On this day four years ago I made the hardest decision of my life...I let you go. Not a day goes by that I don't think about or imagine what we'd be doing if you were here. You would turn 13 this year. I came across some of your clothes the other day and my heart hurt because I remember how much joy shopping for you brought me. I miss it. I miss you Hannah. I miss all your quirky little sayings and the way everything had to have a routine. I miss singing all the way to school and all the way home. I miss doing letters, numbers, and matching games dozens of times a day. I miss having you under my feet while I'm cooking and singing Barney songs in between stirs. I wish I had done it more, or as you and I always said, "more more". You are so loved, and I hope you know it.
Dad is doing o.k. He misses you. He still plays his football games and calls his plays, all the while remembering the times you helped him out. He sings with the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus...you would love that! He's still your goofy old wonderful daddy who misses his girl every Saturday morning especially. He loves you.
Kyle is still the best big brother ever. He's lost a lot of weight and looks so handsome in his ROTC army uniform. He'll take world by storm one day and I have no doubt that the little sister he loves so much will fuel a lot of the change he will introduce to the world around him. It's exciting to watch him go after his dreams and goals. I can still hear you call his name and boss him around. LOL!
Zachary is such an amazing young man. I am loving watching him begin to express his heart. It's beautiful and some young lady is going to be one lucky woman some day. He's still hilarious, even when he tries not to be. He misses you I know. We all do.
Precious is still scurrying around. She's been diagnosed with cancer sadly and it can't be cured. We are treating it and she is managing. We'll all be so sad when she has to leave us. I can still see you scooting around the house following her everywhere she went.
Koolio is the biggest teddy bear Hannah. He misses you so much though. He gets excited when he sees something of yours and then just lays down and mopes for a little bit once he can't find you. It's sad, but makes me so happy that even Koolio loved you more than we could ever imagine.
Your momma is doing o.k. I'm happy which is something I thought would never happen after I lost you. I miss you like crazy though! This year started out kind of rough but I took a step back, regrouped, and got my self care back on track. It's improving greatly. I keep busy and you are an inspiration in so many of the things I do. Your strength, courage, and all that you taught me about what really matters in life fuel my work. Every time I sit across from a client I think of you and it makes me want to give them the best of me. I love my job and you are a big part of why I get to do what I do. I owe you so much Hannah. You were so much more than my little girl. You were my friend, teacher, motivation, and inspiration. I LOVE you, I MISS you, and I always will!
This year on Sept. 21st we will be hosting a walk for the Chelsea Hutchinson Foundation in your memory. We're all excited about it. It's going to be an amazing event with lots of people who love you or love someone that has been affected by epilepsy. This foundation helps parent's with things that give them a little peace of mind such as service dogs, seizure monitors, etc. I wish you were going to be there. I hope you've gotten to meet Chelsea. She sounds like a beautiful wonderful person. I'm so looking forward to this opportunity to remember you and help other families like ours! We need this.
I hope you are happy and enjoying all that heaven has to offer. I know it has to be wonderful because you and so many people I love are there. I wonder if you've met the other children who had Dravet syndrome or seizures. I imagine y'all talk about not having to wear cooling vests, helmets, or anxious parents hanging on your every movement. Oh how it must feel to be free from harsh medications, restrictions, and hospital and doctors. You guys are just such troopers when it comes to tolerating all that comes with having seizure disorders. Hannah, you still inspire us to be better people, to love greater, to hope more more, and to reach beyond obstacles, to always try, and never give up. I'm so grateful you are my little girl! I wish epilepsy hadn't taken you from me. I so wish you were still here. I will love you forever, and I will NEVER forget! All my love, Mommy
Friday, January 17, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Loss and 2014
Celebrating New Years is hard for me because with each passing year comes the anniversary of Hannah's death. On January 17th Hannah will have been gone 4 years. Can I just say that it feels like it's been an eternity since I held my precious girl and we laughed and played together. This holiday season has been one of tears for me. I haven't cried this much since her death. I'll be driving down the road and have to pull over as tears flood my eyes. Songs are really making me cry very easily. I watched a Garth Brooks special the other night and cried through the entire thing...and he was funny most of the time. It's the nostalgia or something. I just find myself really close to tears a lot lately. As hard as it was sometimes, I loved my life with Hannah. I loved that beautiful soul so very much. She inspired every minute of everyday. Some people don't understand that because all they see is the hardship, but in spite of the hardship we just had an incredibly beautiful life that can only be experienced in the midst of it. God was so very real and present to us every minute of every day. Hannah loved school and she was a teacher. She taught me so many lessons about life. I miss those lessons. They're hard to remember when she isn't here giving her refresher courses. She taught me how to fight, to stand up for what I thought and felt was right, to live in the moment, to play, to laugh, to dream, to hope, to believe in myself, to let others love me, and that it is o.k. to need help. She sure did, and I owe her so much for the life I'm able to live today. Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for being happy. It's hard. Some mornings I just wake up and ask God to please grab her while she's running around up in heaven, squeeze her tight, kiss her forehead, and tell her that her mommy told Him to tell her that she loves her so very much, will never forget her, and thank her for being my little girl. I so hope she knows how much she was loved and is missed. That being said, I am happy, and that is something I would have never thought I could say. I have an incredible husband who loves me unconditionally and makes me laugh hysterically. I have two of the most wonderful young men as sons. I love their heart for others, and their dreams for their futures. I have been blessed with some amazing friends that keep me going when I think I can't go anymore. I have a fantastic job that I love with a boss that appreciates my crazy mind (most of the time). :-) I am a college student at 43 years of age pursuing a degree that will help me fulfill my dreams for future endeavors. On top of all that God has seen fit to allow me to work with organizations working with broken women and I love it. I'm blessed in the midst of great grief. Who would have thought? Not me. Can you be happy and sad at the same time....YES. As much as I hate crying and feeling blue, it's part of loving someone and losing them so I have to allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it. 2014 is on the horizon, and I've decided I'm just going to let it be. I'm going to cry and feel blue, but I'm also going to be happy. God has been so incredibly good to me in the midst of my grief and I am forever thankful. To my Hannah...thank you for being the amazingly beautiful person you were, and for loving your mommy. I will forever miss you, love you, and will NEVER forget you. I'm who I am today because you were part of my life. Thank you! To all of you...I hope your 2014 brings you the joy you all deserve. God Bless, and Happy New Year!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
November & Hannah
This morning I woke up thinking about Hannah. I sure
miss that girl! She was an incredible life force in the short years she
was with us. She touched people just being Hannah. It was so awesome
being her momma. So grateful to God for the precious gift of her life.
Not to make Hannah's life all about me, but I have to tell you that I honestly believe Hannah was a gift from God straight to me. I was in a very bad place when I found out I was carrying Hannah. She wasn't a planned baby, and although I wanted her the minute I knew she was conceived, I struggled greatly the entire pregnancy physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had worked my whole life to be good enough, to be what people wanted me to be, to hide my shame, and about the time I found out I was pregnant with Hannah everything seemed to be falling apart. I found myself super sick throughout my entire pregnancy, but was afraid to let anyone know it. In my mind every relationship I had was dependent on what I could do for them, so if they knew how sick I was then the relationship would end. A severe depression had set in. I was slowly and completely giving up on life, and embracing death.
The weekend of Hannah's birth was a whirlwind. My brother and his family was down for a visit. I was sick the entire time. I took a whole bottle of tums trying to relieve the pressure in my upper abdomen. I finally decided to call the doctor and he ordered me to the hospital immediately. When I got there I had severe eclampsia. I was immediately put on a monitor and vitals were taken every 30 minutes for the next two days. It was a weekend. My doctor came in on Monday morning and announced that she would have to take the baby. I was 27 weeks. She said that if they did not take the baby, we would both die. I opted to wait until the next day to have her so I could take steroid shots that would strengthen Hannah's lungs and give her a better chance of survival. It was a very miserable 24 hours until the delivery. I honestly thought Hannah and I both were going to die and I was ready. I was completely exhausted with life. My heart hurt for my boys but I was convinced they'd be better off without me. I was ready to go.
During the delivery I waited to hear her cry. The doctor had told us that if she cried it would be a good sign. I heard her cry and I cried. They took her over to a table to work on her, and announced that they had a feisty one on their hands. I smiled. A strength begin to build in me at that moment. I was afraid to get attached to her because I was still not sure she or I either one was going to live. Not long after leaving the hospital without her I sat on the side of my bed with an entire bottle of pain meds ready to take them all. I decided to call and check on her and got a good report from the nurses. I sat the bottle down thinking "Marcey, you're baby girl is fighting to live. You owe it to her to fight also." The next day I stood at her incubator promising to get help so I could be the best mom her and her brothers could have. I wasn't sure where the help would come from, but I was going to look for it. A journey of healing began that continues to this day. There have been many heartaches along the way, but I've held onto the hope that was born in me through Hannah.
