Sunday, January 23, 2011
Good bye's and Hello's
My brother and sisters said our final good bye's to our dad last night. When I left him he had Hannah's names on his lips. She enjoyed playing with pawpaw's beard. LOL! I said good bye, but Hannah is saying hello. RIP dad. No more suffering.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Have we lived a year without you?
Dear Hannah,
It's been a year today since I held you and sang "I love my Hannah, she loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do" as you left left my arms and went into the arms of your Jesus. The very fact that you persoanlized Jesus as yours, is more precious to me everyday. He is your Jesus Hannah. He always was.
The last few days have been a time of missing you intensely and reflecting on our life with you and without you. I would have never dreamed I'd survive the year without you. It's been very difficult. There have been miles of tears. Some days I literally feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and shatter into a million pieces. Losing you is a hurt that will never leave me. I loved you so much.
I found your flashcards and the indian hat you made at school for Thanksgiving. I put your hat on my head, sat on our bed, and longed to call to you, "Hannah, let's do numbers!" You called all your cards numbers whether they were words, letters, or really numbers. I remember we had to do "numbers" and then "matching" and we did that over and over many times each day. You were so smart! I had to make sure I mixed the cards up each time, because you'd memorize the order the first time we went through them, and tell me what they were without even looking at them. LOL! Those were some precious times to me. Some times I'll cherish forever.
The boys reminded me yesterday how you would fake burp and then say "excuse me". I dressed you like a little lady but other than loving shoes and beads you weren't much for girly things. I was so excited when you decided to like one of your baby dolls, and out of all the dolls you could have chosen, you chose the ugly bathtub baby. LOL! You were a hoot! Unconventional in so many ways, that made you uniquely you, and we loved you with all our hearts.
I could easily go on forever about all the things you did. Every one of us have stories of what they remember about you, and the special, funny, things you did. You affected everyone in ways no other person could. We're all so grateful to have known and loved you.
Personally Hannah I think you were a gift sent straight from heaven to your momma and everyone else just got to reap the benefits of the gift. Loving you and caring for you activated all those things in me that somehow, through the years, just got lost. My self esteem, my confidence in my abilities, my love for writing, my love for learning, my love for people, my faith in people, my faith in God...the list could go on and on. My life became so rich during the years I had you, and even since. Because of you, I met incredible people who have been a huge influence in my life, and who have been so instrumental in helping me get through this year without you. Having had you is what qualifies me to work where I work now. It's because I had you that I am going back to school to do what was always in my heart to do. You helped build my confidence, and you helped me find my voice. You gave me reason to write and learn again. Because you lived and touched so many lives, my love for people was discovered, and my faith in people restored. It was through watching your life, and seeing your response to all that came you way, that my Faith in God was challenged and restored. Yes, dear beautiful girl, you were a gift. I wish you had been a gift I could have physically had with me forever, but oh how thankful I am that you were with me for the 8 wonderful years I had you. I feel so incredibly blessed.
So, as I set here this morning with messages from all that loved you pouring in, telling me that they are remembering you and praying for me, I have tears rolling down my cheeks, but with a smile on my face. There are both tears of sadness and gratitude. I miss you more than I can ever express. I wish you were here with me. I long to hear your beautiful voice and touch your precious face. One thing I know is that I will get to again. You will one day take my hand and show me heaven, and I will long for that day until it is here. I am patiently waiting. In the meantime, I am grateful. I'm grateful for all that you have meant to the people who knew you and even some that did not know you. I am just grateful. Sad....but oh so grateful. You will forever be remembered and loved. Never Forgotten...
All My Love,
Mommy
To all the people who love my girl....thank you. Thank you first of all for loving her. Thank you for standing by us, holding us up with prayer and support. Please continue to pray and support us. We can't do this without you. Finally, don't ever forget her. Ttalk about her...tell your Hannah stories...laugh...smile....even fake burp and say excuse me in a froggy voice...Just remember. Never forget.
It's been a year today since I held you and sang "I love my Hannah, she loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do" as you left left my arms and went into the arms of your Jesus. The very fact that you persoanlized Jesus as yours, is more precious to me everyday. He is your Jesus Hannah. He always was.
The last few days have been a time of missing you intensely and reflecting on our life with you and without you. I would have never dreamed I'd survive the year without you. It's been very difficult. There have been miles of tears. Some days I literally feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and shatter into a million pieces. Losing you is a hurt that will never leave me. I loved you so much.
