The Crash...and the aftermath

It has been two years ago today since I was awakened by a familiar scream.  You reached for me, grabbed my gown, and started seizing.  Your muscles were so seized I could not get my gown from your grip .  I had to get help from others so I could give you medications that would hopefully stop what was going on.  Unfortunately nothing stopped it, and I would never hear that familiar scream again.  That blood curdling, heart stopping sound you'd make when you went into a seizure.  Oh, how I had prayed we'd one day not ever hear it again, but this was not the way I wanted it to end.

I barely remember last year and what I was feeling.  The entire year was a daze.  I was dreaming in the early hours of this morning.  I dreamed I was on a winding bridge on a highway.  Cars were coming behind me and all of a sudden my car stopped.  It just died.  I knew the other cars were going to hit me and it was going to be really bad.  We'd all likely go over the bridge railing.  I remember grabbing the car and person behind me through the broken crushed glass and metal of mine and saying, "Hang on!  I won't let you go.  You just hang on to me."  I clung to the other person and their crushed mangled car through the horror of the flying debris, jolts, jerks, flips, rolling, falling, and eventual landing of our vehicles.  Through the entire incident I maintained eye contact, smiles, and even a few words with the person I clung to.  When our vehicles finally landed I let go of my companion and they did not survive.  I just sat there broken, bleeding, and torn apart crying.  I woke up as I was telling someone that I shouldn't have let go.  It was 5:15 a.m.

The night before the doctors told us you would not recover I went to the shower.  While in that shower I knelt and prayed.  I cried and begged God to let me keep you, but I also surrendered to His will even if that meant He took you.  I knew I'd never understand it and the heartbreak would be something I'd never recover from.  I had no idea how I'd ever live without you.  Your little life was so hard physically, but Oh how incredible was your spirit for that life.  How in the world am I going to live without you!?!?!?

Your seizure was a lot like that crash and I'm living in the aftermath.  It may have been two years ago but we're still in the aftermath.  I wake up everyday wishing you were here and then deciding how to do my day without you.  Some say it gets easier.  I don't see it.  It's not easier.  Living without you is a daily decision I make and to be honest some days I just won't make it.  I crawl back in bed, put the covers over my head and just stay there.  Most days I miss you and then put one foot in front of the other.  Who knows what the day brings.  God's good and He always orders mys steps and puts surprises all along our path.  I trust in His goodness.

I spent the first year in a daze.  A numbness settled in, and I was able to get through a lot of what goes on in the first year while being snuggled in that numbness.  This second year the numbness has lifted and I've had to live in a realness.  The realness that you're gone and what that means.  It's been extremely painful to say the least.  I haven't written a lot which I love doing.  Mostly because as anyone that reads this can tell, my realness hasn't been very pretty.  It's a realness that I'm uncomfortable with, and it makes other people uncomfortable too.  People I talked to everyday for years, I may only talk to once or twice a year now.  Change whether invited or not, is here, and some days I embrace it...others, I hide from it.

So, here's where I'm at my beautiful Hannah.  I'm living in the aftermath of the crash.  I think a lot about how I shouldn't have let go.  That comes from missing you like crazy!  I want you with me.  I know you can't be here and that you're in the most capable hands of all.  I still trust in God's goodness and His love for you, and for me.  You're always in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don't miss you or want you.  You blessed my life and it will forever be richer and better because I had you.  All my Love today and everyday!  Mommy

Revelation

O.K.  so, if you see me stand in church grasping and clinging to David's arms with tears streaming down my face while we sing the "Revelation" song, please know that I'm not insane.  I'm feeling immense pain and immense joy at the same time.  Hard to know what to do with that and it almost always leads to tears and me clinging to her daddy.  The "Revelation" song was one of Hannah's favorites.  I can promise you that it's one we sang together every day at least, the last year of her life.  Now when it's played or sang I miss my girl so bad but then I start thinking about what she is experiencing in heaven and I'm joyful for her.  So if you were wondering...now you know.  LOL!

In case you've never heard the song here it is...

    

Christmas In Heaven

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Hannah's Christmas 2011

 Hannah's Sponge Bob Christmas 2011

 For The Cemetery

 Hannah's last Christmas 2009

Our lawn decoration this year in honor of our girl

I don't ever want to forget this precious face and how much I miss the beautiful spirit of my girl.  This is a photo of her last Christmas.  She loved this silly Santa hat and she always had to do that crinkle nose pose when she saw the camera.  Not a typical framed photo but it embodies the spirit of our girl so well.  I had to have it to display when we decorate for the holidays!

This has been a rough Christmas.  It's our second one without her and my heart has been broken constantly.  I KNOW the reason for the season and it does help, but it doesn't remove the pain or emptiness that not having her with me brings.  I don't write much anymore because I'm in the ugly phase of grief right now.  I'm not into sharing ugliness.  The world has enough without openly adding mine.

