Happy 10th Birthday Hannah!

Today was a tough day.  I woke up with a heavy heart.  David and I both spent the morning crying, missing our girl so bad.  I watched all the little videos I have of her.  Sometimes it feels like a dream that I ever had her at all.  Watching the videos makes it all feel so real again.  I discovered that our bank account information had been compromised and charges from London charged to our account so I had to deal with that.  No fun!  Even with all I dealt with we were able to get things together and headed out.  All four of us had lunch, bought some balloons and headed to the cemetary.  It was extremely hot and windy.  The wind was so bad that it tangled all the ribbons within minutes and I there was no way to untangle them.  We had to let them go all together.  That was not my plan and I felt pretty defeated that the day had been such a disaster to that point.  All I wanted to do was honor my baby girl on her Birthday.  It's just life.  Some days are good and some days are not.  The only thing we can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust God to see us through.  We ended the day celebrating a wonderful friend's birthday with "the hood".  Just what the doctor ordered.  Now, I'm sitting here typing this and thankfully listening to my wonderful husband snore.  God's good.  Thanks for all your prayers today and everyday.  I've said it before, but I believe it with all my heart, your prayers see us through.  Thank you!

   

Now to my Hannah...

Happy Birthday Precious Girl!  It's hard to believe that we've just celebrated the second birthday without you.  I miss you so terribly much.  It's days like this when your death feels so totally senseless.  I'd do it all over again beautiful girl!  I was so truly blessed to have been your momma.  I hope they have chicken nuggets and cake cake in heaven.  You are so very loved and missed!  Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear Hannah...Happy Birthday to you!  All my love!  Momma 

 These are all pictures of Hannah's grave, Bday wreath, & Memorial day flowers. 

 Also Billie's Spring bouquet.

 The wind was really bad and tangled the ribbons on the balloons so bad they couldnt' be untangled.  We had to release them all together this year.   10 balloons for 10th birthday.

 Sponge Bob Birthday balloon.

 The wreath I made for Hannah's Birthday!  I wanted her to have something with SpongeBob.

McDonalds

Every day of my life with Hannah the last couple of years, involved one and maybe two drive through trips at McDonalds.  Not the healthiest, I'm aware, but when you have a child with autism learning to communicate and they do communicate those preferences or desires you've so longed to know and understand,  it's very difficult not to reward that.  If you don't, it may not continue.  Anyway, several days a week I would run through the drivethrough of McDonalds, get her some mcnuggets and drop them by the school for her lunch.  Then she discovered the vanilla shake.  We were getting a friend an ice cream and I knew Hannah couldn't handle one, so I got her a shake instead.  She fell in love with them and everyday after school she'd get in the van and say, "hi momma, shake shake, get Zachary".  We had several minutes between her pick up and getting Zach from high school so I'd swing through the drive through, grab her a shake and she'd sit there sipping away, singing, and talking while we waited on Zach to come out.  Those were some precious precious moments.  I loved that time where she'd make up little songs with me about how Zach needed to hurry.  At any rate, that's just a little background so you'll understand what I'm about to tell.

I've really struggled with McDonalds.  Especially the one in Hillsboro.  It just hasn't felt right to go when my baby girl can't.  Last week I was heading through Hillsboro and I was hungry.  Hadn't eaten all day and Hillsboro is still an hour from home.  McDonalds is right off the interstate and convenient.  I thought I could go through.  It's been a long time.  The minute I turned into the parking lot I felt a heaviness settle on me.  I got to the drive through and I ordered just what I would have for Hannah.  I glanced back where she would have been sitting and I felt a wave of grief wash over me.  I got my order and I know the drive through attendant thought I was crazy because tears were streaming down my face.  I stopped for a minute and set everything up so it was accessible while I was driving.  Then I took the first bite.  It almost wouldn't go down.  I took the second bite and I cried uncontrollably.  I began talking to God about how unfair it was that I could eat nuggets and Hannah couldn't.  So much came pouring out of me.  I wanted to know what it was.  I let you have her but why.  Was I not a good enough mom?  Did I do something wrong?  Why did you want her and why now?  Most of the time I am rational and know that there are no answers and I know I have to trust God's love for me and for Hannah.  I dont' see the whole picture, He does.  It still can't help but feel like a punishment sometimes that she is gone.  Finally when I was completely spent and satisfied that God heard me and still cared.  I finished my nuggets and decided that every time I ate them I'd remember my girl and it was good to remember.  I long to remember.  The thought also occurred to me that who says there are no McNuggets or vanilla shakes in heaven.  Even if there aren't, there is probably something so much better.  Hannah's not missing out on anything.  I'm the one missing out.  Someday though, there will be no missing out for me either.  Until that day....I'll remember.