And that is my life with Hannah in a nutshell. She continually inspired me, and still does. Hannah taught me to fight, to let people in, and that it was o.k. to need help. She reminded me that I love to learn, and gave me a reason to learn something new every single day. She taught me that melt downs are a necessary thing in life, and that as long as you get up and keep moving you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hannah taught me to live life in the moment, to celebrate the small things, and to appreciate everything. Hannah taught me to live well. Although I wish I could have had her longer, I am grateful to God for the gift of her life that I got to share. She's my angel and inspiration. I'll just keep missing her and never forget. If she meant anything to you, please do not forget. Live in her inspiration as I do. God Bless!
Not to make Hannah's life all about me, but I have to tell you that I honestly believe Hannah was a gift from God straight to me. I was in a very bad place when I found out I was carrying Hannah. She wasn't a planned baby, and although I wanted her the minute I knew she was conceived, I struggled greatly the entire pregnancy physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had worked my whole life to be good enough, to be what people wanted me to be, to hide my shame, and about the time I found out I was pregnant with Hannah everything seemed to be falling apart. I found myself super sick throughout my entire pregnancy, but was afraid to let anyone know it. In my mind every relationship I had was dependent on what I could do for them, so if they knew how sick I was then the relationship would end. A severe depression had set in. I was slowly and completely giving up on life, and embracing death.
The weekend of Hannah's birth was a whirlwind. My brother and his family was down for a visit. I was sick the entire time. I took a whole bottle of tums trying to relieve the pressure in my upper abdomen. I finally decided to call the doctor and he ordered me to the hospital immediately. When I got there I had severe eclampsia. I was immediately put on a monitor and vitals were taken every 30 minutes for the next two days. It was a weekend. My doctor came in on Monday morning and announced that she would have to take the baby. I was 27 weeks. She said that if they did not take the baby, we would both die. I opted to wait until the next day to have her so I could take steroid shots that would strengthen Hannah's lungs and give her a better chance of survival. It was a very miserable 24 hours until the delivery. I honestly thought Hannah and I both were going to die and I was ready. I was completely exhausted with life. My heart hurt for my boys but I was convinced they'd be better off without me. I was ready to go.
During the delivery I waited to hear her cry. The doctor had told us that if she cried it would be a good sign. I heard her cry and I cried. They took her over to a table to work on her, and announced that they had a feisty one on their hands. I smiled. A strength begin to build in me at that moment. I was afraid to get attached to her because I was still not sure she or I either one was going to live. Not long after leaving the hospital without her I sat on the side of my bed with an entire bottle of pain meds ready to take them all. I decided to call and check on her and got a good report from the nurses. I sat the bottle down thinking "Marcey, you're baby girl is fighting to live. You owe it to her to fight also." The next day I stood at her incubator promising to get help so I could be the best mom her and her brothers could have. I wasn't sure where the help would come from, but I was going to look for it. A journey of healing began that continues to this day. There have been many heartaches along the way, but I've held onto the hope that was born in me through Hannah.
And that is my life with Hannah in a nutshell. She continually inspired me, and still does. Hannah taught me to fight, to let people in, and that it was o.k. to need help. She reminded me that I love to learn, and gave me a reason to learn something new every single day. She taught me that melt downs are a necessary thing in life, and that as long as you get up and keep moving you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hannah taught me to live life in the moment, to celebrate the small things, and to appreciate everything. Hannah taught me to live well. Although I wish I could have had her longer, I am grateful to God for the gift of her life that I got to share. She's my angel and inspiration. I'll just keep missing her and never forget. If she meant anything to you, please do not forget. Live in her inspiration as I do. God Bless!
