard moment all over again if given the choice, but you’re not given the choice. You’re only choice is to figure out how to do life without your beautiful child.
Epilepsy is evil. When Hannah had her first seizure the neurologist that saw her told me, “you can’t die from a seizure.” I remember so many times using his comments to relieve my anxiety. On my bad days I want to take him straight to my daughter’s grave and have him look me in the eye and say that now. I’ve written him a letter asking him to never tell a parent that again, that doing so actually puts their child in danger, and that he is not helping. He never responded. Not surprised. Not enough research is being done. More now than in the past though, and my prayer is that it continues. I can tell you that living in the epilepsy world is not a fun thing. Fighting for medications, fighting for treatments, fighting with people to understand how serious it is because they’ve been misinformed for years, and watching people die and it be treated as one of the minimal risks of life with epilepsy. It’s infuriating, and needs to change.
I said all that to say this, I’ve survived the death of my daughter, I’ve created a new normal, and I have a good life. I have a wonderful marriage to my husband of almost 25 years, I have two great boys, fantastic friends, a great church, and a house I love. I am a business owner, and an advocate for families who live with epilepsy, and I mentor and am on the board of an organization that helps those who have suffered sexual violence. We help them get their lives back. I have a good life. If you had told me this is what my life looked last post Hannah, I’d have said you were crazy. Hannah was my life. I felt like she was my purpose. When she was gone, I felt totally lost, like my purpose for living was lost. But I am here, and I’m happy. I miss her like crazy, but I’ve made it.
I’ve made it because people who didn’t even know Hannah came beside me and loved me. They supported and knew I’d need to find a new normal. They helped me. I’ve made it because my old friends who knew Hannah send me messages and remind me of how much she meant to them and the things she did that impacted their lives. I’ve made it because I have a faith that gives me hope that although I will not see Hannah in this life, I will see my girl again. I’ve made it because I decided the best thing I can do for Hannah now is to honor her life and live life the way she did; facing whatever came her way with a smile on her face and love in her heart. I’ve made it because that same stubborn determination I so admired in my girl, was a gene passed to her from me. I’ve made it because I had to. The alternative was not an option. I’ve made it.
To my sweet sweet Hannah…It’s been 5 years and we’re still surviving your loss beautiful girl. I would have never thought we could. You taught me how. Thank you! It’s because of all that you showed me and taught me through your life that I can be happy in your absence. I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy, but then I think about you and know that I’m happy because I had you.
I wasn’t prepared for the massive hole in my world that her death would bring. Its five years into this thing and that hole is just as big as it always was. I’ve tried hard to find ways to honor her life any way I can. Even through the work I do on a daily basis at my job. Still the hole remains and I’ve decided it will always exist. It’s another reminder that I loved that girl so much. I sure did and do love my Hannah.
I was told that we’d find a new normal. I resisted it for a while, but it is true. You do eventually settle into a new way of life. You do holidays differently, you build cemetery visits into your calendar, and you create new relationships. That’s something else, as a special needs parent you are so consumed with your child, and you build these friendships through forums, and websites, and face to face groups, and then your child is gone. The need for those daily interactions with people that had been your lifeline is gone or it changes; becomes awkward. You are living their worst nightmare. Everything changes while you long for what was. You wouldn’t in a minute trade the worst days with your child all added together over this. You’d choose every hard moment all over again if given the choice, but you’re not given the choice. You’re only choice is to figure out how to do life without your beautiful child.
Epilepsy is evil. When Hannah had her first seizure the neurologist that saw her told me, “you can’t die from a seizure.” I remember so many times using his comments to relieve my anxiety. On my bad days I want to take him straight to my daughter’s grave and have him look me in the eye and say that now. I’ve written him a letter asking him to never tell a parent that again, that doing so actually puts their child in danger, and that he is not helping. He never responded. Not surprised. Not enough research is being done. More now than in the past though, and my prayer is that it continues. I can tell you that living in the epilepsy world is not a fun thing. Fighting for medications, fighting for treatments, fighting with people to understand how serious it is because they’ve been misinformed for years, and watching people die and it be treated as one of the minimal risks of life with epilepsy. It’s infuriating, and needs to change.
I said all that to say this, I’ve survived the death of my daughter, I’ve created a new normal, and I have a good life. I have a wonderful marriage to my husband of almost 25 years, I have two great boys, fantastic friends, a great church, and a house I love. I am a business owner, and an advocate for families who live with epilepsy, and I mentor and am on the board of an organization that helps those who have suffered sexual violence. We help them get their lives back. I have a good life. If you had told me this is what my life looked last post Hannah, I’d have said you were crazy. Hannah was my life. I felt like she was my purpose. When she was gone, I felt totally lost, like my purpose for living was lost. But I am here, and I’m happy. I miss her like crazy, but I’ve made it.
I’ve made it because people who didn’t even know Hannah came beside me and loved me. They supported and knew I’d need to find a new normal. They helped me. I’ve made it because my old friends who knew Hannah send me messages and remind me of how much she meant to them and the things she did that impacted their lives. I’ve made it because I have a faith that gives me hope that although I will not see Hannah in this life, I will see my girl again. I’ve made it because I decided the best thing I can do for Hannah now is to honor her life and live life the way she did; facing whatever came her way with a smile on her face and love in her heart. I’ve made it because that same stubborn determination I so admired in my girl, was a gene passed to her from me. I’ve made it because I had to. The alternative was not an option. I’ve made it.
To my sweet sweet Hannah…It’s been 5 years and we’re still surviving your loss beautiful girl. I would have never thought we could. You taught me how. Thank you! It’s because of all that you showed me and taught me through your life that I can be happy in your absence. I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy, but then I think about you and know that I’m happy because I had you.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Christmas 2014
It's Christmas Eve and daddy is playing the Christmas music as he piddles around the house. You'd be so excited today. Aunt Rhonda and all the girls are coming to the house to spend the night. Koolio will be in heaven. I've got a lot of cooking to do, and I'm so going to miss your tapping feet in the kitchen as I do it. If I close my eyes I can still see us singing, dancing, and giving my dishes bubble baths. There is sure to be tons of dishes today! My sweet Hannah I so miss you. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you. I try hard not to get sad, but it's just way hard because I love you so much! It feels like an eternity since I kissed that sweet forehead.
This year I lost someone that I hope you got to meet. You actually did meet her once a long time ago when you were just about a month old. She's Emily's grandma. Remember Emily? She was your "bestie" when you were in NICU. LOL! I sure wish you could have met Emily outside of NICU. Anyway, after you passed away Emily's grandma Kay contacted me about a job. It was really a lifesaver. I was so lost without you. She was the neatest person Hannah. Kay passed away this year and left a big hole in my world. I so hope you guys have met. She's a lot of fun. Her and nanna would be quite a pair. Speaking of Nanna, God I miss her too! That seems to be the theme for me this time of year. I just find myself missing so many people that meant the world to me. Sometimes I just think about how grand it will be to see all of you again someday and I'm so grateful for the hope that I will get to! I can't imagine living without that hope. It just feels like heaven is so far away and that makes it hard.
Another Christmas without you. Another year of living without you. There was a time I did not think I could do that, but I have. I let you inspire me...motivate me. You are with me every minute of everyday, in everything I do. I remain forever grateful for your life and love. I look forward to celebrating Christmas this year and remembering that last Christmas with you. What a gift that was! God has really blessed us with tremendous friends Hannah. Some never even met you but they love you! It's incredible and I'm thankful. I love our friends! I can only imagine the grandness of the love you are surrounded in. Heaven has to be a beautiful place...so many precious loved ones there that I hope you get to meet. I sure wish heaven weren't so far away! Merry Christmas my beautiful girl! Mommy loves and misses you so much!
This year I lost someone that I hope you got to meet. You actually did meet her once a long time ago when you were just about a month old. She's Emily's grandma. Remember Emily? She was your "bestie" when you were in NICU. LOL! I sure wish you could have met Emily outside of NICU. Anyway, after you passed away Emily's grandma Kay contacted me about a job. It was really a lifesaver. I was so lost without you. She was the neatest person Hannah. Kay passed away this year and left a big hole in my world. I so hope you guys have met. She's a lot of fun. Her and nanna would be quite a pair. Speaking of Nanna, God I miss her too! That seems to be the theme for me this time of year. I just find myself missing so many people that meant the world to me. Sometimes I just think about how grand it will be to see all of you again someday and I'm so grateful for the hope that I will get to! I can't imagine living without that hope. It just feels like heaven is so far away and that makes it hard.
Another Christmas without you. Another year of living without you. There was a time I did not think I could do that, but I have. I let you inspire me...motivate me. You are with me every minute of everyday, in everything I do. I remain forever grateful for your life and love. I look forward to celebrating Christmas this year and remembering that last Christmas with you. What a gift that was! God has really blessed us with tremendous friends Hannah. Some never even met you but they love you! It's incredible and I'm thankful. I love our friends! I can only imagine the grandness of the love you are surrounded in. Heaven has to be a beautiful place...so many precious loved ones there that I hope you get to meet. I sure wish heaven weren't so far away! Merry Christmas my beautiful girl! Mommy loves and misses you so much!
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
STOMP Texas 2014
On Sept. 20th we will be doing a 5k in Arlington in memory of Hannah at Fish Creek Park. It is the first and we are super excited. If you can join us, please do. Here are the links to join the 5k or to make a donation to Hannah's team.
To Register... http://www.runningguru.com/EventInformation.asp?eID=11997
To Donate... https://www.runningguru.com/Donate.asp?mID=MarceyChapman24153
To Register... http://www.runningguru.com/EventInformation.asp?eID=11997
To Donate... https://www.runningguru.com/Donate.asp?mID=MarceyChapman24153
Friday, May 30, 2014
It's your Birthday!