Love to you all and I hope your Christmas was great and your New Year brings all the hope and joy you deserve!

Keep watch....

Part of Hannah's story with Koolio will run in a magazine soon.  Once I have more details I will let you all know about it. 

Still missing my girl every single day.  So very thankful I had my beautiful Hannah in my life.  I'll never forget and will tell her story as long as I have breath.

18 months

On Sunday my precious girl will have been gone 18 months.  I'm not sure what I expected it to feel like, but I'm sure I thought it might be a tad easier at this point.  It's really not.  The huge heavy lump that sits in the center of my chest has not moved.  I still feel her loss everywhere I turn.  It's hard, very, very hard.

That being said, God has been so good to me.  He has sustained me and sent me just what I needed, when I needed it.  He's been so creative in His provisions for me and kept me in awe of how He works.  I have been assured of His love for me like I've never been before.  I'm so grateful that I know Him.

I'm still going to school.  I'll probably go until I can't go anymore.  I have no real idea of the direction I'm going.  I do not know what  my career choice is called or what it looks like.  Right now I'm just going the psychology route because I love it.  Especially developmental and neurological.  It'll be interesting to see where it all goes.  I just ask God every morning to order my steps and trust that my future is in the best possible hands.

I'm also still working.  I love my job.  I feel so blessed to do what I do.  I work with adults who have some type of disability to get jobs in the community.  It involves assessing their abilities, teaching them job search skills such as interviewing, and then job coaching once they get the job.  I've got a wonderful boss who puts up with my my constant "ideas".  In case you didn't know I always have some kind of idea brewing or search/research going.  It can be annoying to some but bless Kay's heart she lets me be me.  It's great! 

Next weekend I will have 7 of my 8 nieces at my house.  I can't wait!  I can't help but think how much Hannah would have enjoyed them all.  She would have been right in the middle of them entertaining them.  We'll have fun and I am looking forward to my time with them.  The boys are doing good.  Kyle will finish up his basics next semester and is looking into transfers.  Zach will be a senior and he has a sporting entertainment internship so he'll be one busy and happy guy!  David is a member of the Good times chorus here in Arlington.  His first performance is coming up in August.  They're all doing good and I'm proud of them.

So, as this 18 months without Hannah come and go, I can tell you that I still miss her as much as I did the day she left me.  I find myself more thankful everyday that she was part of my life.  She still touches my life so deeply.  Every time I assess a client and use her "matching" cards, I have to smile.  I miss playing "matching".  I'd give anything to have her here on my bed right now with all those cards laying out.  I'd play as many games as she wanted to play.  I'll always want her here.  That's the momma in me.  I can't wait for a day when we're all together again.  What a day that will be!  I cling to that and it is comforting.  Until then, I miss her, want her, and trust in a God that holds my future, just like he held hers.

Thanks for the continued support and prayers!  They mean the world to us.

Dear Hannah,  I miss you!  I miss you!  I miss you!  I thank you so much for all you taught me and the life you shared with me.  You were and still are my inspiration.  I was and still am so proud to be your momma.  I love you sweet girl.  Always!  Momma

In my Dreams....

We took the boys to Hillsboro yesterday to see their friends.  Kyle has seen his a few times, but Zach has gone an entire school year without spending any time with his pals.  I'm glad he is able to go and have some fun with familiar faces.

While there we decided to stop by the elementary school and see Hannah's memorial bench.  She would be leaving this school this year and moving up to the Intermediate school.  No doubt it would be a huge transition and one I'd have spent countless hours making as smooth as possible.  I'd have spent the summer anxious about how it was all going to go, and it would all be for nothing, because she would walk right in and make her place.  Her teachers would fall in love with her and I'd walk out kicking myself for all those hours of worrying and stressing I did.  Hannah loved going to school.  As we stood there looking at the bench, all of us emotional as we were reminded of Hannah's impact on those that knew her, I didn't feel sad for Hannah, but I was sad for all those who will never know her, and for all of us that have to wait to see her again.  Hannah just had a strength and joy for life about her that was contagious.  Our world needs more of that.

One of the hardest things about having lost Hannah the longer she is gone, is that I worry I'm going to forget how she felt, sounded, smelled, etc.  That I won't remember some of the things she said or did that were so very precious.  Sounds silly, I know, especially since we were pretty much attached at the hip.  She was a part of everything I did.  At any rate I miss her, and it hurts tremendously not to have her here to hold, talk to, and touch.      