Hannah Gabrielle Chapman 5/30/2001 - 1/17/2010
November is
Epilepsy awareness month. It is super important that more attention and
funding is given to this illness. Too many families are losing their
children. I lost my angel girl to a status seizure. Her brain and
organs were damaged beyond repair and we had to say goodbye and watch as
she was removed from life support. Please help in any way you can to
bring awareness and support to the epilepsy community. Check out the
links to the right towards the bottom for places to help. Hannah story,
Chelsea Hutchison foundation, Dravet foundation, Idea League, Danny
Did, Purple day for epilepsy, and epilepsy foundation.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Spammers
I have had to change the settings to this site to only allow comments from registered users because it's been attacked lately with spammers. I know I don't post here much, but when I need to I come here and read about Hannah's life and remember it wasn't all just a dream. I hope to be able to keep this up for quite some time. Maybe I can figure out how to print it up and bind it together so I'll have it always. At any rate, I apologize if the ability to leave comments is inconvenient. I just can't risk this site being destroyed. God Bless!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Almost 12 (forgive the chaotic order of this post please! :-)
I really hate that I do not get to write here often. This blog is so very important to me. I'm grateful that I took the time to blog about things that would seem insignificant, because with Hannah gone not a single moment with her seems insignificant now. I can't tell you how comforting it is to get to go back and read over our last few years together. I LOVED being Hannah's mom. Even in the hardest of times she made life with her a joy.
The last few weeks have been very reflective for me. Several things have taken place...
I work with individuals who have disabilities on a daily basis and I love it. It's so much more than a job to me. It has its bad days, but the good ones outnumber the bad ones. Last week part of my job involved me taking a client into three life skills classrooms in three different schools. They call it life skills but it's academic and life skills rolled up in one. I call it "old school". :-) Two of the classrooms were classes Hannah actually attended. The third was the one she would currently be attending if she was still with us. I was a little worried about how this would affect me emotionally being so close to her 12th birthday. It really was good for me however. It felt great to be among people, and in places Hannah loved. I was reminded how loved Hannah was and continues to be. I'm grateful for the experience.
A beautiful little girl passed away from a status seizure last week. She had Dravet syndrome. I watched(through facebook) as her family wrestled with all the things we wrestled with before we had to say bye to Hannah. My heart broke for them and continues to. I couldn't help but think that maybe Hannah would meet her and show her the ropes. :-) Too many families losing their babies to seizures. :-( It's beyond hard.
I was feeling guilty because I didn't think I was doing enough to keep Hannah's memory alive. I haven't started a foundation, have only done small fund raisers for epilepsy awareness, and still haven't written that book I had planned to write. I had a dream that was so real. In my dream I was at a playground and kids were running around like crazy having the time of their life. I found myself desperately looking for Hannah and I couldn't find her in the crowd. I was incredibly sad and feeling like a huge failure. My head was tucked when I heard a familiar voice. It was Hannah. She ran up to me, wrapped her arms around my hips and said, "it's o.k. mommy", and then ran back to play. The "it's o.k. mommy" woke me out of a dead sleep. It was so very real. I wish I could adequately describe it. It just felt like Hannah was letting me off the hook.
So, those are just a few of the things that have taken place and made me really reflect, grieve, and celebrate my life with Hannah. She's been gone over 3 years now. So hard to believe.
On Saturday the boys, David, and I made a trip to the cemetery. Hannah would have been 12 this Thursday, the 30th. I always make a wreath for Hannah's birthday but this year I just haven't been in a place where I could. In February I had a serious episode with my esophagus and it threw me for a loop. I was pretty much useless for a couple of months. Then work got really busy, the semester was coming to a close, and finals were happening. With the stress from all of that, I had a flare up of CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome). Ugh! It was depressing. I am so blessed with wonderful friends though. My fantastic friend Shelley took care of getting a wreath for us to take to Hannah's grave. It was perfect. We usually release balloons for the number of years she would be old. This year I decided to buy four plain balloons, and we each wrote a message to Hannah on them, then released them. It felt right. See the photos below.
After the cemetery we were able to meet some dear friends from the hood for dinner. It was great to catch up with them. They were greatly used by God in our lives at the time of Hannah's passing and continue to bless our lives. Friends are priceless you know! We're so blessed!
Thank you all so much for loving our girl and for loving us! We wouldn't make it without the prayers and support of our friends. You've kept us going in some really hard times. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and remember that seizures do take lives! Precious beautiful boys and girls! Someone's baby! Love on a family when you hear their child has seizures and remember Hannah! All my Love! Marcey
The last few weeks have been very reflective for me. Several things have taken place...
