Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Happy Birthday Hannah

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday DEAR Hannah, Happy Birthday to you!

I love my Hannah, She loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do! (((Big hugs and lots of kisses)))

I thought I knew heartache but no heartache compares to the one I feel not having you with me today. You would have been 9. We would have had so much fun and you would of had us laughing because you'd be singing happy birthday to Zachary even though it was your birthday. I'd try fruitlessly to get you to sing Happy birthday Hannah and we'd all finally just let you sing what you wanted and enjoy our quirky corny girl.

None of that was to be this year. I tried to celebrate. Thought it would be the "right" thing to do. I'm glad we did what we did but to say it helped would be dishonest. As I stood there looking at your grave all decked out in spongebob nothing made sense and it all seemed so unfair. You were so good and brave. You fought hard and I fought right with you. It's so hard for me not to feel like I let you down. Like I didn't research enough, or get you to the right doctors quick enough, or did I miss something the night you had the seizure and could I have intervened more quickly. I just feel so defeated sometimes. I miss you so much. I struggle to find meaning in life anymore. I find it but it's a struggle.

I was excited for you. You came alive this year and you were doing so well. You had friends, you were learning, you were interacting and communicating. I had so much fun with you. Things were turning around for us after a rough couple years it seemed, and in the midst of all the celebration and renewed hope we were feeling, you left us. I didn't see that coming. None of us did. Our lives were altered forever.

One thing I do know without a doubt...you were loved deeply. You were loved by people I did not even know. When I think about how much you were loved, I do feel there is one thing I did right, and that was to share you. I'm so glad I let the world know you. You did more for people than your mom ever shall Hannah. You fought with a dignity and strength beyond your years. I'm so very proud to have been your mommy. You were the best little girl a mom could have ever wanted. I hope you knew how much I loved and admired you.

I hope your birthday is celebrated in heaven. I hope they have spongebob there and that all the friends you've made were able to come celebrate with you. I know y'all probably celebrate often. I imagine heaven is one grand celebration. Still I hope this day was extra special and that you got to see the balloons we sent your way. Happy Birthday sweetheart. You are missed beyond words. All my love, Mommy

Pictures from the day in no particular order.

No comments: