Almost 12 (forgive the chaotic order of this post please! :-)

I really hate that I do not get to write here often.  This blog is so very important to me.  I'm grateful that I took the time to blog about things that would seem insignificant, because with Hannah gone not a single moment with her seems insignificant now.  I can't tell you how comforting it is to get to go back and read over our last few years together.  I LOVED being Hannah's mom.  Even in the hardest of times she made life with her a joy.

The last few weeks have been very reflective for me.  Several things have taken place...

I work with individuals who have disabilities on a daily basis and I love it.  It's so much more than a job to me.  It has its bad days, but the good ones outnumber the bad ones.  Last week part of my job involved me taking a client into three life skills classrooms in three different schools.  They call it life skills but it's academic and life skills rolled up in one.  I call it "old school".  :-)  Two of the classrooms were classes Hannah actually attended.  The third was the one she would currently be attending if she was still with us.  I was a little worried about how this would affect me emotionally being so close to her 12th birthday.  It really was good for me however.  It felt great to be among people, and in places Hannah loved.  I was reminded how loved Hannah was and continues to be.  I'm grateful for the experience.

A beautiful little girl passed away from a status seizure last week.  She had Dravet syndrome.  I watched(through facebook) as her family wrestled with all the things we wrestled with before we had to say bye to Hannah.  My heart broke for them and continues to.  I couldn't help but think that maybe Hannah would meet her and show her the ropes.  :-)  Too many families losing their babies to seizures. :-(  It's beyond hard.  

I was feeling guilty because I didn't think I was doing enough to keep Hannah's memory alive.  I haven't started a foundation, have only done small fund raisers for epilepsy awareness, and still haven't written that book I had planned to write.  I had a dream that was so real.  In my dream I was at a playground and kids were running around like crazy having the time of their life.  I found myself desperately looking for Hannah and I couldn't find her in the crowd.  I was incredibly sad and feeling like a huge failure.  My head was tucked when I heard a familiar voice.  It was Hannah.  She ran up to me, wrapped her arms around my hips and said, "it's o.k. mommy", and then ran back to play.  The "it's o.k. mommy" woke me out of a dead sleep.  It was so very real.  I wish I could adequately describe it.  It just felt like Hannah was letting me off the hook.  

So, those are just a few of the things that have taken place and made me really reflect, grieve, and celebrate my life with Hannah.  She's been gone over 3 years now.  So hard to believe.

On Saturday the boys, David, and I made a trip to the cemetery.  Hannah would have been 12 this Thursday, the 30th.  I always make a wreath for Hannah's birthday but this year I just haven't been in a place where I could.  In February I had a serious episode with my esophagus and it threw me for a loop.  I was pretty much useless for a couple of months.  Then work got really busy, the semester was coming to a close, and finals were happening.  With the stress from all of that, I had a flare up of CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome).  Ugh!  It was depressing.  I am so blessed with wonderful friends though.  My fantastic friend Shelley took care of getting a wreath for us to take to Hannah's grave.  It was perfect.  We usually release balloons for the number of years she would be old.  This year I decided to buy four plain balloons, and we each wrote a message to Hannah on them, then released them.  It felt right.  See the photos below.

After the cemetery we were able to meet some dear friends from the hood for dinner.  It was great to catch up with them.  They were greatly used by God in our lives at the time of Hannah's passing and continue to bless our lives.  Friends are priceless you know!  We're so blessed!

Thank you all so much for loving our girl and for loving us!  We wouldn't make it without the prayers and support of our friends.  You've kept us going in some really hard times.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and remember that seizures do take lives!  Precious beautiful boys and girls!  Someone's baby!  Love on a family when you hear their child has seizures and remember Hannah! All my Love!  Marcey

Kills me...

It is very painful that I have not had anything to post here in 8 months.  I went through the holidays, the third anniversary of your passing, and now it's the end of another school year.  Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you beautiful girl.  Mommy loves you and would give anything to be able to write about all you and I are experiencing together.  I'll never forget...Love you forever!

School, Shoes, and sleeping farmers...

Tomorrow all the kids will be climbing out of bed, getting dressed, eating their favorite breakfast, and heading out to start a brand new school year.  My heart will be heavy all day long and I'm sure tears will stream down my face more than once as I remember all the wonderful first days of school you and I had together.