Wow! You would have been 13 years old today! So hard to believe. We miss you so much Hannah. As I type this I can hear daddy's music blaring...He's playing all y'alls songs. :-)
Last night I tried to imagine what you'd be like at 13 and what we'd be doing. It saddened me how difficult it was. I'll never know, but I have my imagination and I imagine you would be wonderful. You were wonderful. You were so great Hannah. You made everyone laugh all the time with things you did. We can't go through a football season without talking about how you'd streak all of us while we were watching the cowboys. The boys would holler and you'd giggle. It was great! Then there was how you always wanted to give my dirty dishes bubble baths. I can not stand at my sink without thinking about how much fun we had in the kitchen together. Thank you. You loved people and being around them. Something happened when you entered a room that I have yet been able to explain. You touched people at their core. At their heart. You made them forget all their troubles if only for just a little bit, and you inspired them to push forward whatever they were facing. You loved life and I'm so glad you did. I didn't understand it at the time...how could you love life so much when you experienced so much pain? I get it now Hannah, and I'm so grateful you were there to show me it can be done. Yes, you were wonderful!
I know you are getting lots of hugs and kisses on the forehead because I ask God regularly to grab you up while you're running around up there and give them to you for me. I can't wait for the day I can give them to you again myself. I was thinking the other day about how you came into our lives. I had two little boys and was done having children I thought. Zachary comes to his dad and I and asks for a little sister. He said, "I want a little sister." Dad and I both were taken back and tried to explain how that wouldn't happen. His response was, "I'll just pray to Jesus. Jesus gives me what I want!" We laughed but Zach prayed, and Jesus did give him what he wanted. :-) I'm so glad! I can't imagine a life without the experience of you in it. You were such a gift from God to all of us. Especially your momma Hannah. You'll never know what your life did for me. Before you came along I had no fight left in me. I was just existing and trying to survive each day. Then you showed up and gave me a reason to fight. Not only that but you modeled for me how life can be enjoyed and loved in the midst of great pain. You were an angel to this momma Hannah and I'll never forget you or what you've meant to my life. Thank you!
Hannah thank you for being you! I wish we could have had you with us much much longer. I wish you were here for us to go shoe shopping and have a party. I wish...well, I wish you were just here. You're not though, but I carry you with me in everything I do. Every client I see, every work out I do, every song I sing, everything...you are part of everything I do. I'll never forget! I love you sweet sweet girl! Until we meet again..."I love my Hannah...She loves me too...I love my Hannah...In everything we do!!!!"
Last night I tried to imagine what you'd be like at 13 and what we'd be doing. It saddened me how difficult it was. I'll never know, but I have my imagination and I imagine you would be wonderful. You were wonderful. You were so great Hannah. You made everyone laugh all the time with things you did. We can't go through a football season without talking about how you'd streak all of us while we were watching the cowboys. The boys would holler and you'd giggle. It was great! Then there was how you always wanted to give my dirty dishes bubble baths. I can not stand at my sink without thinking about how much fun we had in the kitchen together. Thank you. You loved people and being around them. Something happened when you entered a room that I have yet been able to explain. You touched people at their core. At their heart. You made them forget all their troubles if only for just a little bit, and you inspired them to push forward whatever they were facing. You loved life and I'm so glad you did. I didn't understand it at the time...how could you love life so much when you experienced so much pain? I get it now Hannah, and I'm so grateful you were there to show me it can be done. Yes, you were wonderful!
I know you are getting lots of hugs and kisses on the forehead because I ask God regularly to grab you up while you're running around up there and give them to you for me. I can't wait for the day I can give them to you again myself. I was thinking the other day about how you came into our lives. I had two little boys and was done having children I thought. Zachary comes to his dad and I and asks for a little sister. He said, "I want a little sister." Dad and I both were taken back and tried to explain how that wouldn't happen. His response was, "I'll just pray to Jesus. Jesus gives me what I want!" We laughed but Zach prayed, and Jesus did give him what he wanted. :-) I'm so glad! I can't imagine a life without the experience of you in it. You were such a gift from God to all of us. Especially your momma Hannah. You'll never know what your life did for me. Before you came along I had no fight left in me. I was just existing and trying to survive each day. Then you showed up and gave me a reason to fight. Not only that but you modeled for me how life can be enjoyed and loved in the midst of great pain. You were an angel to this momma Hannah and I'll never forget you or what you've meant to my life. Thank you!
Hannah thank you for being you! I wish we could have had you with us much much longer. I wish you were here for us to go shoe shopping and have a party. I wish...well, I wish you were just here. You're not though, but I carry you with me in everything I do. Every client I see, every work out I do, every song I sing, everything...you are part of everything I do. I'll never forget! I love you sweet sweet girl! Until we meet again..."I love my Hannah...She loves me too...I love my Hannah...In everything we do!!!!"
Friday, January 17, 2014
4 Years
On this day four years ago I made the hardest decision of my life...I let you go. Not a day goes by that I don't think about or imagine what we'd be doing if you were here. You would turn 13 this year. I came across some of your clothes the other day and my heart hurt because I remember how much joy shopping for you brought me. I miss it. I miss you Hannah. I miss all your quirky little sayings and the way everything had to have a routine. I miss singing all the way to school and all the way home. I miss doing letters, numbers, and matching games dozens of times a day. I miss having you under my feet while I'm cooking and singing Barney songs in between stirs. I wish I had done it more, or as you and I always said, "more more". You are so loved, and I hope you know it.
Dad is doing o.k. He misses you. He still plays his football games and calls his plays, all the while remembering the times you helped him out. He sings with the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus...you would love that! He's still your goofy old wonderful daddy who misses his girl every Saturday morning especially. He loves you.
