update...

O.K. so, on Monday Billie got out of the hospital and we took her to rehab. It was the hardest thing to leave her there. Still we know that we can't help her and they are equipped to. We miss her terribly. Still, as hard as it is, we know we just weren't giving her what she needed here.

We are headed there this weekend to spend the entire weekend. At least I think we are. Me, the boys, and Hannah all have some kind of respiratory thing going on. Mostly allergies, ,I think. Both boys are in bed. I'm doctoring them up in hopes that they'll get over it enough but I also don't want to take anything to Billie either.

Anyway, that's where all that stands.

I wish I had a picture to post....

Last night when I put Hannah to bed she brought the doll in the last picture to bed with us. The doll had to say it's prayers and get a bunch of kisses and then it slept sweetly tucked in Hannah's arms most of the night! I was so thrilled to see her interact with a toy in this way! I almost took a picture but didn't want to disturb her and wasn't too sure how dad would have taken to his mug on Hannah's blog as he was also soundly asleep next to her. LOL!

Kisses.... Baby

I was quite excited when Hannah brought me a baby doll and told me to give it kisses. I loved dolls and still do so it was almost heart breaking when Hannah had absolutely no interest in them at all. She's been babying this one that she found in a toy box most of the morning....

Hannah visited Nanna

Tonight Hannah and I ran into the hospital for a few minutes. Hannah had on her pj's so I was thankful we didn't run into anyone we knew. Well, we did run into the pharmacy lady but she thought Hannah was cute. Anyway, Billie was so excited when she saw Hannah and Hannah was thrilled to see her nanna. Hannah went straight to her bed and wanted a kiss. We then got tickled when she told her nanna, "it's been so long." We didn't stay long because the little princess started wanting to turn off the lights and was starting to notice all kinds of things she could get into. I'll take her back tomorrow probably for a little longer visit maybe.

David's second cousin Ryan leaves for basic this weekend. I think he's going into the marine reserves or something like that. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. He'll be terribly missed while he's away.

Oh, and if you hadn't gathered Billie got out of ICU today. She's doing better. We know it's all the prayers! Thank you so much!

We got a video Monitor....

A great friend of mine had her husband dig out her video monitor and check it out. It is working great so she is going to let us have it! One more thing to mark off our list of needs! How exciting! Thank you Jennifer! You're amazing! And thanks Steve for digging it up and checking it out! You're amazing too!

Where is it?

Hannah is really started to attempt spontaneous conversation more and more. Over the weekend she would string random words together as in a sentence and look to us to respond. Of course the random words strung together didn't make sense but they were words none the less and an attempt to converse.

She's been going through this aggrevating stage where she does things just to get ya. Kyle was helping me watch her the other day when she started stripping. There is nothing that gets to these guys more than their sister stripping. LOL! Kyle put her clothes back on her and told her to stop it. She was laughing and he told her it wasn't funny. Her response to him was, "yes it is"! We were so excited!

Every night before she goes to bed she hands me her sensory toys and I set them on the shelf beside our bed. Usually first thing in the morning she grabs them before she does anything else. Yesterday afternoon she was looking for a certain one that I guess she thought was supposed to be on the shelf. She turned and looked at me and said, "where is it?" I was like, "where is what?" She said, "my thang. Where is it?" I was so excited. I grabbed her up and gave her a jillion kisses and high fives!

I know this all probably doesn't make a lick of sense to most of you, but to some of you, you understand exactly how huge all this is. It's just what we've needed in the midst of all that is going on! Every little bit of progress breeds hope! And hope is exciting!

Clarification and ramblings....

First, Thank you to everyone that is supporting us and encouraging us. We could not make it without you.

Second, about the "dog" shower. I apologize to anyone recieving an invitation that already contributed to the dog and was offended. A friend wanted to do this for us and we thought it would be alright. We appreciate everyone that has already donated to the cause. I did not take the time to go through the address list and "think" about who we should invite or shouldn't. I just didn't have the time. Please do not be offended if you didn't get an invite. It wasn't intentional, I promise. Everyone is invited that wants to come and if you were invited and don't want to attend, well, don't. I am very sorry that anyone was offended. Please forgive us and try to understand any offenses were unintentional.

Third, well, I'm not going into it. Just please give me a break. I try to do things to the best of my ability but alot of times my best just isn't enough. If you need to know more, just come stay with us 24 hours and I promise you'll leave giving us all a little more grace than you did when you first stopped in. I'm a good person. I love my family and that includes my mother in law. I'm not at my best right now, but I've been under a tremendous amount of stress that has caused severe headaches and stomachaches. Anyway, if you get mad at me for something, please step back and take all this into consideration before getting too upset at me. I'd never intentionally hurt, tick off, or offend anyone.