I work with individuals who have disabilities on a daily basis and I love it. It's so much more than a job to me. It has its bad days, but the good ones outnumber the bad ones. Last week part of my job involved me taking a client into three life skills classrooms in three different schools. They call it life skills but it's academic and life skills rolled up in one. I call it "old school". :-) Two of the classrooms were classes Hannah actually attended. The third was the one she would currently be attending if she was still with us. I was a little worried about how this would affect me emotionally being so close to her 12th birthday. It really was good for me however. It felt great to be among people, and in places Hannah loved. I was reminded how loved Hannah was and continues to be. I'm grateful for the experience.
A beautiful little girl passed away from a status seizure last week. She had Dravet syndrome. I watched(through facebook) as her family wrestled with all the things we wrestled with before we had to say bye to Hannah. My heart broke for them and continues to. I couldn't help but think that maybe Hannah would meet her and show her the ropes. :-) Too many families losing their babies to seizures. :-( It's beyond hard.
I was feeling guilty because I didn't think I was doing enough to keep Hannah's memory alive. I haven't started a foundation, have only done small fund raisers for epilepsy awareness, and still haven't written that book I had planned to write. I had a dream that was so real. In my dream I was at a playground and kids were running around like crazy having the time of their life. I found myself desperately looking for Hannah and I couldn't find her in the crowd. I was incredibly sad and feeling like a huge failure. My head was tucked when I heard a familiar voice. It was Hannah. She ran up to me, wrapped her arms around my hips and said, "it's o.k. mommy", and then ran back to play. The "it's o.k. mommy" woke me out of a dead sleep. It was so very real. I wish I could adequately describe it. It just felt like Hannah was letting me off the hook.
So, those are just a few of the things that have taken place and made me really reflect, grieve, and celebrate my life with Hannah. She's been gone over 3 years now. So hard to believe.
On Saturday the boys, David, and I made a trip to the cemetery. Hannah would have been 12 this Thursday, the 30th. I always make a wreath for Hannah's birthday but this year I just haven't been in a place where I could. In February I had a serious episode with my esophagus and it threw me for a loop. I was pretty much useless for a couple of months. Then work got really busy, the semester was coming to a close, and finals were happening. With the stress from all of that, I had a flare up of CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome). Ugh! It was depressing. I am so blessed with wonderful friends though. My fantastic friend Shelley took care of getting a wreath for us to take to Hannah's grave. It was perfect. We usually release balloons for the number of years she would be old. This year I decided to buy four plain balloons, and we each wrote a message to Hannah on them, then released them. It felt right. See the photos below.
Thank you all so much for loving our girl and for loving us! We wouldn't make it without the prayers and support of our friends. You've kept us going in some really hard times. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and remember that seizures do take lives! Precious beautiful boys and girls! Someone's baby! Love on a family when you hear their child has seizures and remember Hannah! All my Love! Marcey
Friday, April 26, 2013
Kills me...
It is very painful that I have not had anything to post here in 8 months. I went through the holidays, the third anniversary of your passing, and now it's the end of another school year. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you beautiful girl. Mommy loves you and would give anything to be able to write about all you and I are experiencing together. I'll never forget...Love you forever!
Monday, August 27, 2012
School, Shoes, and sleeping farmers...
Tomorrow all the kids will be climbing out of bed, getting dressed, eating their favorite breakfast, and heading out to start a brand new school year. My heart will be heavy all day long and I'm sure tears will stream down my face more than once as I remember all the wonderful first days of school you and I had together.
There aren't words to express how much I miss shopping for shoes with you. You brought such joy to the shoe clerks faces as you walked in the store and proclaimed, "SHOOOOOOEEEEES!" with such admiration that only a true shoe fan could possibly understand. We always walked out with the cutest ones even if you didn't yet have anything to match them. I didn't even care that I would likely spend most school day mornings fighting you on which pair to wear, because you'd almost always pick a pair that did not go with the outfit you had picked for the day. I learned to give in and let you wear what you wanted. One thing you taught me during our short time together is what really matters, and matching shoes and outfits just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. With all you'd endured and survived you had earned your right to choose and be you.(quirky style and all) None of your outfits were ever hideously mismatched anyway. It was o.k. and you were fun. I think you'd be proud. I just ordered a new pair of athletic shoes and they are purple, silver, and black. I often think of you and imagine what your choice would have been had you been with me. I think you'd have wanted a pair yourself. LOL! I hope they have shoe stores in heaven and you get to visit them often.