Love and Miss you baby girl!   

2nd Mother's Day Without you...

Today was my second Mother's Day without you.  Another card without your precious markings.  This day is so bitter sweet.  I miss you.  I wasn't up to doing much today.  I did go out to luch with the boys and it was good.  Your brothers are sweet Hannah.  I know they miss you too.  Daddy was missing nanna a lot today.  I know y'all are enjoying each other and the beauty of all that surrounds you.  Schools coming to a close.  It's been so hard not having you here to get ready to go every morning.  I just miss you baby.  I miss you so bad.  Wish you were here.  Love Always, Mommy

Shoes

I was cleaning last week and found your shoes and your favorite socks.  You know the ones that were way too small for your feet but you insisted on wearing because they were your favorites.  You'd had them since you were 2.  It reminded me about how I used to have to hide your shoes when I took them off because if you saw your shoes you wanted to go to school.  No matter what time it was or if school was out, you thought shoes...school.  You even threw them at me once because I refused to put them on you and take you to school.  School wasn't in session that day.  I'm so glad I let you go to school.  I'm so glad I put all my fears aside long enough that you were able to enjoy something you loved.  I miss you Hannah.  Everyday.  I'll cherish your favorite socks forever and remember our "fights" over wearing them eternally.  Thanks for such a great 8 years sweetie!  They were way to short, but I was given a lot to cherish in that short time.  Miss you bunches!  All my love!  Mommy

My inspiration

Hannah dear, I'm really missing my inspiration.  I love to write and have nothing to write about with you gone.  Thank you for all you gave me precious girl.  I sure wish you were around so I could love on you, and do the thing I love.  It's been impossible without you here.  Guess I never was a writer after all.  You just did things that were easy and fun to share.  Love ya sweetie and miss you with all my heart. 

Folks, It's getting harder and harder to write, and things are definately becomign so final for me.  It's been over a year and I think it just now is settling in that my girl is gone forever.  I'm sorry.  I dont' know how much longer I'll keep this blog around.  It's emptiness of words leaves me depressed.  Thanks for all the support through the years.

East to West

Today's been a tough day....actually the whole week has been tough.  You've been gone 14 months today.  It's our favorite time of year Hannah and you're not here to enjoy it.  Spring doesn't hold the joy it used to.  You loved to be outdoors and this time would be the time before it got to hot for you to.  You could enjoy the outdoors without your cooling vest and that made you super happy.  We'd sit out back and throw tennis balls to Koolio and pick the weed flowers forever.  You never wanted to go in.  I'd give anything to have you here to do all that with right now.  It's hard to even breath in the Spring air and not feel your absence.  My hearts heavy.  Your loss changed everything.  Everything is different.  It's something I don't like or enjoy but I'm trying to make the best of it.  I so wish I didn't have to endure this change.  I'd do anything not to have to.  I'm still trusting that God has a plan and that when my life is over I'll see your beautiful face again.  What do do till then is tough to understand or figure out.  I'm trying though.  I love you sweet beautiful angel girl.  I hope your happy, thriving, and being loved so fully.  I have to believe you are, for I ask God everyday to love on you until I can again.  Miss you more than words can express.  Mommy

Remember Hannah & support epilepsy awareness

Please wear purple March 26th!  Do it in honor of Hannah and help raise awareness of epilepsy!

13 mths

I still miss you terribly Hannah!  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I wish you were here.  :(

Good bye's and Hello's

My brother and sisters said our final good bye's to our dad last night.  When I left him he had Hannah's names on his lips.  She enjoyed playing with pawpaw's beard.  LOL!  I said good bye, but Hannah is saying hello.  RIP dad.  No more suffering. 