O.K. So, now, I'm done with my rambling! I'm getting up and shaking the dust off! In a few weeks we will have a wonderful new life changing experience and it's because people cared. We are grateful for every ounce of support and help that has been given. I'd have never asked this for myself, but Hannah needs this dog and well, she deserves it, imo. Thank you!

Still going....

Thanks for all the prayers being said for Billie. She is some better. She is still in ICU. They have had trouble stabilizing her blood pressure. Today they added a new med and it seems to be helping. I'm not sending out updates on her condition any longer but will try to keep everyone updated from here if you're interested.

Hannah is doing well. She is getting excited about her dog. It's fun to watch her learn about them and now when we ask her "are you getting a dog?" She replies, "yes, I am!" She's become so interested in her world lately. It's added work with all the messes she makes but still we are enjoying it. The alternative is not something we'd wish to go back to.

Thanks again for all your prayers!

Mrs. Miller is Beautiful....

Lately, we've been working with Hannah on her teacher's names. She has one teacher who's name she'll say occassionally at home, but never at school. Friday night I was working with her and I said, "Mrs. Miller". Hannah replied, "She is BEAUTIFUL!" I thought, "did she really say that?" Not because I don't think Mrs. Miller is beautiful just because it's something I hadn't heard her say before. So, I said, "Mrs. Miller" again. Hannah's reply...."so BEAUTIFUL!" So, Mrs. Miller should feel good because Hannah may not say her name for her but she thinks she's BEAUTIFUL!

David's mom is stable. She's still in ICU and the doctor told me that the enzymes they look at to determine a heart attack were in a "gray" area so it's kind of iffy. She could have had a heart attack or she may not have. I really believe she did or was about to. Every time she's ever had a heart attack she's had the same symptoms. This will be the third serious episode. Please pray for her continued improvement. I'm really having trouble thinking in terms of her leaving us, even to go to a rehab facility. She's been in our home for nearly 8 years now, and just walking by her room knowing she's not in it is tough. David told me yesterday he went in to talk to her and she wasn't there. It was strange. He usually goes in and talks to her a bit while he drinks his coffee in the mornings......since I started this post David came in from seeing her and spoke with the doctor. She did have a heart attack. They are concerned because the meds she is on are just about up and it is what kept her blood pressure up. Without it they're afraid her blood pressure will go back down. Which means her heart sustained some damage. She won't be coming home. She'll have to go into a rehab facility. Please keep her and our family in your prayers.

This year hasn't started off too well.

Excitement, decisions, and stuff

Well, Yesterday the last training class before ours found out who their dog was. That means that in approximately a month I will be able to post a letter and picture from Hannah's dog telling everyone it's breed and name! It was hard to contain our excitement. It's also hard to not panic about how much we have left to do to get ready for the dog.

Last night we had to call 911 for David's mom. I believe she was having a heart attack and today there has been some evidence of it. They moved her from a regular room to ICU today and have put her on meds to try to keep her from having a heart attack and to hopefully improve her heart function. My heart is heavy because a decision I thought we'd never have to make is really close to having to be made. I never thought I'd consider nursing rehab care but it is very apparent that we are unable to give Billie the care she needs. It literally breaks my heart. David is her only surviving son and she is a widow so this decision is falling squarely on his already heavy laden shoulders. He's being incredibly brave. We have not discussed the possiblity with her yet so if any of you talk to her please do not mention it in case we have not gotten to speak openly with her about it. I did speak with a facility and her doctor today. It's just so hard to even think about for me. I want what's best for her though and she has not thrived with us since her hip injury and heart attacks in 2007.

A friend of mine is throwing Hannah a "dog" shower Feb. 7th so look out for your invitation! I hope some of you can come. It will be alot of fun I think.

I'm Retarded....