Tomorrow the boys go back to school. I know they miss their beautiful sister. Daddy misses his princess. You were/are so loved Hannah. We all just really struggle with not having you here. Would give anything to hear your voice, feel your arms around our necks, and just see your precious face.
I wish you were here so I could read your favorite book...."the horse said, "naaaaaaa, I want some hey! but the farmer didn't wake up!" I'll never forget you angel. Not ever. You were such a blessing to my life. You'll never be forgotten. Never ever ever.
If tomorrow is the first day of school in heaven, I hope it is the best day ever. I love sweet girl.
Always and forever.
Mom
There aren't words to express how much I miss shopping for shoes with you. You brought such joy to the shoe clerks faces as you walked in the store and proclaimed, "SHOOOOOOEEEEES!" with such admiration that only a true shoe fan could possibly understand. We always walked out with the cutest ones even if you didn't yet have anything to match them. I didn't even care that I would likely spend most school day mornings fighting you on which pair to wear, because you'd almost always pick a pair that did not go with the outfit you had picked for the day. I learned to give in and let you wear what you wanted. One thing you taught me during our short time together is what really matters, and matching shoes and outfits just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. With all you'd endured and survived you had earned your right to choose and be you.(quirky style and all) None of your outfits were ever hideously mismatched anyway. It was o.k. and you were fun. I think you'd be proud. I just ordered a new pair of athletic shoes and they are purple, silver, and black. I often think of you and imagine what your choice would have been had you been with me. I think you'd have wanted a pair yourself. LOL! I hope they have shoe stores in heaven and you get to visit them often.
Tomorrow the boys go back to school. I know they miss their beautiful sister. Daddy misses his princess. You were/are so loved Hannah. We all just really struggle with not having you here. Would give anything to hear your voice, feel your arms around our necks, and just see your precious face.
I wish you were here so I could read your favorite book...."the horse said, "naaaaaaa, I want some hey! but the farmer didn't wake up!" I'll never forget you angel. Not ever. You were such a blessing to my life. You'll never be forgotten. Never ever ever.
If tomorrow is the first day of school in heaven, I hope it is the best day ever. I love sweet girl.
Always and forever.
Mom
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| Attendance 2010 (Week before she past away) |
Hannah at Field Day. She had a blast! May 2009
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Happy Birthday Hannah
Today would have been your 11th birthday. It's the third one without you here. I miss you so much. So glad I had you in my life even if it was for way to short a time. Love you forever sweet girl! All my love, Momma.
For Hannah's birthday this year I went with a flag theme. Hannah loved the pledge and the "Grand Ole Flag". I so miss my girl. Can't write much today because it's all pretty negative. It's been a really rough one this year. Thanks for all the prayers and support!
For Hannah's birthday this year I went with a flag theme. Hannah loved the pledge and the "Grand Ole Flag". I so miss my girl. Can't write much today because it's all pretty negative. It's been a really rough one this year. Thanks for all the prayers and support!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Remember
Yesterday I was on my way to Waco to do an assessment when I got a call and it was canceled. I was in Hillsboro by this time so I thought I'd stop by and check on Hannah's memorial bench. As I stood there looking at it, a woman came out of the building and asked me if she could help me. I had to awkwardly reply, "no, I'm good. This is my daughter's bench and I was in town so I stopped by." She replied, "o.k." and went about her business. My heart sank. All of Hannah's friends have moved on to the next school, only one of her teachers aides is still at the elementary, and none of her teachers remain there. The principal and assistant principal have all changed. I came to realize that soon no one would even know who the little girl on the bench even was, who I was, or why this place was significant enough to our lives that we had a bench placed there. The place that had once been such a big part of our lives would not even recognize us. It breaks my heart, but such is grief. It's sneaky and it's cruel. You wake up going about your day only to be blindsided with a pain you would give anything not to feel. A miserable realization that something so precious to you is forever gone from this world. All I know is that I will never forget. I will always stop and check on that beautiful memorial whenever I'm in town, and I will awkwardly announce my reason for being there every single time as well. I will never ever forget. Ever.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
3rd Mother's Day
Yesterday daddy was cleaning on the garage and found one of the new Hanna Anderson outfits I bought you. It was the one with all the bright tropical flowers. Remember, I wouldn't let you wear it yet because it was for the Spring. I so wish I had let you wear it, because it would have been so "you". Your silver shoes would have gone so perfectly with it too. I would love to remember the arguments we'd have everyday as you wanted to wear "that one" and couldn't because "that one" was dirty. LOL!