Dreams are something I've experienced my entire life.  A night rarely goes by where I do not dream something.  They are usually random, very chaotic, and senseless.  I'll wake up feeling almost hung over and battling to make some sense of what it was all about.  Usually I just have to shake  my head, clear the chaos, and get about my day.  However, since Hannah's passing I've had two very vivid dreams about her and they are totally different from the ones I normally experience.  During today's nap I had a third.  Hannah's birthday was Monday.  She would have been 10.  It is the hardest day by far for us as a family I think.  Hannah fought from the day she was born to live.  She fought a good fight, living everyday joyfully and loving life though all her pain and difficulties.  It's really easy to get into thinking how senseless her death is and how unfair it is that she lost her fight.  Believe me I know all about how our goal is to fight that good fight and that we're all going to ultimately lose, and how to lose is to gain.  I get it.  I really do.  I have learned so very much about God's plan and letting Him control my life, and the only way I have an ounce of peace right now is trusting that all He does is for good.  I literally roll Romans 8:28 around in my head hundreds of times a day.  I said all that to kind of set the stage for what I'm about to share.  I've been missing Hannah and concerned about losing "touch" with her.  I never want her to be reduced to the few things of hers displayed in a glass case as you walk in my door or a picture on the wall.  I've been troubled and grieving my loss this week.  Today I took a nap, and during that nap I saw Hannah.  When I touched her hand it was so very real.  I could feel it, I could kiss it.  I must have said, "you feel real", because she answered, "I am real momma.  Kisses!"  At that point I knelt to kiss her forehead and got a precious whiff of her skin.  I gathered her in my arms and she just laughed.  We sat for a while and I knew my time was ending with her.  No one said it was, it was just a feeling.  I said out loud I was afraid I'd forget.  Hannah told me that I wouldn't, that tickle tickle man doesn't want me to.  "Tickle tickle man?", I asked.  "Oh yeah momma, He is tickle man.  He loves us so much.  Sometimes he puts his beard on just so I can play with it and then He tickles me all over."  I said, "Is God Tickle Man Hannah?"  She responded, "Oh yes momma, He is, He is anything I need Him to be."  At that moment, she hopped up, kissed me and said she had to go.  I sat there smiling.  Seriously, I was smiling as she left me.  Then I woke up and have spent this afternoon with the words, "He wouldn't let me forget because He doesn't want me to, He loves us so much, and He is anything I need Him to be" rolling over and over in my head.

Some of you will think I'm crazy.  I can assure you I am not.  I'm pretty sure I can get a few mental health professionals to attest to that fact if we need it.  It was a dream I know.  It wasn't real, but it felt real, and I needed that.  I needed to access that part of my brain that remembers vividly the way Hannah's skin felt and smelled.  I needed to experience that sweet loving joy for life that only she could exude.  Today, I'm just thankful.  As I end this hard hard week without my girl and reflect on all her life meant to me, I also have to think of all God did in our midst and continues to do.  He's faithful.  The only way to happiness in this life is to fully trust in Him.  I'm not there yet, but I'm oh so much further than I have been.  Thank you friends for your continued prayers and support.  Y'all are the greatest!  To all my fellow special needs mommy's, please know that y'all are in my prayers everyday.  I love your kiddos and I'm forever indebted to you for sharing your lives with me.  God Bless you all!   

To my Hannah,
I love you sweet sweet girl!  Enjoy Tickle Tickle Man and all His love for you!  I'll never forget.  Mommy    

Happy 10th Birthday Hannah!

Today was a tough day.  I woke up with a heavy heart.  David and I both spent the morning crying, missing our girl so bad.  I watched all the little videos I have of her.  Sometimes it feels like a dream that I ever had her at all.  Watching the videos makes it all feel so real again.  I discovered that our bank account information had been compromised and charges from London charged to our account so I had to deal with that.  No fun!  Even with all I dealt with we were able to get things together and headed out.  All four of us had lunch, bought some balloons and headed to the cemetary.  It was extremely hot and windy.  The wind was so bad that it tangled all the ribbons within minutes and I there was no way to untangle them.  We had to let them go all together.  That was not my plan and I felt pretty defeated that the day had been such a disaster to that point.  All I wanted to do was honor my baby girl on her Birthday.  It's just life.  Some days are good and some days are not.  The only thing we can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust God to see us through.  We ended the day celebrating a wonderful friend's birthday with "the hood".  Just what the doctor ordered.  Now, I'm sitting here typing this and thankfully listening to my wonderful husband snore.  God's good.  Thanks for all your prayers today and everyday.  I've said it before, but I believe it with all my heart, your prayers see us through.  Thank you!

   

Now to my Hannah...

