Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas 2014

It's Christmas Eve and daddy is playing the Christmas music as he piddles around the house.  You'd be so excited today.  Aunt Rhonda and all the girls are coming to the house to spend the night.  Koolio will be in heaven.  I've got a lot of cooking to do, and I'm so going to miss your tapping feet in the kitchen as I do it.  If I close my eyes I can still see us singing, dancing, and giving my dishes bubble baths.  There is sure to be tons of dishes today!  My sweet Hannah I so miss you.  Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you.  I try hard not to get sad, but it's just way hard because I love you so much!   It feels like an eternity since I kissed that sweet forehead.

This year I lost someone that I hope you got to meet.  You actually did meet her once a long time ago when you were just about a month old.  She's Emily's grandma.  Remember Emily?  She was your "bestie" when you were in NICU.  LOL!  I sure wish you could have met Emily outside of NICU.  Anyway, after you passed away Emily's grandma Kay contacted me about a job.  It was really a lifesaver.  I was so lost without you.  She was the neatest person Hannah.  Kay passed away this year and left a big hole in my world.  I so hope you guys have met.  She's a lot of fun.  Her and nanna would be quite a pair.  Speaking of Nanna, God I miss her too!  That seems to be the theme for me this time of year.  I just find myself missing so many people that meant the world to me.  Sometimes I just think about how grand it will be to see all of you again someday and I'm so grateful for the hope that I will get to!  I can't imagine living without that hope.  It just feels like heaven is so far away and that makes it hard.

Another Christmas without you.  Another year of living without you.  There was a time I did not think I could do that, but I have.  I let you inspire me...motivate me.  You are with me every minute of everyday, in everything I do.  I remain forever grateful for your life and love.  I look forward to celebrating Christmas this year and remembering that last Christmas with you.  What a gift that was!  God has really blessed us with tremendous friends Hannah.  Some never even met you but they love you!  It's incredible and I'm thankful.  I love our friends!  I can only imagine the grandness of the love you are surrounded in.  Heaven has to be a beautiful many precious loved ones there that I hope you get to meet.  I sure wish heaven weren't so far away!   Merry Christmas my beautiful girl!  Mommy loves and misses you so much!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

STOMP Texas 2014

On Sept. 20th we will be doing a 5k in Arlington in memory of Hannah at Fish Creek Park.  It is the first and we are super excited. If you can join us, please do.  Here are the links to join the 5k or to make a donation to Hannah's team.

To Register...

To Donate...

Friday, May 30, 2014

It's your Birthday!

Wow!  You would have been 13 years old today!  So hard to believe.  We miss you so much Hannah.  As I type this I can hear daddy's music blaring...He's playing all y'alls songs.  :-) 

Last night I tried to imagine what you'd be like at 13 and what we'd be doing.  It saddened me how difficult it was.  I'll never know, but I have my imagination and I imagine you would be wonderful.  You were wonderful.  You were so great Hannah.  You made everyone laugh all the time with things you did.  We can't go through a football season without talking about how you'd streak all of us while we were watching the cowboys.  The boys would holler and you'd giggle.  It was great!  Then there was how you always wanted to give my dirty dishes bubble baths.  I can not stand at my sink without thinking about how much fun we had in the kitchen together.  Thank you.  You loved people and being around them.  Something happened when you entered a room that I have yet been able to explain.  You touched people at their core.  At their heart.  You made them forget all their troubles if only for just a little bit, and you inspired them to push forward whatever they were facing.  You loved life and I'm so glad you did.  I didn't understand it at the could you love life so much when you experienced so much pain?  I get it now Hannah, and I'm so grateful you were there to show me it can be done.  Yes, you were wonderful!

I know you are getting lots of hugs and kisses on the forehead because I ask God regularly to grab you up while you're running around up there and give them to you for me.  I can't wait for the day I can give them to you again myself.  I was thinking the other day about how you came into our lives.  I had two little boys and was done having children I thought.  Zachary comes to his dad and I and asks for a little sister.  He said, "I want a little sister."  Dad and I both were taken back and tried to explain how that wouldn't happen.  His response was, "I'll just pray to Jesus.  Jesus gives me what I want!"  We laughed but Zach prayed, and Jesus did give him what he wanted. :-)  I'm so glad!  I can't imagine a life without the experience of you in it.  You were such a gift from God to all of us.  Especially your momma Hannah.  You'll never know what your life did for me.  Before you came along I had no fight left in me.  I was just existing and trying to survive each day.  Then you showed up and gave me a reason to fight.  Not only that but you modeled for me how life can be enjoyed and loved in the midst of great pain.  You were an angel to this momma Hannah and I'll never forget you or what you've meant to my life.  Thank you!

