Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Two months tomorrow

Tomorrow will mark the two month passing of Hannah. I'm typing this today because I don't believe I will be able to tomorrow. I've often complained that the days fly in life but man they sure do slow in death. It feels like she has been gone for years. My body literally aches to feel her against me. It's definately getting harder I think.

I find myself really struggling. As long as I do Hannah unrelated things or things that I feel honor Hannah's memory I am o.k. It's the everyday things I struggle with. I have yet to purchase groceries. Who would have thought something as normal as buying groceries would involve grieving. I did not realize how much I shopped for Hannah and Hannah related stuff. Right now I go in the store and grab a thing or two and it becomes too much so I have to go. What I do purchase is frozen stuff that I can just throw in the oven or microwave. I can't bring myself to put together a meal. Dinner time was special for me because Hannah was there under foot saying, "it's hot, very hot, yes it is" or "it's time to eat eat". In between mixing or putting ingredients together I'd have to sing and dance "First you hop hop hop all over the place, shake your dino tail and make a funny face, everybody is twisting and turning, we have a lot of fun while we're learning to do the dino dance!" I'm so very thankful that although it was annoying and a little difficult to do at times I did it anyway. Then, today I had to leave Cracker Barrel because there was way too many Easter related things around. Little clutch purses, hair accessories, and toys everywhere. If Easter is this hard I don't want to even imagine Christmas.

It is hard. It's excruciating sometimes. The thing I'm most thankful for right now is that my faith went through a transformation the last couple years. Without that transformation I would not be able to get through this. There are nights when I just cry out for help because the pain is too much to bare and I've always felt strength come. I'm constantly reminded that someone much bigger than I am is at work in my life and He loves me. One of these days I really need to take the time to tell all the things that transpired even months before Hannah's passing. I didn't understand them then but I do now. I'm thankful.

I want to say thank you to everyone that was involved in Hannah's life in any way. You made it a good one. She loved all of you and so do I. Please keep us in your prayers. We have Easter and the very next month would have been her 9th birthday. What an incredible celebration we would have had! God Bless!


Sally G said...

Marcey, still thinking about you. Wow, the hardness of everything. You need so much prayer. The song that comes to mind is "His Strength is Perfect." I think Steve Green sang it first, many years ago, His strength is perfect, when our strength is gone, He carries us when we can't carry on, raised in His power, the weak become strong, His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.
Love you,

Judy Vorfeld said...

What a blessing that little girl was to you and your family! She left a legacy of love and joy, didn't she?