Kyle is still the best big brother ever. He's lost a lot of weight and looks so handsome in his ROTC army uniform. He'll take world by storm one day and I have no doubt that the little sister he loves so much will fuel a lot of the change he will introduce to the world around him. It's exciting to watch him go after his dreams and goals. I can still hear you call his name and boss him around. LOL!
Zachary is such an amazing young man. I am loving watching him begin to express his heart. It's beautiful and some young lady is going to be one lucky woman some day. He's still hilarious, even when he tries not to be. He misses you I know. We all do.
Precious is still scurrying around. She's been diagnosed with cancer sadly and it can't be cured. We are treating it and she is managing. We'll all be so sad when she has to leave us. I can still see you scooting around the house following her everywhere she went.
Koolio is the biggest teddy bear Hannah. He misses you so much though. He gets excited when he sees something of yours and then just lays down and mopes for a little bit once he can't find you. It's sad, but makes me so happy that even Koolio loved you more than we could ever imagine.
Your momma is doing o.k. I'm happy which is something I thought would never happen after I lost you. I miss you like crazy though! This year started out kind of rough but I took a step back, regrouped, and got my self care back on track. It's improving greatly. I keep busy and you are an inspiration in so many of the things I do. Your strength, courage, and all that you taught me about what really matters in life fuel my work. Every time I sit across from a client I think of you and it makes me want to give them the best of me. I love my job and you are a big part of why I get to do what I do. I owe you so much Hannah. You were so much more than my little girl. You were my friend, teacher, motivation, and inspiration. I LOVE you, I MISS you, and I always will!
This year on Sept. 21st we will be hosting a walk for the Chelsea Hutchinson Foundation in your memory. We're all excited about it. It's going to be an amazing event with lots of people who love you or love someone that has been affected by epilepsy. This foundation helps parent's with things that give them a little peace of mind such as service dogs, seizure monitors, etc. I wish you were going to be there. I hope you've gotten to meet Chelsea. She sounds like a beautiful wonderful person. I'm so looking forward to this opportunity to remember you and help other families like ours! We need this.
I hope you are happy and enjoying all that heaven has to offer. I know it has to be wonderful because you and so many people I love are there. I wonder if you've met the other children who had Dravet syndrome or seizures. I imagine y'all talk about not having to wear cooling vests, helmets, or anxious parents hanging on your every movement. Oh how it must feel to be free from harsh medications, restrictions, and hospital and doctors. You guys are just such troopers when it comes to tolerating all that comes with having seizure disorders. Hannah, you still inspire us to be better people, to love greater, to hope more more, and to reach beyond obstacles, to always try, and never give up. I'm so grateful you are my little girl! I wish epilepsy hadn't taken you from me. I so wish you were still here. I will love you forever, and I will NEVER forget! All my love, Mommy
Dad is doing o.k. He misses you. He still plays his football games and calls his plays, all the while remembering the times you helped him out. He sings with the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus...you would love that! He's still your goofy old wonderful daddy who misses his girl every Saturday morning especially. He loves you.
Kyle is still the best big brother ever. He's lost a lot of weight and looks so handsome in his ROTC army uniform. He'll take world by storm one day and I have no doubt that the little sister he loves so much will fuel a lot of the change he will introduce to the world around him. It's exciting to watch him go after his dreams and goals. I can still hear you call his name and boss him around. LOL!
Zachary is such an amazing young man. I am loving watching him begin to express his heart. It's beautiful and some young lady is going to be one lucky woman some day. He's still hilarious, even when he tries not to be. He misses you I know. We all do.
Precious is still scurrying around. She's been diagnosed with cancer sadly and it can't be cured. We are treating it and she is managing. We'll all be so sad when she has to leave us. I can still see you scooting around the house following her everywhere she went.
Koolio is the biggest teddy bear Hannah. He misses you so much though. He gets excited when he sees something of yours and then just lays down and mopes for a little bit once he can't find you. It's sad, but makes me so happy that even Koolio loved you more than we could ever imagine.
Your momma is doing o.k. I'm happy which is something I thought would never happen after I lost you. I miss you like crazy though! This year started out kind of rough but I took a step back, regrouped, and got my self care back on track. It's improving greatly. I keep busy and you are an inspiration in so many of the things I do. Your strength, courage, and all that you taught me about what really matters in life fuel my work. Every time I sit across from a client I think of you and it makes me want to give them the best of me. I love my job and you are a big part of why I get to do what I do. I owe you so much Hannah. You were so much more than my little girl. You were my friend, teacher, motivation, and inspiration. I LOVE you, I MISS you, and I always will!
This year on Sept. 21st we will be hosting a walk for the Chelsea Hutchinson Foundation in your memory. We're all excited about it. It's going to be an amazing event with lots of people who love you or love someone that has been affected by epilepsy. This foundation helps parent's with things that give them a little peace of mind such as service dogs, seizure monitors, etc. I wish you were going to be there. I hope you've gotten to meet Chelsea. She sounds like a beautiful wonderful person. I'm so looking forward to this opportunity to remember you and help other families like ours! We need this.
