Loss and 2014

Celebrating New Years is hard for me because with each passing year comes the anniversary of Hannah's death.  On January 17th Hannah will have been gone 4 years.  Can I just say that it feels like it's been an eternity since I held my precious girl and we laughed and played together.  This holiday season has been one of tears for me.  I haven't cried this much since her death. I'll be driving down the road and have to pull over as tears flood my eyes.  Songs are really making me cry very easily.  I watched a Garth Brooks special the other night and cried through the entire thing...and he was funny most of the time.  It's the nostalgia or something.  I just find myself really close to tears a lot lately.  As hard as it was sometimes, I loved my life with Hannah.  I loved that beautiful soul so very much.  She inspired every minute of everyday.  Some people don't understand that because all they see is the hardship, but in spite of the hardship we just had an incredibly beautiful life that can only be experienced in the midst of it.  God was so very real and present to us every minute of every day.  Hannah loved school and she was a teacher.  She taught me so many lessons about life.  I miss those lessons.  They're hard to remember when she isn't here giving her refresher courses.  She taught me how to fight, to stand up for what I thought and felt was right, to live in the moment, to play, to laugh, to dream, to hope, to believe in myself, to let others love me, and that it is o.k. to need help.  She sure did, and I owe her so much for the life I'm able to live today.  Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for being happy.  It's hard.  Some mornings I just wake up and ask God to please grab her while she's running around up in heaven, squeeze her tight, kiss her forehead, and tell her that her mommy told Him to tell her that she loves her so very much, will never forget her, and thank her for being my little girl.  I so hope she knows how much she was loved and is missed.  That being said, I am happy, and that is something I would have never thought I could say.  I have an incredible husband who loves me unconditionally and makes me laugh hysterically.  I have two of the most wonderful young men as sons.  I love their heart for others, and their dreams for their futures.  I have been blessed with some amazing friends that keep me going when I think I can't go anymore.  I have a fantastic job that I love with a boss that appreciates my crazy mind (most of the time). :-)  I am a college student at 43 years of age pursuing a degree that will help me fulfill my dreams for future endeavors.  On top of all that God has seen fit to allow me to work with organizations working with broken women and I love it.  I'm blessed in the midst of great grief.  Who would have thought?  Not me.  Can you be happy and sad at the same time....YES.  As much as I hate crying and feeling blue, it's part of loving someone and losing them so I have to allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it.  2014 is on the horizon, and I've decided I'm just going to let it be.  I'm going to cry and feel blue, but I'm also going to be happy.  God has been so incredibly good to me in the midst of my grief and I am forever thankful.  To my Hannah...thank you for being the amazingly beautiful person you were, and for loving your mommy.  I will forever miss you, love you, and will NEVER forget you.  I'm who I am today because you were part of my life.  Thank you!  To all of you...I hope your 2014 brings you the joy you all deserve.  God Bless, and Happy New Year!