Hannah will have been gone 7 months tomorrow. I miss her more than I can ever express. I'm really starting not to believe people when they say it gets easier. It hurts just as much today as it did the day I had to let her go. We would not make it through this without God and the people he has placed in our life. I can't imagine going through this without Christ.
I've been dwelling a lot on my loss lately. It's a huge loss, you know. Easy to dwell on it. I feel Hannah's absense every waking minute of everyday. Hannah was just the kind of person that connected to everything good inside of you. I miss that connection. I just miss her.
This morning during my devotional time I was praying and crying.(I'm a bucket of tears now a days) Towards the end of my prayer time for some reason I just started thinking about how I had Hannah for 8 years. God gave me 8 years, nearly 9, with my girl. I wasn't even supposed to have her a few hours. The very fact that she lived 8 years to experience and influence the world around her was a miracle. My Noo(nickname prounouced Nu) was beautiful. I got to be the momma of the strongest girl I will ever know. A girl that loved life in the midst of great pain and against all odds. A girl that changed the way everyone who knew her thought about and experienced life. A girl that showed me that if you celebrate small accomplishments your life is alot more joyful because you have a lot of small accomplishments and only a few Big ones. There aren't enough words to tell you all that Hannah's life meant to me.
So, today I'm thankful. I will forever be grateful for the years I had as Hannah's momma and look forward to the day when I see her again. BTW, it's becoming less and less puzzling to me why "I'll Fly Away" was her favorite song. It's incredible the more and more I think about it. I wonder if she was singing it as the angels carried her home.
God Bless!
I'll Fly Away
Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
School Time...
These are photos from one of the times we took Hannah to Franklin where she would go to PPCD(Public preschool for children with developmental delays). We wanted her to be used to the playground equipment. LOL! Great memories!
Man, this is a tough one. I'd say it is almost as tough as her Birthday. This was OUR time. This was the time Hannah and I enjoyed so much. I LOVED that she loved school. It was always an exciting time even if a little scary. I miss going to hannaandersson.com and ordering her a couple cute outfits. I miss taking her shoes shopping. I miss the meetings with staff to prepare them for her and her for them. I miss the countdown we did. I miss the tears as I leave her on that first day and her huge grin as she gets to do the thing she loved the most. I miss the thought I had every single day as I walked out that door and left her, the realization that it could very possibly be the last time I see that smile and I hate that it is my reality. It's just tough!
I love school, I love school supplies, I love books, I love backpacks, I love learning and I got to live all I love through my Hannah. I got to share the joy of it with her. This was something we shared. Something that bonded us. I miss her.
I wouldn't ask her to come back but sometimes in my pain I just want to go up to heaven and snatch her back and tell God he can't have her. That she's mine. I know I'd get up there and not take her because there is no way I'd want to after I saw what she sees and feel what she feels. I just miss her. In church Sunday the pastor talked about John's vision of heaven found in Revelations and the revealing of the glorified Christ. I couldn't help but feel so in awe of the fact that my Hannah is there witnessing all of that. She's now part of the splendor of heaven. In my opinion a big part of it. ;)
I have a new passage of scripture that is my favorite now. I'm continually in awe of how our struggles in this life are not new struggles and when we need a word, if we look, or have a friend that looks, LOL, we will find something that speaks strength to our hearts. I've lived this passage over and over and over the past nearly 7 mths. I've wailed at God crying out with questions like; "What is wrong with me? Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Did I not take good enough care of her? Why do you hate me?" only to move to remembering what a miracle Hannah's life was from the beginning and how good God was to us. I wish we could have had Hannah with us longer. I miss that beautiful face and sweet voice. It was her time though. God called her home...."time to end your suffering Hannah". I do believe angels walk among us. I think I gave birth to one. ;) I lived in the presence of an angel for almost 9 years. What an incredible blessing! I hope this passage I'm posting will bless you in some way. I know I'm not the only one that misses our girl! God bless! Happy New School Year!
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Man, this is a tough one. I'd say it is almost as tough as her Birthday. This was OUR time. This was the time Hannah and I enjoyed so much. I LOVED that she loved school. It was always an exciting time even if a little scary. I miss going to hannaandersson.com and ordering her a couple cute outfits. I miss taking her shoes shopping. I miss the meetings with staff to prepare them for her and her for them. I miss the countdown we did. I miss the tears as I leave her on that first day and her huge grin as she gets to do the thing she loved the most. I miss the thought I had every single day as I walked out that door and left her, the realization that it could very possibly be the last time I see that smile and I hate that it is my reality. It's just tough!
I love school, I love school supplies, I love books, I love backpacks, I love learning and I got to live all I love through my Hannah. I got to share the joy of it with her. This was something we shared. Something that bonded us. I miss her.
I wouldn't ask her to come back but sometimes in my pain I just want to go up to heaven and snatch her back and tell God he can't have her. That she's mine. I know I'd get up there and not take her because there is no way I'd want to after I saw what she sees and feel what she feels. I just miss her. In church Sunday the pastor talked about John's vision of heaven found in Revelations and the revealing of the glorified Christ. I couldn't help but feel so in awe of the fact that my Hannah is there witnessing all of that. She's now part of the splendor of heaven. In my opinion a big part of it. ;)
I have a new passage of scripture that is my favorite now. I'm continually in awe of how our struggles in this life are not new struggles and when we need a word, if we look, or have a friend that looks, LOL, we will find something that speaks strength to our hearts. I've lived this passage over and over and over the past nearly 7 mths. I've wailed at God crying out with questions like; "What is wrong with me? Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Did I not take good enough care of her? Why do you hate me?" only to move to remembering what a miracle Hannah's life was from the beginning and how good God was to us. I wish we could have had Hannah with us longer. I miss that beautiful face and sweet voice. It was her time though. God called her home...."time to end your suffering Hannah". I do believe angels walk among us. I think I gave birth to one. ;) I lived in the presence of an angel for almost 9 years. What an incredible blessing! I hope this passage I'm posting will bless you in some way. I know I'm not the only one that misses our girl! God bless! Happy New School Year!
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
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