There aren't words to express how much I miss shopping for shoes with you.  You brought such joy to the shoe clerks faces as you walked in the store and proclaimed, "SHOOOOOOEEEEES!" with such admiration that only a true shoe fan could possibly understand.  We always walked out with the cutest ones even if you didn't yet have anything to match them.  I didn't even care that I would likely spend most school day mornings fighting you on which pair to wear, because you'd almost always pick a pair that did not go with the outfit you had picked for the day.  I learned to give in and let you wear what you wanted.  One thing you taught me during our short time together is what really matters, and matching shoes and outfits just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.  With all you'd endured and survived you had earned your right to choose and be you.(quirky style and all)  None of your outfits were ever hideously mismatched anyway.  It was o.k. and you were fun.  I think you'd be proud.  I just ordered a new pair of athletic shoes and they are purple, silver, and black.  I often think of you and imagine what your choice would have been had you been with me.  I think you'd have wanted a pair yourself. LOL!  I hope they have shoe stores in heaven and you get to visit them often.  

Tomorrow the boys go back to school.  I know they miss their beautiful sister.  Daddy misses his princess.  You were/are so loved Hannah. We all just really struggle with not having you here.  Would give anything to hear your voice, feel your arms around our necks, and just see your precious face.

I wish you were here so I could read your favorite book...."the horse said, "naaaaaaa, I want some hey! but the farmer didn't wake up!"  I'll never forget you angel.  Not ever.  You were such a blessing to my life.  You'll never be forgotten. Never ever ever.

If tomorrow is the first day of school in heaven, I hope it is the best day ever.  I love sweet girl.

Always and forever.
Mom

Attendance 2010 (Week before she past away)

   Hannah at Field Day.  She had a blast! May 2009

Happy Birthday Hannah

Today would have been your 11th birthday.  It's the third one without you here.  I miss you so much.  So glad I had you in my life even if it was for way to short a time.  Love you forever sweet girl!  All my love, Momma.

For Hannah's birthday this year I went with a flag theme.  Hannah loved the pledge and the "Grand Ole Flag".  I so miss my girl.  Can't write much today because it's all pretty negative.  It's been a really rough one this year.  Thanks for all the prayers and support!

 

Remember

Yesterday I was on my way to Waco to do an assessment when I got a call and it was canceled.  I was in Hillsboro by this time so I thought I'd stop by and check on Hannah's memorial bench.  As I stood there looking at it, a woman came out of the building and asked me if she could help me.  I had to awkwardly reply, "no, I'm good.  This is my daughter's bench and I was in town so I stopped by."  She replied, "o.k." and went about her business.  My heart sank.  All of Hannah's friends have moved on to the next school, only one of her teachers aides is still at the elementary, and none of her teachers remain there.  The principal and assistant principal have all changed.  I came to realize that soon no one would even know who the little girl on the bench even was, who I was, or why this place was significant enough to our lives that we had a bench placed there.  The place that had once been such a big part of our lives would not even recognize us.  It breaks my heart, but such is grief.  It's sneaky and it's cruel.  You wake up going about your day only to be blindsided with a pain you would give anything not to feel.  A miserable realization that something so precious to you is forever gone from this world.  All I know is that I will never forget.  I will always stop and check on that beautiful memorial whenever I'm in town, and I will awkwardly announce my reason for being there every single time as well.  I will never ever forget.  Ever.

3rd Mother's Day

Yesterday daddy was cleaning on the garage and found one of the new Hanna Anderson outfits I bought you.  It was the one with all the bright tropical flowers.   Remember, I wouldn't let you wear it yet because it was for the Spring.  I so wish I had let you wear it, because it would have been so "you".  Your silver shoes would have gone so perfectly with it too.  I would love to remember the arguments we'd have everyday as you wanted to wear "that one" and couldn't because "that one" was dirty.  LOL!

I finally went shoe shopping the other day without you.  It was such a bittersweet experience.  There were no children shoes in the store but I could still imagine you proclaiming in awe, "SHOES" and wanting to try them all on.  I settled on a cute pair of platform wedges that you'd love.  I would have had to hide these from you because you'd certainly break your neck plopping around house in them.

It's my third Mother's day without you.  I still miss your voice and your kisses so horribly.  There is a void your leaving has left that just can't be filled by anything.  It just has to be endured and felt.  I'm so glad I had you.  Having you changed my life in so many ways.  I am stronger, more compassionate, more understanding, and most of all I have a voice.  Thank you Hannah for living your life to the fullest despite every obstacle put in your way.  Thank you for fighting with a smile on your face and most of all thank you for loving through it all.  Your love was such a perfect love.  One most of us do not get a chance to experience.  I'm thankful I did.

I love you sweet girl forever!
momma

The Crash...and the aftermath

It has been two years ago today since I was awakened by a familiar scream.  You reached for me, grabbed my gown, and started seizing.  Your muscles were so seized I could not get my gown from your grip .  I had to get help from others so I could give you medications that would hopefully stop what was going on.  Unfortunately nothing stopped it, and I would never hear that familiar scream again.  That blood curdling, heart stopping sound you'd make when you went into a seizure.  Oh, how I had prayed we'd one day not ever hear it again, but this was not the way I wanted it to end.