I found your flashcards and the indian hat you made at school for Thanksgiving. I put your hat on my head, sat on our bed, and longed to call to you, "Hannah, let's do numbers!" You called all your cards numbers whether they were words, letters, or really numbers. I remember we had to do "numbers" and then "matching" and we did that over and over many times each day. You were so smart! I had to make sure I mixed the cards up each time, because you'd memorize the order the first time we went through them, and tell me what they were without even looking at them. LOL! Those were some precious times to me. Some times I'll cherish forever.
The boys reminded me yesterday how you would fake burp and then say "excuse me". I dressed you like a little lady but other than loving shoes and beads you weren't much for girly things. I was so excited when you decided to like one of your baby dolls, and out of all the dolls you could have chosen, you chose the ugly bathtub baby. LOL! You were a hoot! Unconventional in so many ways, that made you uniquely you, and we loved you with all our hearts.
I could easily go on forever about all the things you did. Every one of us have stories of what they remember about you, and the special, funny, things you did. You affected everyone in ways no other person could. We're all so grateful to have known and loved you.
Personally Hannah I think you were a gift sent straight from heaven to your momma and everyone else just got to reap the benefits of the gift. Loving you and caring for you activated all those things in me that somehow, through the years, just got lost. My self esteem, my confidence in my abilities, my love for writing, my love for learning, my love for people, my faith in people, my faith in God...the list could go on and on. My life became so rich during the years I had you, and even since. Because of you, I met incredible people who have been a huge influence in my life, and who have been so instrumental in helping me get through this year without you. Having had you is what qualifies me to work where I work now. It's because I had you that I am going back to school to do what was always in my heart to do. You helped build my confidence, and you helped me find my voice. You gave me reason to write and learn again. Because you lived and touched so many lives, my love for people was discovered, and my faith in people restored. It was through watching your life, and seeing your response to all that came you way, that my Faith in God was challenged and restored. Yes, dear beautiful girl, you were a gift. I wish you had been a gift I could have physically had with me forever, but oh how thankful I am that you were with me for the 8 wonderful years I had you. I feel so incredibly blessed.
So, as I set here this morning with messages from all that loved you pouring in, telling me that they are remembering you and praying for me, I have tears rolling down my cheeks, but with a smile on my face. There are both tears of sadness and gratitude. I miss you more than I can ever express. I wish you were here with me. I long to hear your beautiful voice and touch your precious face. One thing I know is that I will get to again. You will one day take my hand and show me heaven, and I will long for that day until it is here. I am patiently waiting. In the meantime, I am grateful. I'm grateful for all that you have meant to the people who knew you and even some that did not know you. I am just grateful. Sad....but oh so grateful. You will forever be remembered and loved. Never Forgotten...
All My Love,
Mommy
To all the people who love my girl....thank you. Thank you first of all for loving her. Thank you for standing by us, holding us up with prayer and support. Please continue to pray and support us. We can't do this without you. Finally, don't ever forget her. Ttalk about her...tell your Hannah stories...laugh...smile....even fake burp and say excuse me in a froggy voice...Just remember. Never forget.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hailey
I am writing this here because I know that Hannah's friends were the most powerful prayer warriors ever for her. A little girl named Hailey has been in the hospital with seizures since before Christmas. She went into status yesterday and is still in status today. Status in the epilepsy world means a nonstop or continuous seizure. It is very dangerous. It is what took Hannah's life. Please pray for Hailey and her family. Her mom's name is Tami. We need a miracle for this little girl.
It's a little ironic that a year ago today I was requesting prayer for my own little girl who was in status. Oh, how I hope and pray that Hailey gets to go home with her mommy. We miss Hanah terribly and no mother should experience that kind of loss. God's provided strength, courage, hope, and renewed faith in this last year but the almost unbearable hurt of a life without Hannah is always present. She will forever be missed and we have a huge hole in our lives that can never be filled.
Thanks for the prayers and support. We love y'all!
It's a little ironic that a year ago today I was requesting prayer for my own little girl who was in status. Oh, how I hope and pray that Hailey gets to go home with her mommy. We miss Hanah terribly and no mother should experience that kind of loss. God's provided strength, courage, hope, and renewed faith in this last year but the almost unbearable hurt of a life without Hannah is always present. She will forever be missed and we have a huge hole in our lives that can never be filled.