I finally went shoe shopping the other day without you. It was such a bittersweet experience. There were no children shoes in the store but I could still imagine you proclaiming in awe, "SHOES" and wanting to try them all on. I settled on a cute pair of platform wedges that you'd love. I would have had to hide these from you because you'd certainly break your neck plopping around house in them.
It's my third Mother's day without you. I still miss your voice and your kisses so horribly. There is a void your leaving has left that just can't be filled by anything. It just has to be endured and felt. I'm so glad I had you. Having you changed my life in so many ways. I am stronger, more compassionate, more understanding, and most of all I have a voice. Thank you Hannah for living your life to the fullest despite every obstacle put in your way. Thank you for fighting with a smile on your face and most of all thank you for loving through it all. Your love was such a perfect love. One most of us do not get a chance to experience. I'm thankful I did.
I love you sweet girl forever!
momma
I finally went shoe shopping the other day without you. It was such a bittersweet experience. There were no children shoes in the store but I could still imagine you proclaiming in awe, "SHOES" and wanting to try them all on. I settled on a cute pair of platform wedges that you'd love. I would have had to hide these from you because you'd certainly break your neck plopping around house in them.
It's my third Mother's day without you. I still miss your voice and your kisses so horribly. There is a void your leaving has left that just can't be filled by anything. It just has to be endured and felt. I'm so glad I had you. Having you changed my life in so many ways. I am stronger, more compassionate, more understanding, and most of all I have a voice. Thank you Hannah for living your life to the fullest despite every obstacle put in your way. Thank you for fighting with a smile on your face and most of all thank you for loving through it all. Your love was such a perfect love. One most of us do not get a chance to experience. I'm thankful I did.
I love you sweet girl forever!
momma
Friday, January 13, 2012
The Crash...and the aftermath
It has been two years ago today since I was awakened by a familiar scream. You reached for me, grabbed my gown, and started seizing. Your muscles were so seized I could not get my gown from your grip . I had to get help from others so I could give you medications that would hopefully stop what was going on. Unfortunately nothing stopped it, and I would never hear that familiar scream again. That blood curdling, heart stopping sound you'd make when you went into a seizure. Oh, how I had prayed we'd one day not ever hear it again, but this was not the way I wanted it to end.
I barely remember last year and what I was feeling. The entire year was a daze. I was dreaming in the early hours of this morning. I dreamed I was on a winding bridge on a highway. Cars were coming behind me and all of a sudden my car stopped. It just died. I knew the other cars were going to hit me and it was going to be really bad. We'd all likely go over the bridge railing. I remember grabbing the car and person behind me through the broken crushed glass and metal of mine and saying, "Hang on! I won't let you go. You just hang on to me." I clung to the other person and their crushed mangled car through the horror of the flying debris, jolts, jerks, flips, rolling, falling, and eventual landing of our vehicles. Through the entire incident I maintained eye contact, smiles, and even a few words with the person I clung to. When our vehicles finally landed I let go of my companion and they did not survive. I just sat there broken, bleeding, and torn apart crying. I woke up as I was telling someone that I shouldn't have let go. It was 5:15 a.m.
The night before the doctors told us you would not recover I went to the shower. While in that shower I knelt and prayed. I cried and begged God to let me keep you, but I also surrendered to His will even if that meant He took you. I knew I'd never understand it and the heartbreak would be something I'd never recover from. I had no idea how I'd ever live without you. Your little life was so hard physically, but Oh how incredible was your spirit for that life. How in the world am I going to live without you!?!?!?
Your seizure was a lot like that crash and I'm living in the aftermath. It may have been two years ago but we're still in the aftermath. I wake up everyday wishing you were here and then deciding how to do my day without you. Some say it gets easier. I don't see it. It's not easier. Living without you is a daily decision I make and to be honest some days I just won't make it. I crawl back in bed, put the covers over my head and just stay there. Most days I miss you and then put one foot in front of the other. Who knows what the day brings. God's good and He always orders mys steps and puts surprises all along our path. I trust in His goodness.