I barely remember last year and what I was feeling.  The entire year was a daze.  I was dreaming in the early hours of this morning.  I dreamed I was on a winding bridge on a highway.  Cars were coming behind me and all of a sudden my car stopped.  It just died.  I knew the other cars were going to hit me and it was going to be really bad.  We'd all likely go over the bridge railing.  I remember grabbing the car and person behind me through the broken crushed glass and metal of mine and saying, "Hang on!  I won't let you go.  You just hang on to me."  I clung to the other person and their crushed mangled car through the horror of the flying debris, jolts, jerks, flips, rolling, falling, and eventual landing of our vehicles.  Through the entire incident I maintained eye contact, smiles, and even a few words with the person I clung to.  When our vehicles finally landed I let go of my companion and they did not survive.  I just sat there broken, bleeding, and torn apart crying.  I woke up as I was telling someone that I shouldn't have let go.  It was 5:15 a.m.

The night before the doctors told us you would not recover I went to the shower.  While in that shower I knelt and prayed.  I cried and begged God to let me keep you, but I also surrendered to His will even if that meant He took you.  I knew I'd never understand it and the heartbreak would be something I'd never recover from.  I had no idea how I'd ever live without you.  Your little life was so hard physically, but Oh how incredible was your spirit for that life.  How in the world am I going to live without you!?!?!?

Your seizure was a lot like that crash and I'm living in the aftermath.  It may have been two years ago but we're still in the aftermath.  I wake up everyday wishing you were here and then deciding how to do my day without you.  Some say it gets easier.  I don't see it.  It's not easier.  Living without you is a daily decision I make and to be honest some days I just won't make it.  I crawl back in bed, put the covers over my head and just stay there.  Most days I miss you and then put one foot in front of the other.  Who knows what the day brings.  God's good and He always orders mys steps and puts surprises all along our path.  I trust in His goodness.

I spent the first year in a daze.  A numbness settled in, and I was able to get through a lot of what goes on in the first year while being snuggled in that numbness.  This second year the numbness has lifted and I've had to live in a realness.  The realness that you're gone and what that means.  It's been extremely painful to say the least.  I haven't written a lot which I love doing.  Mostly because as anyone that reads this can tell, my realness hasn't been very pretty.  It's a realness that I'm uncomfortable with, and it makes other people uncomfortable too.  People I talked to everyday for years, I may only talk to once or twice a year now.  Change whether invited or not, is here, and some days I embrace it...others, I hide from it.

So, here's where I'm at my beautiful Hannah.  I'm living in the aftermath of the crash.  I think a lot about how I shouldn't have let go.  That comes from missing you like crazy!  I want you with me.  I know you can't be here and that you're in the most capable hands of all.  I still trust in God's goodness and His love for you, and for me.  You're always in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don't miss you or want you.  You blessed my life and it will forever be richer and better because I had you.  All my Love today and everyday!  Mommy

Revelation

O.K.  so, if you see me stand in church grasping and clinging to David's arms with tears streaming down my face while we sing the "Revelation" song, please know that I'm not insane.  I'm feeling immense pain and immense joy at the same time.  Hard to know what to do with that and it almost always leads to tears and me clinging to her daddy.  The "Revelation" song was one of Hannah's favorites.  I can promise you that it's one we sang together every day at least, the last year of her life.  Now when it's played or sang I miss my girl so bad but then I start thinking about what she is experiencing in heaven and I'm joyful for her.  So if you were wondering...now you know.  LOL!

In case you've never heard the song here it is...

    

Christmas In Heaven

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Hannah's Christmas 2011

 Hannah's Sponge Bob Christmas 2011

 For The Cemetery

 Hannah's last Christmas 2009

Our lawn decoration this year in honor of our girl

I don't ever want to forget this precious face and how much I miss the beautiful spirit of my girl.  This is a photo of her last Christmas.  She loved this silly Santa hat and she always had to do that crinkle nose pose when she saw the camera.  Not a typical framed photo but it embodies the spirit of our girl so well.  I had to have it to display when we decorate for the holidays!

This has been a rough Christmas.  It's our second one without her and my heart has been broken constantly.  I KNOW the reason for the season and it does help, but it doesn't remove the pain or emptiness that not having her with me brings.  I don't write much anymore because I'm in the ugly phase of grief right now.  I'm not into sharing ugliness.  The world has enough without openly adding mine.

Love to you all and I hope your Christmas was great and your New Year brings all the hope and joy you deserve!

Keep watch....

Part of Hannah's story with Koolio will run in a magazine soon.  Once I have more details I will let you all know about it. 

Still missing my girl every single day.  So very thankful I had my beautiful Hannah in my life.  I'll never forget and will tell her story as long as I have breath.