I hope you are happy and enjoying all that heaven has to offer. I know it has to be wonderful because you and so many people I love are there. I wonder if you've met the other children who had Dravet syndrome or seizures. I imagine y'all talk about not having to wear cooling vests, helmets, or anxious parents hanging on your every movement. Oh how it must feel to be free from harsh medications, restrictions, and hospital and doctors. You guys are just such troopers when it comes to tolerating all that comes with having seizure disorders. Hannah, you still inspire us to be better people, to love greater, to hope more more, and to reach beyond obstacles, to always try, and never give up. I'm so grateful you are my little girl! I wish epilepsy hadn't taken you from me. I so wish you were still here. I will love you forever, and I will NEVER forget! All my love, Mommy
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Loss and 2014
Celebrating New Years is hard for me because with each passing year comes the anniversary of Hannah's death. On January 17th Hannah will have been gone 4 years. Can I just say that it feels like it's been an eternity since I held my precious girl and we laughed and played together. This holiday season has been one of tears for me. I haven't cried this much since her death. I'll be driving down the road and have to pull over as tears flood my eyes. Songs are really making me cry very easily. I watched a Garth Brooks special the other night and cried through the entire thing...and he was funny most of the time. It's the nostalgia or something. I just find myself really close to tears a lot lately. As hard as it was sometimes, I loved my life with Hannah. I loved that beautiful soul so very much. She inspired every minute of everyday. Some people don't understand that because all they see is the hardship, but in spite of the hardship we just had an incredibly beautiful life that can only be experienced in the midst of it. God was so very real and present to us every minute of every day. Hannah loved school and she was a teacher. She taught me so many lessons about life. I miss those lessons. They're hard to remember when she isn't here giving her refresher courses. She taught me how to fight, to stand up for what I thought and felt was right, to live in the moment, to play, to laugh, to dream, to hope, to believe in myself, to let others love me, and that it is o.k. to need help. She sure did, and I owe her so much for the life I'm able to live today. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for being happy. It's hard. Some mornings I just wake up and ask God to please grab her while she's running around up in heaven, squeeze her tight, kiss her forehead, and tell her that her mommy told Him to tell her that she loves her so very much, will never forget her, and thank her for being my little girl. I so hope she knows how much she was loved and is missed. That being said, I am happy, and that is something I would have never thought I could say. I have an incredible husband who loves me unconditionally and makes me laugh hysterically. I have two of the most wonderful young men as sons. I love their heart for others, and their dreams for their futures. I have been blessed with some amazing friends that keep me going when I think I can't go anymore. I have a fantastic job that I love with a boss that appreciates my crazy mind (most of the time). :-) I am a college student at 43 years of age pursuing a degree that will help me fulfill my dreams for future endeavors. On top of all that God has seen fit to allow me to work with organizations working with broken women and I love it. I'm blessed in the midst of great grief. Who would have thought? Not me. Can you be happy and sad at the same time....YES. As much as I hate crying and feeling blue, it's part of loving someone and losing them so I have to allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it. 2014 is on the horizon, and I've decided I'm just going to let it be. I'm going to cry and feel blue, but I'm also going to be happy. God has been so incredibly good to me in the midst of my grief and I am forever thankful. To my Hannah...thank you for being the amazingly beautiful person you were, and for loving your mommy. I will forever miss you, love you, and will NEVER forget you. I'm who I am today because you were part of my life. Thank you! To all of you...I hope your 2014 brings you the joy you all deserve. God Bless, and Happy New Year!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
November & Hannah
This morning I woke up thinking about Hannah. I sure
miss that girl! She was an incredible life force in the short years she
was with us. She touched people just being Hannah. It was so awesome
being her momma. So grateful to God for the precious gift of her life.
Not to make Hannah's life all about me, but I have to tell you that I honestly believe Hannah was a gift from God straight to me. I was in a very bad place when I found out I was carrying Hannah. She wasn't a planned baby, and although I wanted her the minute I knew she was conceived, I struggled greatly the entire pregnancy physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had worked my whole life to be good enough, to be what people wanted me to be, to hide my shame, and about the time I found out I was pregnant with Hannah everything seemed to be falling apart. I found myself super sick throughout my entire pregnancy, but was afraid to let anyone know it. In my mind every relationship I had was dependent on what I could do for them, so if they knew how sick I was then the relationship would end. A severe depression had set in. I was slowly and completely giving up on life, and embracing death.
The weekend of Hannah's birth was a whirlwind. My brother and his family was down for a visit. I was sick the entire time. I took a whole bottle of tums trying to relieve the pressure in my upper abdomen. I finally decided to call the doctor and he ordered me to the hospital immediately. When I got there I had severe eclampsia. I was immediately put on a monitor and vitals were taken every 30 minutes for the next two days. It was a weekend. My doctor came in on Monday morning and announced that she would have to take the baby. I was 27 weeks. She said that if they did not take the baby, we would both die. I opted to wait until the next day to have her so I could take steroid shots that would strengthen Hannah's lungs and give her a better chance of survival. It was a very miserable 24 hours until the delivery. I honestly thought Hannah and I both were going to die and I was ready. I was completely exhausted with life. My heart hurt for my boys but I was convinced they'd be better off without me. I was ready to go.