Thanks for the prayers and support. We love y'all!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year 2011
Dear Hannah, I can't believe I'm going to start a new year without you. I miss you and I miss all the fun times we had so much. I'm not sure what life is supposed to look like without you here with me. I know you're always here, but it's hard without your physical presence. I'm still pretty lost although God seems to light my path just enough for the next step, and for that I'm thankful. I can't wait to be with you again. It's not my time yet, so I am waiting. We know how good I am at that! Please know precious girl that your missed and loved more than can ever be expressed. I will never forget and I won't allow the world to either. Thanks for all you've meant to me and continue to mean. For the past 9 years my New Years wish and prayer has always been the same...that you'd have a seizure free life. You're seizure free now, but my wish and prayer remains, not for you, but for all the other kiddos out there like you. May their parents know a day where life is seizure free, and may no more children leave their mommy's too early. Happy New Year sweet girl! Love Always! Mommy
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas Hannah
It's nearly unbearable without you today but I just keep reminding myself that your Christmas this year is better than any we could have ever provided for you. I told your daddy that I'd give anything just to go back to last Christmas and stay there. It was just so beautiful and magical. I loved the time I had to spend with you and all the fun we had together. You were so much like your daddy. Kept us laughing all the time. I'm often told you got your strength from me, but I don't know. I think you inspired me to be strong. You inspired me to live. When I think I can't go on I often think about how you lived in the midst of great obstacles and it leaves me excuseless. I miss you terribly. Words cannot express how much I miss you and wish I could hold you in my arms. We're o.k. though. We're making it. All the people that loved you continue to love us and support us. Thank you for being the best daughter a mother could ever have! I will love you always and will never forget baby! Never! Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sponge Bob Christmas
I wanted to put something SpongeBob related on Hannah's grave. I threw this wreath together
and was glad to have it. I miss my girl more than I can ever express right now.
Merry Christmas Hannah! I love and miss you my precious girl!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Christmas Memorial Service
Our church's greif share department had a Christmas memorial service in the chapel Thursday night. They said to bring an ornament that represented our loved one. David and I went shopping and was unable to find anything. I was pretty disappointed and bummed. A sweet lady we went to church with in Hillsboro asked her daughter to look while she was out shopping and she found one. It's a sponge bob ornament. Sponge Bob is all tangled up in Christmas lights. It was perfect. I'm wishing I had taken a picture of it now and still may when they move the trees into the welcome center.
We really didn't know what to expect from the service but it was nice. We cried, laughed, and then cried again. The pastor spoke to us and talked about Jesus being the light and how death doesn't win. Our seperation from our loved ones is not eternal. We will see and be with them again. All because Christ defeated death. It was a powerful reminder that we will be with Hannah again. I will wrap my arms around her and and kiss that beautiful forehead again. That's comforting.
After he spoke we each went to the front and hung our ornament on one of the three trees there. Most of the peole hung photos of their loved ones or an angel type ornament on the trees. Ours was the only cartoon character. LOL! So, when they move the trees to the welcome center it should be an interesting sight. SpongeBob is in the church house y'all! Hannah would love it! :<)
The holiday's are terribly hard without her. I find myself crying tears often and everywhere I look I see things that she would love. Around the corner from us is a blow up Sleigh that has Eyore, Pooh, and Tigger on it. I can't help but imagine I'd have to take that route home everyday had she been here. It hurts your heart. It's a hurt that is indescribable. Still, we just breathe and take the next step in the day.
I think the boys are struggling hugely with this holiday thing. It's hard enough that nanna isn't here. Nanna loved Christmas and she lived with us the last 8 years of her life. She'd get that fat JCPenney catalog every year and the boys would sit and look at it and tell her what they wanted. Then this is the first year without Hannah and I think the boys had as much fun helping her enjoy Christmas as they did themselves. It's different this year. New for us. We just don't know what to do with ourselves because everything we've always done is not doable.
The one thing that doesn't change is the reason for this season. JESUS. It is in him we have hope and it's because of him we'll all be together again some day. For that I am eternally grateful. I miss my Hannah but one day I'll see her again. All because a baby was born, grew up and died on a cross for my sin, and rose again defeating hell and the grave. Halelujah!
Love you all! Thanks for the continued prayer and support. It means the world to me!
We really didn't know what to expect from the service but it was nice. We cried, laughed, and then cried again. The pastor spoke to us and talked about Jesus being the light and how death doesn't win. Our seperation from our loved ones is not eternal. We will see and be with them again. All because Christ defeated death. It was a powerful reminder that we will be with Hannah again. I will wrap my arms around her and and kiss that beautiful forehead again. That's comforting.
After he spoke we each went to the front and hung our ornament on one of the three trees there. Most of the peole hung photos of their loved ones or an angel type ornament on the trees. Ours was the only cartoon character. LOL! So, when they move the trees to the welcome center it should be an interesting sight. SpongeBob is in the church house y'all! Hannah would love it! :<)
The holiday's are terribly hard without her. I find myself crying tears often and everywhere I look I see things that she would love. Around the corner from us is a blow up Sleigh that has Eyore, Pooh, and Tigger on it. I can't help but imagine I'd have to take that route home everyday had she been here. It hurts your heart. It's a hurt that is indescribable. Still, we just breathe and take the next step in the day.