"I retarded." That's exactly what Hannah said to me today plain as day! She was being a pain in her car seat as I let Jeida out today and I told Angelina she was being a brat and Hannah said, "uhhhhhhhh, I retarded." I knew the day would come but I had no idea it would be this soon. Obviously she's heard it somewhere and it breaks my heart. Still, I can't help but wonder if whoever she heard the term from was not meaning an ounce of harm in using it. How many times have I used the phrase, "stop acting retarded" and didn't feel an ounce of remorse about it? That is, until, I had Hannah. Would I still be using the phrase without a guilty conscience if I did not have Hannah? She obviously doesn't understand the term and what it implies. To be honest we made the word a "naughty" word when Hannah came into our lives. Before that it was not something we'd say on a regular basis and was always something we discouraged using but it was never a forbidden word. It was usually used because the word made a point that we were trying to get across like no other word did. So, what do I do? Do I teach Hannah that the word retarded is a bad word? When I looked it up in the dictionary it states:

re·tard 1
(rĭ-tärd') Pronunciation Key v. re·tard·ed, re·tard·ing, re·tards v. tr.

To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede.

v. intr. To be delayed.

n.
A slowing down or hindering of progress; a delay.

Hannah is delayed. Why is that bad? Because it's not neruro typical? Why is it that we have this standard and anyone that doesn't meet that standard is broken and needs to be fixed? I understand that we have to prepare our kids to live in this " neuro typical" world and that means "fixing" them so they won't be mistreated and misunderstood. What's sad to me is that my kid spends so much time trying to fit in a world that does not understand and for the most part refuses to understand or accept her that she may never discover who she really is! God did not make her like everyone else. He did not even put in her the ability to be "neuro typical". Most of us have that ability to "fit". She does not. I don't know, it just feels wrong to me. What did all the parents before us do when they found out their kids were "delayed"? Sometimes I think things had to be easier when you didn't have all these syndromes and disorders and your child was just "slow". Now, there are so many that your lucky if you even find the right one that your child fits in. Then once you do there is not one treatment but hundreds of treatments and they are all trial and error. You can easily go bankrupt and many family's have!

I had the most awesome experience this summer. We were fortunate to let Hannah participate in an aquatic therapy class for kids with special needs. All week long many of these kids lived in a world that didn't get them, that was trying to make them "fit", but for 45 minutes everyone in that pool was just like them. There was no "fitting" that had to be done. The instructor understood them and she became one of them. There was no staring when a child had a meltdown because every parent in that place understood. The support and encouragement was amazing. I watched as week after week these kids improved. Their behavior improved. Their muscle tone and balance improved. There was no pressure and these kids were thriving!

Please understand that I do know that our kids need therapy. They need "neuro typical" activities. I know we need to help them fit. However, I do believe that we can overdo it and we overdo it in a quest to be the "good parent", not neccessarily as a benefit to our child. Because every "good" mom need to say that they did everything possible to give their child the BEST life. I know that's a struggle I have everyday. If Hannah were to die tonight in her sleep having a seizure and I did not know that I had done everything in my power to keep that from happening, I'd never forgive myself. If something happned to me and I knew that Hannah was not prepared to live without me, I could not die in peace. These are real struggles and fears. It's hard. It's almost impossible to balance and adjust. At least for me it is.

So, how'd any of that have anything to do with Hannah saying she was retarded. I'm not sure. I just got to typing and could not stop. Most of you know me and know my heart so I don't think you'll take offense to anything I just typed. I love my girl. Since I was a teenager taking care of one of my mom's dear friends mentally and physically handicapped daughter's I had the desire to do something with special needs kids. Then God blessed us with Hannah and sometimes I tell him that wasn't in the plan, but honestly, I couldnt' and wouldn't trade her for anything. She has taught us so much about this life and I know she'll keep on teaching us. She is our princess who wants a yellow and green dog named Sandy! LOL! Thanks for all the support guys! I couldn't do it without you!

Yellow and Green dog named Sandy

I had the most interesting conversation with Hannah the other night. Well, if you want to call it a conversation. Hannah is very echolaic so most of what she says is repeating what she hears. However as I lay there trying to get her to go to sleep we talked about her doggie. Sometimes out of the blue she suprises you and we get a very "typical" moment with her. I asked her what color doggie she'd like to have. She told me, "yellow......green.....yellow and green". It was so hard not to laugh and if I were not totally shocked that she had even answered me, I probably would have. I then asked her what she would like her dog to be named and she said, "Sandy.....Spongebob". So, from what I gather from our conversation Hannah hopes to have a yellow and green dog that she can call Sandy after the squirrel on SpongeBob. Isn't that adorable! BTW, yellow and green seem to be her favorite colors along with purple when she's in the mood and she adores Sandy on SpongeBob. Well, she adores anything SpongeBob related. LOL! As if you can't tell that from all the SpongeBob PJ shots!