During the delivery I waited to hear her cry. The doctor had told us that if she cried it would be a good sign. I heard her cry and I cried. They took her over to a table to work on her, and announced that they had a feisty one on their hands. I smiled. A strength begin to build in me at that moment. I was afraid to get attached to her because I was still not sure she or I either one was going to live. Not long after leaving the hospital without her I sat on the side of my bed with an entire bottle of pain meds ready to take them all. I decided to call and check on her and got a good report from the nurses. I sat the bottle down thinking "Marcey, you're baby girl is fighting to live. You owe it to her to fight also." The next day I stood at her incubator promising to get help so I could be the best mom her and her brothers could have. I wasn't sure where the help would come from, but I was going to look for it. A journey of healing began that continues to this day. There have been many heartaches along the way, but I've held onto the hope that was born in me through Hannah.
And that is my life with Hannah in a nutshell. She continually inspired me, and still does. Hannah taught me to fight, to let people in, and that it was o.k. to need help. She reminded me that I love to learn, and gave me a reason to learn something new every single day. She taught me that melt downs are a necessary thing in life, and that as long as you get up and keep moving you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hannah taught me to live life in the moment, to celebrate the small things, and to appreciate everything. Hannah taught me to live well. Although I wish I could have had her longer, I am grateful to God for the gift of her life that I got to share. She's my angel and inspiration. I'll just keep missing her and never forget. If she meant anything to you, please do not forget. Live in her inspiration as I do. God Bless!
Not to make Hannah's life all about me, but I have to tell you that I honestly believe Hannah was a gift from God straight to me. I was in a very bad place when I found out I was carrying Hannah. She wasn't a planned baby, and although I wanted her the minute I knew she was conceived, I struggled greatly the entire pregnancy physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had worked my whole life to be good enough, to be what people wanted me to be, to hide my shame, and about the time I found out I was pregnant with Hannah everything seemed to be falling apart. I found myself super sick throughout my entire pregnancy, but was afraid to let anyone know it. In my mind every relationship I had was dependent on what I could do for them, so if they knew how sick I was then the relationship would end. A severe depression had set in. I was slowly and completely giving up on life, and embracing death.
The weekend of Hannah's birth was a whirlwind. My brother and his family was down for a visit. I was sick the entire time. I took a whole bottle of tums trying to relieve the pressure in my upper abdomen. I finally decided to call the doctor and he ordered me to the hospital immediately. When I got there I had severe eclampsia. I was immediately put on a monitor and vitals were taken every 30 minutes for the next two days. It was a weekend. My doctor came in on Monday morning and announced that she would have to take the baby. I was 27 weeks. She said that if they did not take the baby, we would both die. I opted to wait until the next day to have her so I could take steroid shots that would strengthen Hannah's lungs and give her a better chance of survival. It was a very miserable 24 hours until the delivery. I honestly thought Hannah and I both were going to die and I was ready. I was completely exhausted with life. My heart hurt for my boys but I was convinced they'd be better off without me. I was ready to go.
During the delivery I waited to hear her cry. The doctor had told us that if she cried it would be a good sign. I heard her cry and I cried. They took her over to a table to work on her, and announced that they had a feisty one on their hands. I smiled. A strength begin to build in me at that moment. I was afraid to get attached to her because I was still not sure she or I either one was going to live. Not long after leaving the hospital without her I sat on the side of my bed with an entire bottle of pain meds ready to take them all. I decided to call and check on her and got a good report from the nurses. I sat the bottle down thinking "Marcey, you're baby girl is fighting to live. You owe it to her to fight also." The next day I stood at her incubator promising to get help so I could be the best mom her and her brothers could have. I wasn't sure where the help would come from, but I was going to look for it. A journey of healing began that continues to this day. There have been many heartaches along the way, but I've held onto the hope that was born in me through Hannah.
And that is my life with Hannah in a nutshell. She continually inspired me, and still does. Hannah taught me to fight, to let people in, and that it was o.k. to need help. She reminded me that I love to learn, and gave me a reason to learn something new every single day. She taught me that melt downs are a necessary thing in life, and that as long as you get up and keep moving you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hannah taught me to live life in the moment, to celebrate the small things, and to appreciate everything. Hannah taught me to live well. Although I wish I could have had her longer, I am grateful to God for the gift of her life that I got to share. She's my angel and inspiration. I'll just keep missing her and never forget. If she meant anything to you, please do not forget. Live in her inspiration as I do. God Bless!
Hannah Gabrielle Chapman 5/30/2001 - 1/17/2010
November is
Epilepsy awareness month. It is super important that more attention and
funding is given to this illness. Too many families are losing their
children. I lost my angel girl to a status seizure. Her brain and
organs were damaged beyond repair and we had to say goodbye and watch as
she was removed from life support. Please help in any way you can to
bring awareness and support to the epilepsy community. Check out the
links to the right towards the bottom for places to help. Hannah story,
Chelsea Hutchison foundation, Dravet foundation, Idea League, Danny
Did, Purple day for epilepsy, and epilepsy foundation.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Spammers
I have had to change the settings to this site to only allow comments from registered users because it's been attacked lately with spammers. I know I don't post here much, but when I need to I come here and read about Hannah's life and remember it wasn't all just a dream. I hope to be able to keep this up for quite some time. Maybe I can figure out how to print it up and bind it together so I'll have it always. At any rate, I apologize if the ability to leave comments is inconvenient. I just can't risk this site being destroyed. God Bless!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Almost 12 (forgive the chaotic order of this post please! :-)
I really hate that I do not get to write here often. This blog is so very important to me. I'm grateful that I took the time to blog about things that would seem insignificant, because with Hannah gone not a single moment with her seems insignificant now. I can't tell you how comforting it is to get to go back and read over our last few years together. I LOVED being Hannah's mom. Even in the hardest of times she made life with her a joy.