Hannah thank you for being you!  I wish we could have had you with us much much longer.  I wish you were here for us to go shoe shopping and have a party.  I wish...well, I wish you were just here.  You're not though, but I carry you with me in everything I do.  Every client I see, every work out I do, every song I sing, are part of everything I do.  I'll never forget!  I love you sweet sweet girl!  Until we meet again..."I love my Hannah...She loves me too...I love my Hannah...In everything we do!!!!"    

Friday, January 17, 2014

4 Years

On this day four years ago I made the hardest decision of my life...I let you go.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about or imagine what we'd be doing if you were here.  You would turn 13 this year.  I came across some of your clothes the other day and my heart hurt because I remember how much joy shopping for you brought me.  I miss it.  I miss you Hannah.  I miss all your quirky little sayings and the way everything had to have a routine.  I miss singing all the way to school and all the way home.  I miss doing letters, numbers, and matching games dozens of times a day.  I miss having you under my feet while I'm cooking and singing Barney songs in between stirs.  I wish I had done it more, or as you and I always said, "more more".  You are so loved, and I hope you know it.

Dad is doing o.k.  He misses you.  He still plays his football games and calls his plays, all the while remembering the times you helped him out.  He sings with the Arlington Goodtimes would love that!  He's still your goofy old wonderful daddy who misses his girl every Saturday morning especially.  He loves you.

Kyle is still the best big brother ever.  He's lost a lot of weight and looks so handsome in his ROTC army uniform.  He'll take world by storm one day and I have no doubt that the little sister he loves so much will fuel a lot of the change he will introduce to the world around him.  It's exciting to watch him go after his dreams and goals.  I can still hear you call his name and boss him around. LOL!

Zachary is such an amazing young man.  I am loving watching him begin to express his heart.  It's beautiful and some young lady is going to be one lucky woman some day.  He's still hilarious, even when he tries not to be.  He misses you I know.  We all do.

Precious is still scurrying around.  She's been diagnosed with cancer sadly and it can't be cured.  We are treating it and she is managing.  We'll all be so sad when she has to leave us.  I can still see you scooting around the house following her everywhere she went.

Koolio is the biggest teddy bear Hannah.  He misses you so much though.  He gets excited when he sees something of yours and then just lays down and mopes for a little bit once he can't find you.  It's sad, but makes me so happy that even Koolio loved you more than we could ever imagine. 

Your momma is doing o.k.  I'm happy which is something I thought would never happen after I lost you.  I miss you like crazy though!  This year started out kind of rough but I took a step back, regrouped, and got my self care back on track.  It's improving greatly.  I keep busy and you are an inspiration in so many of the things I do.  Your strength, courage, and all that you taught me about what really matters in life fuel my work.  Every time I sit across from a client I think of you and it makes me want to give them the best of me.  I love my job and you are a big part of why I get to do what I do.  I owe you so much Hannah.  You were so much more than my little girl.  You were my friend, teacher, motivation, and inspiration.  I LOVE you, I MISS you, and I always will!

This year on Sept. 21st we will be hosting a walk for the Chelsea Hutchinson Foundation in your memory.  We're all excited about it.  It's going to be an amazing event with lots of people who love you or love someone that has been affected by epilepsy.  This foundation helps parent's with things that give them a little peace of mind such as service dogs, seizure monitors, etc.  I wish you were going to be there.  I hope you've gotten to meet Chelsea.  She sounds like a beautiful wonderful person.  I'm so looking forward to this opportunity to remember you and help other families like ours!   We need this.

I hope you are happy and enjoying all that heaven has to offer.  I know it has to be wonderful because you and so many people I love are there.  I wonder if  you've met the other children who had Dravet syndrome or seizures.  I imagine y'all talk about not having to wear cooling vests, helmets, or anxious parents hanging on your every movement.  Oh how it must feel to be free from harsh medications, restrictions, and hospital and doctors.  You guys are just such troopers when it comes to tolerating all that comes with having seizure disorders.  Hannah, you still inspire us to be better people, to love greater, to hope more more, and to reach beyond obstacles, to always try, and never give up.  I'm so grateful you are my little girl!  I wish epilepsy hadn't taken you from me.  I so wish you were still here.  I  will love you forever, and I will NEVER forget!  All my love, Mommy