4 Years

On this day four years ago I made the hardest decision of my life...I let you go.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about or imagine what we'd be doing if you were here.  You would turn 13 this year.  I came across some of your clothes the other day and my heart hurt because I remember how much joy shopping for you brought me.  I miss it.  I miss you Hannah.  I miss all your quirky little sayings and the way everything had to have a routine.  I miss singing all the way to school and all the way home.  I miss doing letters, numbers, and matching games dozens of times a day.  I miss having you under my feet while I'm cooking and singing Barney songs in between stirs.  I wish I had done it more, or as you and I always said, "more more".  You are so loved, and I hope you know it.

Dad is doing o.k.  He misses you.  He still plays his football games and calls his plays, all the while remembering the times you helped him out.  He sings with the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus...you would love that!  He's still your goofy old wonderful daddy who misses his girl every Saturday morning especially.  He loves you.

Kyle is still the best big brother ever.  He's lost a lot of weight and looks so handsome in his ROTC army uniform.  He'll take world by storm one day and I have no doubt that the little sister he loves so much will fuel a lot of the change he will introduce to the world around him.  It's exciting to watch him go after his dreams and goals.  I can still hear you call his name and boss him around. LOL!

Zachary is such an amazing young man.  I am loving watching him begin to express his heart.  It's beautiful and some young lady is going to be one lucky woman some day.  He's still hilarious, even when he tries not to be.  He misses you I know.  We all do.

Precious is still scurrying around.  She's been diagnosed with cancer sadly and it can't be cured.  We are treating it and she is managing.  We'll all be so sad when she has to leave us.  I can still see you scooting around the house following her everywhere she went.

Koolio is the biggest teddy bear Hannah.  He misses you so much though.  He gets excited when he sees something of yours and then just lays down and mopes for a little bit once he can't find you.  It's sad, but makes me so happy that even Koolio loved you more than we could ever imagine. 

Your momma is doing o.k.  I'm happy which is something I thought would never happen after I lost you.  I miss you like crazy though!  This year started out kind of rough but I took a step back, regrouped, and got my self care back on track.  It's improving greatly.  I keep busy and you are an inspiration in so many of the things I do.  Your strength, courage, and all that you taught me about what really matters in life fuel my work.  Every time I sit across from a client I think of you and it makes me want to give them the best of me.  I love my job and you are a big part of why I get to do what I do.  I owe you so much Hannah.  You were so much more than my little girl.  You were my friend, teacher, motivation, and inspiration.  I LOVE you, I MISS you, and I always will!

This year on Sept. 21st we will be hosting a walk for the Chelsea Hutchinson Foundation in your memory.  We're all excited about it.  It's going to be an amazing event with lots of people who love you or love someone that has been affected by epilepsy.  This foundation helps parent's with things that give them a little peace of mind such as service dogs, seizure monitors, etc.  I wish you were going to be there.  I hope you've gotten to meet Chelsea.  She sounds like a beautiful wonderful person.  I'm so looking forward to this opportunity to remember you and help other families like ours!   We need this.

I hope you are happy and enjoying all that heaven has to offer.  I know it has to be wonderful because you and so many people I love are there.  I wonder if  you've met the other children who had Dravet syndrome or seizures.  I imagine y'all talk about not having to wear cooling vests, helmets, or anxious parents hanging on your every movement.  Oh how it must feel to be free from harsh medications, restrictions, and hospital and doctors.  You guys are just such troopers when it comes to tolerating all that comes with having seizure disorders.  Hannah, you still inspire us to be better people, to love greater, to hope more more, and to reach beyond obstacles, to always try, and never give up.  I'm so grateful you are my little girl!  I wish epilepsy hadn't taken you from me.  I so wish you were still here.  I  will love you forever, and I will NEVER forget!  All my love, Mommy