The last few weeks have been very reflective for me. Several things have taken place...
I work with individuals who have disabilities on a daily basis and I love it. It's so much more than a job to me. It has its bad days, but the good ones outnumber the bad ones. Last week part of my job involved me taking a client into three life skills classrooms in three different schools. They call it life skills but it's academic and life skills rolled up in one. I call it "old school". :-) Two of the classrooms were classes Hannah actually attended. The third was the one she would currently be attending if she was still with us. I was a little worried about how this would affect me emotionally being so close to her 12th birthday. It really was good for me however. It felt great to be among people, and in places Hannah loved. I was reminded how loved Hannah was and continues to be. I'm grateful for the experience.
A beautiful little girl passed away from a status seizure last week. She had Dravet syndrome. I watched(through facebook) as her family wrestled with all the things we wrestled with before we had to say bye to Hannah. My heart broke for them and continues to. I couldn't help but think that maybe Hannah would meet her and show her the ropes. :-) Too many families losing their babies to seizures. :-( It's beyond hard.
I was feeling guilty because I didn't think I was doing enough to keep Hannah's memory alive. I haven't started a foundation, have only done small fund raisers for epilepsy awareness, and still haven't written that book I had planned to write. I had a dream that was so real. In my dream I was at a playground and kids were running around like crazy having the time of their life. I found myself desperately looking for Hannah and I couldn't find her in the crowd. I was incredibly sad and feeling like a huge failure. My head was tucked when I heard a familiar voice. It was Hannah. She ran up to me, wrapped her arms around my hips and said, "it's o.k. mommy", and then ran back to play. The "it's o.k. mommy" woke me out of a dead sleep. It was so very real. I wish I could adequately describe it. It just felt like Hannah was letting me off the hook.
So, those are just a few of the things that have taken place and made me really reflect, grieve, and celebrate my life with Hannah. She's been gone over 3 years now. So hard to believe.
On Saturday the boys, David, and I made a trip to the cemetery. Hannah would have been 12 this Thursday, the 30th. I always make a wreath for Hannah's birthday but this year I just haven't been in a place where I could. In February I had a serious episode with my esophagus and it threw me for a loop. I was pretty much useless for a couple of months. Then work got really busy, the semester was coming to a close, and finals were happening. With the stress from all of that, I had a flare up of CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome). Ugh! It was depressing. I am so blessed with wonderful friends though. My fantastic friend Shelley took care of getting a wreath for us to take to Hannah's grave. It was perfect. We usually release balloons for the number of years she would be old. This year I decided to buy four plain balloons, and we each wrote a message to Hannah on them, then released them. It felt right. See the photos below.
After the cemetery we were able to meet some dear friends from the hood for dinner. It was great to catch up with them. They were greatly used by God in our lives at the time of Hannah's passing and continue to bless our lives. Friends are priceless you know! We're so blessed!
Thank you all so much for loving our girl and for loving us! We wouldn't make it without the prayers and support of our friends. You've kept us going in some really hard times. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and remember that seizures do take lives! Precious beautiful boys and girls! Someone's baby! Love on a family when you hear their child has seizures and remember Hannah! All my Love! Marcey
The last few weeks have been very reflective for me. Several things have taken place...
I work with individuals who have disabilities on a daily basis and I love it. It's so much more than a job to me. It has its bad days, but the good ones outnumber the bad ones. Last week part of my job involved me taking a client into three life skills classrooms in three different schools. They call it life skills but it's academic and life skills rolled up in one. I call it "old school". :-) Two of the classrooms were classes Hannah actually attended. The third was the one she would currently be attending if she was still with us. I was a little worried about how this would affect me emotionally being so close to her 12th birthday. It really was good for me however. It felt great to be among people, and in places Hannah loved. I was reminded how loved Hannah was and continues to be. I'm grateful for the experience.
A beautiful little girl passed away from a status seizure last week. She had Dravet syndrome. I watched(through facebook) as her family wrestled with all the things we wrestled with before we had to say bye to Hannah. My heart broke for them and continues to. I couldn't help but think that maybe Hannah would meet her and show her the ropes. :-) Too many families losing their babies to seizures. :-( It's beyond hard.
I was feeling guilty because I didn't think I was doing enough to keep Hannah's memory alive. I haven't started a foundation, have only done small fund raisers for epilepsy awareness, and still haven't written that book I had planned to write. I had a dream that was so real. In my dream I was at a playground and kids were running around like crazy having the time of their life. I found myself desperately looking for Hannah and I couldn't find her in the crowd. I was incredibly sad and feeling like a huge failure. My head was tucked when I heard a familiar voice. It was Hannah. She ran up to me, wrapped her arms around my hips and said, "it's o.k. mommy", and then ran back to play. The "it's o.k. mommy" woke me out of a dead sleep. It was so very real. I wish I could adequately describe it. It just felt like Hannah was letting me off the hook.