I think the boys are struggling hugely with this holiday thing. It's hard enough that nanna isn't here. Nanna loved Christmas and she lived with us the last 8 years of her life. She'd get that fat JCPenney catalog every year and the boys would sit and look at it and tell her what they wanted. Then this is the first year without Hannah and I think the boys had as much fun helping her enjoy Christmas as they did themselves. It's different this year. New for us. We just don't know what to do with ourselves because everything we've always done is not doable.
The one thing that doesn't change is the reason for this season. JESUS. It is in him we have hope and it's because of him we'll all be together again some day. For that I am eternally grateful. I miss my Hannah but one day I'll see her again. All because a baby was born, grew up and died on a cross for my sin, and rose again defeating hell and the grave. Halelujah!
Love you all! Thanks for the continued prayer and support. It means the world to me!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
What I'm missing...
I'm finding more and more things I'm missing about Hannah as I get ready for Thanksgiving. I'm really missing having her under my feet with all the chatter. I miss her playing in my sink giving the dishes bubble baths, I miss her saying over and over, "it's hot, very hot, yes, it is!" She'd also tell me everytime I walked out of the kitchen..."it's time to cook dinner!" and would say it until I went back into the kitchen. I so miss having to stop between tasks or in the middle of tasks and having to do the dino dance or have a time of worship singing, "I'll Fly Away or You Deserve the Glory". I just miss this girl so very much and wish she were with us. As I let Kyle out at work A woman was walking out with her little girl and she had on those little play shoes. It stabbed me right in the heart. Hannah loved those shoes. Clomp, clomp, clomp all over the house. I miss my baby. Love you Hannah! Always!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thanksgiving
I'm thankful. What I'm thankful for has changed somewhat, in a way, well, not really.
Last year I was thankful for seizure free days and the way Hannah's world had been opening up. She was having an incredible year developmentally. I thanked God every morning when I woke her up for one more day with my girl. I remember that I must have said it so much that she started saying it for me..."Thank you Lord for another day with my Hannah!" It was so adorable and the fact that she spoke in third person made it just precious.
This year as I reflect on the year I find myself still thankful that my girl is seizure free, free from sickness, free from the pain of needles, free of the limitations of autism. Everything I wanted for her here she is experiencing in heaven. I'm so very thankful for the nearly 9 years I had her in my life and for everything that her life meant to me. I will never be the same person I was before Hannah. She taught me some powerful lessons that changed my life forever. I just feel so incredibly grateful that I had the privilege of being this amazing girl's mom.
Thank you God for allowing me the time you did with our precious Hannah.. Thank you for holding us up and sending people into our lives to help us keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are eternally grateful for your love and care. Take good care of our girl. Give her a hug and kiss from me and could you sing our Turkey song with her, (sang to the tune of Frere Jacques) "Mr. Turkey...Mr. Turkey...Big and Fat...Big and Fat...I am going to eat you...I am going to eat you...just like that...just like that. (then make smacking gulping sounds). Tell her Happy Thanksgiving and we miss her!
Thanks to all my friends and family for continuing to love us even in the middle of great change in our lives. Your love and support mean the world to us. All my love, Marcey
Last year I was thankful for seizure free days and the way Hannah's world had been opening up. She was having an incredible year developmentally. I thanked God every morning when I woke her up for one more day with my girl. I remember that I must have said it so much that she started saying it for me..."Thank you Lord for another day with my Hannah!" It was so adorable and the fact that she spoke in third person made it just precious.
This year as I reflect on the year I find myself still thankful that my girl is seizure free, free from sickness, free from the pain of needles, free of the limitations of autism. Everything I wanted for her here she is experiencing in heaven. I'm so very thankful for the nearly 9 years I had her in my life and for everything that her life meant to me. I will never be the same person I was before Hannah. She taught me some powerful lessons that changed my life forever. I just feel so incredibly grateful that I had the privilege of being this amazing girl's mom.
Thank you God for allowing me the time you did with our precious Hannah.. Thank you for holding us up and sending people into our lives to help us keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are eternally grateful for your love and care. Take good care of our girl. Give her a hug and kiss from me and could you sing our Turkey song with her, (sang to the tune of Frere Jacques) "Mr. Turkey...Mr. Turkey...Big and Fat...Big and Fat...I am going to eat you...I am going to eat you...just like that...just like that. (then make smacking gulping sounds). Tell her Happy Thanksgiving and we miss her!