Happy Birthday Precious Girl!  It's hard to believe that we've just celebrated the second birthday without you.  I miss you so terribly much.  It's days like this when your death feels so totally senseless.  I'd do it all over again beautiful girl!  I was so truly blessed to have been your momma.  I hope they have chicken nuggets and cake cake in heaven.  You are so very loved and missed!  Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear Hannah...Happy Birthday to you!  All my love!  Momma 

 These are all pictures of Hannah's grave, Bday wreath, & Memorial day flowers. 

 Also Billie's Spring bouquet.

 The wind was really bad and tangled the ribbons on the balloons so bad they couldnt' be untangled.  We had to release them all together this year.   10 balloons for 10th birthday.

 Sponge Bob Birthday balloon.

 The wreath I made for Hannah's Birthday!  I wanted her to have something with SpongeBob.

McDonalds

Every day of my life with Hannah the last couple of years, involved one and maybe two drive through trips at McDonalds.  Not the healthiest, I'm aware, but when you have a child with autism learning to communicate and they do communicate those preferences or desires you've so longed to know and understand,  it's very difficult not to reward that.  If you don't, it may not continue.  Anyway, several days a week I would run through the drivethrough of McDonalds, get her some mcnuggets and drop them by the school for her lunch.  Then she discovered the vanilla shake.  We were getting a friend an ice cream and I knew Hannah couldn't handle one, so I got her a shake instead.  She fell in love with them and everyday after school she'd get in the van and say, "hi momma, shake shake, get Zachary".  We had several minutes between her pick up and getting Zach from high school so I'd swing through the drive through, grab her a shake and she'd sit there sipping away, singing, and talking while we waited on Zach to come out.  Those were some precious precious moments.  I loved that time where she'd make up little songs with me about how Zach needed to hurry.  At any rate, that's just a little background so you'll understand what I'm about to tell.

I've really struggled with McDonalds.  Especially the one in Hillsboro.  It just hasn't felt right to go when my baby girl can't.  Last week I was heading through Hillsboro and I was hungry.  Hadn't eaten all day and Hillsboro is still an hour from home.  McDonalds is right off the interstate and convenient.  I thought I could go through.  It's been a long time.  The minute I turned into the parking lot I felt a heaviness settle on me.  I got to the drive through and I ordered just what I would have for Hannah.  I glanced back where she would have been sitting and I felt a wave of grief wash over me.  I got my order and I know the drive through attendant thought I was crazy because tears were streaming down my face.  I stopped for a minute and set everything up so it was accessible while I was driving.  Then I took the first bite.  It almost wouldn't go down.  I took the second bite and I cried uncontrollably.  I began talking to God about how unfair it was that I could eat nuggets and Hannah couldn't.  So much came pouring out of me.  I wanted to know what it was.  I let you have her but why.  Was I not a good enough mom?  Did I do something wrong?  Why did you want her and why now?  Most of the time I am rational and know that there are no answers and I know I have to trust God's love for me and for Hannah.  I dont' see the whole picture, He does.  It still can't help but feel like a punishment sometimes that she is gone.  Finally when I was completely spent and satisfied that God heard me and still cared.  I finished my nuggets and decided that every time I ate them I'd remember my girl and it was good to remember.  I long to remember.  The thought also occurred to me that who says there are no McNuggets or vanilla shakes in heaven.  Even if there aren't, there is probably something so much better.  Hannah's not missing out on anything.  I'm the one missing out.  Someday though, there will be no missing out for me either.  Until that day....I'll remember.

Love and Miss you baby girl!   

2nd Mother's Day Without you...

Today was my second Mother's Day without you.  Another card without your precious markings.  This day is so bitter sweet.  I miss you.  I wasn't up to doing much today.  I did go out to luch with the boys and it was good.  Your brothers are sweet Hannah.  I know they miss you too.  Daddy was missing nanna a lot today.  I know y'all are enjoying each other and the beauty of all that surrounds you.  Schools coming to a close.  It's been so hard not having you here to get ready to go every morning.  I just miss you baby.  I miss you so bad.  Wish you were here.  Love Always, Mommy

Shoes

I was cleaning last week and found your shoes and your favorite socks.  You know the ones that were way too small for your feet but you insisted on wearing because they were your favorites.  You'd had them since you were 2.  It reminded me about how I used to have to hide your shoes when I took them off because if you saw your shoes you wanted to go to school.  No matter what time it was or if school was out, you thought shoes...school.  You even threw them at me once because I refused to put them on you and take you to school.  School wasn't in session that day.  I'm so glad I let you go to school.  I'm so glad I put all my fears aside long enough that you were able to enjoy something you loved.  I miss you Hannah.  Everyday.  I'll cherish your favorite socks forever and remember our "fights" over wearing them eternally.  Thanks for such a great 8 years sweetie!  They were way to short, but I was given a lot to cherish in that short time.  Miss you bunches!  All my love!  Mommy