So, those are just a few of the things that have taken place and made me really reflect, grieve, and celebrate my life with Hannah. She's been gone over 3 years now. So hard to believe.
On Saturday the boys, David, and I made a trip to the cemetery. Hannah would have been 12 this Thursday, the 30th. I always make a wreath for Hannah's birthday but this year I just haven't been in a place where I could. In February I had a serious episode with my esophagus and it threw me for a loop. I was pretty much useless for a couple of months. Then work got really busy, the semester was coming to a close, and finals were happening. With the stress from all of that, I had a flare up of CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome). Ugh! It was depressing. I am so blessed with wonderful friends though. My fantastic friend Shelley took care of getting a wreath for us to take to Hannah's grave. It was perfect. We usually release balloons for the number of years she would be old. This year I decided to buy four plain balloons, and we each wrote a message to Hannah on them, then released them. It felt right. See the photos below.
Thank you all so much for loving our girl and for loving us! We wouldn't make it without the prayers and support of our friends. You've kept us going in some really hard times. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and remember that seizures do take lives! Precious beautiful boys and girls! Someone's baby! Love on a family when you hear their child has seizures and remember Hannah! All my Love! Marcey
Friday, April 26, 2013
Kills me...
It is very painful that I have not had anything to post here in 8 months. I went through the holidays, the third anniversary of your passing, and now it's the end of another school year. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you beautiful girl. Mommy loves you and would give anything to be able to write about all you and I are experiencing together. I'll never forget...Love you forever!
Monday, August 27, 2012
School, Shoes, and sleeping farmers...
Tomorrow all the kids will be climbing out of bed, getting dressed, eating their favorite breakfast, and heading out to start a brand new school year. My heart will be heavy all day long and I'm sure tears will stream down my face more than once as I remember all the wonderful first days of school you and I had together.
There aren't words to express how much I miss shopping for shoes with you. You brought such joy to the shoe clerks faces as you walked in the store and proclaimed, "SHOOOOOOEEEEES!" with such admiration that only a true shoe fan could possibly understand. We always walked out with the cutest ones even if you didn't yet have anything to match them. I didn't even care that I would likely spend most school day mornings fighting you on which pair to wear, because you'd almost always pick a pair that did not go with the outfit you had picked for the day. I learned to give in and let you wear what you wanted. One thing you taught me during our short time together is what really matters, and matching shoes and outfits just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. With all you'd endured and survived you had earned your right to choose and be you.(quirky style and all) None of your outfits were ever hideously mismatched anyway. It was o.k. and you were fun. I think you'd be proud. I just ordered a new pair of athletic shoes and they are purple, silver, and black. I often think of you and imagine what your choice would have been had you been with me. I think you'd have wanted a pair yourself. LOL! I hope they have shoe stores in heaven and you get to visit them often.
Tomorrow the boys go back to school. I know they miss their beautiful sister. Daddy misses his princess. You were/are so loved Hannah. We all just really struggle with not having you here. Would give anything to hear your voice, feel your arms around our necks, and just see your precious face.
I wish you were here so I could read your favorite book...."the horse said, "naaaaaaa, I want some hey! but the farmer didn't wake up!" I'll never forget you angel. Not ever. You were such a blessing to my life. You'll never be forgotten. Never ever ever.
If tomorrow is the first day of school in heaven, I hope it is the best day ever. I love sweet girl.
Always and forever.
Mom
There aren't words to express how much I miss shopping for shoes with you. You brought such joy to the shoe clerks faces as you walked in the store and proclaimed, "SHOOOOOOEEEEES!" with such admiration that only a true shoe fan could possibly understand. We always walked out with the cutest ones even if you didn't yet have anything to match them. I didn't even care that I would likely spend most school day mornings fighting you on which pair to wear, because you'd almost always pick a pair that did not go with the outfit you had picked for the day. I learned to give in and let you wear what you wanted. One thing you taught me during our short time together is what really matters, and matching shoes and outfits just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. With all you'd endured and survived you had earned your right to choose and be you.(quirky style and all) None of your outfits were ever hideously mismatched anyway. It was o.k. and you were fun. I think you'd be proud. I just ordered a new pair of athletic shoes and they are purple, silver, and black. I often think of you and imagine what your choice would have been had you been with me. I think you'd have wanted a pair yourself. LOL! I hope they have shoe stores in heaven and you get to visit them often.
Tomorrow the boys go back to school. I know they miss their beautiful sister. Daddy misses his princess. You were/are so loved Hannah. We all just really struggle with not having you here. Would give anything to hear your voice, feel your arms around our necks, and just see your precious face.
I wish you were here so I could read your favorite book...."the horse said, "naaaaaaa, I want some hey! but the farmer didn't wake up!" I'll never forget you angel. Not ever. You were such a blessing to my life. You'll never be forgotten. Never ever ever.
If tomorrow is the first day of school in heaven, I hope it is the best day ever. I love sweet girl.
Always and forever.
Mom
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| Attendance 2010 (Week before she past away) |
Hannah at Field Day. She had a blast! May 2009
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