I spent the first year in a daze. A numbness settled in, and I was able to get through a lot of what goes on in the first year while being snuggled in that numbness. This second year the numbness has lifted and I've had to live in a realness. The realness that you're gone and what that means. It's been extremely painful to say the least. I haven't written a lot which I love doing. Mostly because as anyone that reads this can tell, my realness hasn't been very pretty. It's a realness that I'm uncomfortable with, and it makes other people uncomfortable too. People I talked to everyday for years, I may only talk to once or twice a year now. Change whether invited or not, is here, and some days I embrace it...others, I hide from it.
So, here's where I'm at my beautiful Hannah. I'm living in the aftermath of the crash. I think a lot about how I shouldn't have let go. That comes from missing you like crazy! I want you with me. I know you can't be here and that you're in the most capable hands of all. I still trust in God's goodness and His love for you, and for me. You're always in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don't miss you or want you. You blessed my life and it will forever be richer and better because I had you. All my Love today and everyday! Mommy
I barely remember last year and what I was feeling. The entire year was a daze. I was dreaming in the early hours of this morning. I dreamed I was on a winding bridge on a highway. Cars were coming behind me and all of a sudden my car stopped. It just died. I knew the other cars were going to hit me and it was going to be really bad. We'd all likely go over the bridge railing. I remember grabbing the car and person behind me through the broken crushed glass and metal of mine and saying, "Hang on! I won't let you go. You just hang on to me." I clung to the other person and their crushed mangled car through the horror of the flying debris, jolts, jerks, flips, rolling, falling, and eventual landing of our vehicles. Through the entire incident I maintained eye contact, smiles, and even a few words with the person I clung to. When our vehicles finally landed I let go of my companion and they did not survive. I just sat there broken, bleeding, and torn apart crying. I woke up as I was telling someone that I shouldn't have let go. It was 5:15 a.m.
The night before the doctors told us you would not recover I went to the shower. While in that shower I knelt and prayed. I cried and begged God to let me keep you, but I also surrendered to His will even if that meant He took you. I knew I'd never understand it and the heartbreak would be something I'd never recover from. I had no idea how I'd ever live without you. Your little life was so hard physically, but Oh how incredible was your spirit for that life. How in the world am I going to live without you!?!?!?
Your seizure was a lot like that crash and I'm living in the aftermath. It may have been two years ago but we're still in the aftermath. I wake up everyday wishing you were here and then deciding how to do my day without you. Some say it gets easier. I don't see it. It's not easier. Living without you is a daily decision I make and to be honest some days I just won't make it. I crawl back in bed, put the covers over my head and just stay there. Most days I miss you and then put one foot in front of the other. Who knows what the day brings. God's good and He always orders mys steps and puts surprises all along our path. I trust in His goodness.
I spent the first year in a daze. A numbness settled in, and I was able to get through a lot of what goes on in the first year while being snuggled in that numbness. This second year the numbness has lifted and I've had to live in a realness. The realness that you're gone and what that means. It's been extremely painful to say the least. I haven't written a lot which I love doing. Mostly because as anyone that reads this can tell, my realness hasn't been very pretty. It's a realness that I'm uncomfortable with, and it makes other people uncomfortable too. People I talked to everyday for years, I may only talk to once or twice a year now. Change whether invited or not, is here, and some days I embrace it...others, I hide from it.
So, here's where I'm at my beautiful Hannah. I'm living in the aftermath of the crash. I think a lot about how I shouldn't have let go. That comes from missing you like crazy! I want you with me. I know you can't be here and that you're in the most capable hands of all. I still trust in God's goodness and His love for you, and for me. You're always in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don't miss you or want you. You blessed my life and it will forever be richer and better because I had you. All my Love today and everyday! Mommy
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Revelation
O.K. so, if you see me stand in church grasping and clinging to David's arms with tears streaming down my face while we sing the "Revelation" song, please know that I'm not insane. I'm feeling immense pain and immense joy at the same time. Hard to know what to do with that and it almost always leads to tears and me clinging to her daddy. The "Revelation" song was one of Hannah's favorites. I can promise you that it's one we sang together every day at least, the last year of her life. Now when it's played or sang I miss my girl so bad but then I start thinking about what she is experiencing in heaven and I'm joyful for her. So if you were wondering...now you know. LOL!
In case you've never heard the song here it is...
In case you've never heard the song here it is...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
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