Thanks to all my friends and family for continuing to love us even in the middle of great change in our lives. Your love and support mean the world to us. All my love, Marcey
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sunshine
You are my sunshine...my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray...you never know dear how much I love you...so please don't take my sunshine away...
Hannah and I would sing this song daily. I loved the sweet way she said the words. Precious moments I'll never forget. Never. I can't tell you the number of times I'd sing the last phrase of that song with tears in my eyes. Something in me, although I wouldn't admit it, knew I'd not always have my girl with me. I'm thankful for all the time I spent with my girl and all the fun we had. I do however wish I had spent more time and we'd have had more fun. I keep replaying the last couple months with Hannah in my mind and I can tell you that I'm extremely thankful for the prompting that I believe God gave me to put down what I was doing and spend time with Hannah. So many times she'd come in the middle of me doing something and I'd want to put her off only to feel a quickening that I do not know if I'll have tomorrow. I'd put everything down and spend some precious moments with my girl. Moments I'll forever cherish. I know it probably sounds strange to some, but it is what happened to me and I believe God gave me a gift in the quickenings. Time is truly a gift. I'm grateful.
Hannah's bench is done and dedicated. It is beautiful and it's perfect. It is a project that I'm so glad we did and I'm so incredibly thankful for the artist; Linda Solby, Harwood, and HISD for making it a possibility. I started putting the bench project together in March of this year only months after Hannah's passing. It was fun and fulfilling to see it through. Hannah's teacher put together the unveiling and she did an incredible job. It was all just perfect. The day after the unveiling I did not get out of bed or my PJ's until after 2 p.m. I found myself grieving and feeling like I had done the last tangible thing I could do for Hannah on this earth. It was a tough day. Those come and go and I'm learning to go with the eb and flow of things. Not easy but it's my reality and I am learning.
The holiday season is upon us and I have found myself wanting to throw a hissy fit and ban it this year. I don't want to do Christmas without my girl. Another part of me can't help but remember the beautiful and wonderful last Christmas we had with Hannah. I am trusting God to get me through in whatever manner he sees fit because I sure don't have a clue how to do it. I'm thanking God that He has a plan and works things in such a way that only He can do. I"m confident we'll get through the next couple of months(Thanksgiving through the one year anniversary of Hannah's death) with the same grace and mercy that has lead us through the past 10 months. He's faithful.
We're all doing o.k. and I know that's in huge part to all the prayers and support from our friends and family. Thank you!
Hannah and I would sing this song daily. I loved the sweet way she said the words. Precious moments I'll never forget. Never. I can't tell you the number of times I'd sing the last phrase of that song with tears in my eyes. Something in me, although I wouldn't admit it, knew I'd not always have my girl with me. I'm thankful for all the time I spent with my girl and all the fun we had. I do however wish I had spent more time and we'd have had more fun. I keep replaying the last couple months with Hannah in my mind and I can tell you that I'm extremely thankful for the prompting that I believe God gave me to put down what I was doing and spend time with Hannah. So many times she'd come in the middle of me doing something and I'd want to put her off only to feel a quickening that I do not know if I'll have tomorrow. I'd put everything down and spend some precious moments with my girl. Moments I'll forever cherish. I know it probably sounds strange to some, but it is what happened to me and I believe God gave me a gift in the quickenings. Time is truly a gift. I'm grateful.
Hannah's bench is done and dedicated. It is beautiful and it's perfect. It is a project that I'm so glad we did and I'm so incredibly thankful for the artist; Linda Solby, Harwood, and HISD for making it a possibility. I started putting the bench project together in March of this year only months after Hannah's passing. It was fun and fulfilling to see it through. Hannah's teacher put together the unveiling and she did an incredible job. It was all just perfect. The day after the unveiling I did not get out of bed or my PJ's until after 2 p.m. I found myself grieving and feeling like I had done the last tangible thing I could do for Hannah on this earth. It was a tough day. Those come and go and I'm learning to go with the eb and flow of things. Not easy but it's my reality and I am learning.
The holiday season is upon us and I have found myself wanting to throw a hissy fit and ban it this year. I don't want to do Christmas without my girl. Another part of me can't help but remember the beautiful and wonderful last Christmas we had with Hannah. I am trusting God to get me through in whatever manner he sees fit because I sure don't have a clue how to do it. I'm thanking God that He has a plan and works things in such a way that only He can do. I"m confident we'll get through the next couple of months(Thanksgiving through the one year anniversary of Hannah's death) with the same grace and mercy that has lead us through the past 10 months. He's faithful.
We're all doing o.k. and I know that's in huge part to all the prayers and support from our friends and family. Thank you!
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