Check out Etsy store

My friend is doing a sale at her Etsy store to help with some of our expenses. She's incredibly talented in her designs. Check it out.... http://www.buddydesigns.blogspot.com/ or http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6144173

Ohio in March

I don't know why I didn't think of this before now but it's COLD in Ohio in March. They usually get their last snow in March. I don't think the boys or David even own a winter coat. We're gonna die on tracking training days! We'll be Texas popcicles! Pray I can find some winter gear on clearance somewhere! Ebay here I come!

Feeling the Pressure...

I'm starting to really feel the pressure....LOL! I spent the morning making arrangements for David's mom to have a place to stay while we're gone to training. She'll be staying with her sister in Denison and will be there about a month because I'll have to take her up early and it'll be a week after we get back before I can go back and get her. I made all her doctor appointments for the next two months so they'll be out of the way before we go. Luckily, Hannah's are all scheduled for when we get back. It's tough when her and Billie are going to the doctor one right after the other.

We're all getting more excited I think. It is starting to really set in that we're about to have this amazing constant help in our lives. Hannah is talking more about "doggies" lately. She's talking alot more lately period. LOL! Seriously, she is talking nonstop. We've noticed that she is stimming(hand flapping and rocking) more but seems to be really opening up to the world around her. She is playing with toys, playing with us, and very interested in the world around her. It's so encouraging.

I've really been fighting discouragement lately. It seems that everything is such a fight. I've felt like I am climbing this huge mountain and I can never reach the top. I just get almost there or half way there and I have to start all over at the bottom. It's tiring. I wonder if there really is a top at all. I do alot of it to myself. I take in the expectations of all the people around me and because I am so super responsible I magnify them and feel like I have to do it all myself. I can't do it all myself however and I'm not supposed to. The greatest moments in my life are when I let someone come along beside me and let them walk with me a little while in my life. So, why do I fight so hard to do it MYSELF? It's craziness really. I LOVE helping other people. I love encouraging, lifting, and helping others. Why would I think anyone else would feel differently about helping, encouraging, or lifting me? It's pride I think and it's always got me in trouble. One of these days I'll learn. Thanks to all those people who have refused to, and continue to refuse to let me do it on my own no matter how stubborn or unreasonable I get. I love you!

Wow, where all that came from I don't know. LOL! I'll keep y'all posted on all the happenings! Only 59 more days!

No longer need bed

I got a call today and we have a bed for Hannah and her dog taken care of. Thanks to my wonderful brother! Thanks Uncle Mike, Aunt Christie, and Baylee! :<)

Tragedy....

The last few days the news has been full of the Jett Travolta death. For parents with children who have seizure disorders it's the BIGGEST fear. People DO die from seizures. If nothing else comes from this tragedy maybe people will step back and QUIT saying, "well, at least you don't die from seizures". Yes, people do say that to me as incredulous as it sounds. Epilepsy as a whole may not be a number one killer, or even the most dangerous disease around. However, if you have severe seizure disorder or a seizure disorder at all, the chance that you'll have a seizure that will not stop on it's own is always there. When that happens it puts stress on the heart and lungs.

I can tell you that what the Travolta's are going through is something I fear everyday. I'm working on not fearing it, but I'm wondering if that is even possible for me. The thought of Hannah having a seizure alone without anyone knowing it until it is too late is paralyzingly fearful to me. I do not want her to be alone.

That's what drove me to apply for the service dog. I wanted her to have a constant companion that she loved and that would love her. Something that could tell us she was in distress if we were not there and that would support and love her until we could get there to assist her. I do not want to happen on her seizing and not know how long it was or how many she had before I found her.

So, my heart goes out to the Travolta's. I am praying for comfort and peace.

Tobi meeting and stuff

I didn't get any photos of Tobi and Hannah's meeting. She wouldn't stay close enough long enough. LOL! She did love Tobi but didn't like it when she invaded her personal space. When Tobi would go off or away Hannah would hollor, "Doggie, doggie, come, come" All in all I think it was a good meeting and that although she's a little apprehensive around dogs she is very interested and likes them. I don't think it'll take her long to get comfortable with her dog.

Zachary and Hannah went back to school today. Hannah was very happy about it. Zachary, not so much.

It's cold and raining here. It was 80 degrees day before yesterday and is supposed to be in the 70's by Wednesday. I know Ohio is having crazy weather too. I hope all the craziness is over before training.

Hannah will meet another service dog today....

Hannah and I are driving to Hurst to meet Tobi Mesa today. We need to see how Hannah reacts around dogs and video it. Vicki offered and we're excited about the meeting. I can't wait to see one of the dogs in action! I'll post pictures of it later.