Honoring Hannah's Memory

Thank you KLTY 94.9 Christmas Wish! 

Have we lived a year without you?

Dear Hannah,

It's been a year today since I held you and sang "I love my Hannah, she loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do" as you left left my arms and went into the arms of your Jesus.  The very fact that you persoanlized Jesus as yours, is more precious to me everyday.  He is your Jesus Hannah.  He always was.

The last few days have been a time of missing you intensely and reflecting on our life with you and without you.  I would have never dreamed I'd survive the year without you.  It's been very difficult.  There have been miles of tears.  Some days I literally feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and shatter into a million pieces.  Losing you is a hurt that will never leave me.  I loved you so much.

I found your flashcards and the indian hat you made at school for Thanksgiving.  I put your hat on my head, sat on our bed, and longed to call to you, "Hannah, let's do numbers!"  You called all your cards numbers whether they were words, letters, or really numbers.  I remember we had to do "numbers" and then "matching" and we did that over and over many times each day.  You were so smart!  I had to make sure I mixed the cards up each time, because you'd memorize the order the first time we went through them, and tell me what they were without even looking at them. LOL!  Those were some precious times to me.  Some times I'll cherish forever.

The boys reminded me yesterday how you would fake burp and then say "excuse me".  I dressed you like a little lady but other than loving shoes and beads you weren't much for girly things.  I was so excited when you decided to like one of your baby dolls, and out of all the dolls you could have chosen, you chose the ugly bathtub baby. LOL!  You were a hoot!  Unconventional in so many ways, that made you uniquely you, and we loved you with all our hearts.

I could easily go on forever about all the things you did.  Every one of us have stories of what they remember about you, and the special, funny, things you did.  You affected everyone in ways no other person could.  We're all so grateful to have known and loved you.

Personally Hannah I think you were a gift sent straight from heaven to your momma and everyone else just got to reap the benefits of the gift.  Loving you and caring for you activated all those things in me that somehow, through the years, just got lost.  My self esteem, my confidence in my abilities, my love for writing, my love for learning, my love for people, my faith in people, my faith in God...the list could go on and on.  My life became so rich during the years I had you, and even since.  Because of you, I met incredible people who have been a huge influence in my life, and who have been so instrumental in helping me get through this year without you.  Having had you is what qualifies me to work where I work now.  It's because I had you that I am going back to school to do what was always in my heart to do.  You helped build my confidence, and you helped me find my voice.  You gave me reason to write and learn again.  Because you lived and touched so many lives, my love for people was discovered, and my faith in people restored.  It was through watching your life, and seeing your response to all that came you way, that my Faith in God was challenged and restored.  Yes, dear beautiful girl, you were a gift.  I wish you had been a gift I could have physically had with me forever, but oh how thankful I am that you were with me for the 8 wonderful years I had you.  I feel so incredibly blessed.

So, as I set here this morning with messages from all that loved you pouring in, telling me that they are remembering you and praying for me, I have tears rolling down my cheeks, but with a smile on my face.  There are both tears of sadness and gratitude.  I miss you more than I can ever express.  I wish you were here with me.  I long to hear your beautiful voice and touch your precious face.  One thing I know is that I will get to again.  You will one day take my hand and show me heaven, and I will long for that day until it is here.  I am patiently waiting.  In the meantime, I am grateful.  I'm grateful for all that you have meant to the people who knew you and even some that did not know you.  I am just grateful.  Sad....but oh so grateful.  You will forever be remembered and loved.  Never Forgotten...

All My Love,
Mommy

To all the people who love my girl....thank you.  Thank you first of all for loving her.  Thank you for standing by us, holding us up with prayer and support.  Please continue to pray and support us.  We can't do this without you.  Finally, don't ever forget her.  Ttalk about her...tell your Hannah stories...laugh...smile....even fake burp and say excuse me in a froggy voice...Just remember.  Never forget. 
            

Hailey

I am writing this here because I know that Hannah's friends were the most powerful prayer warriors ever for her.  A little girl named Hailey has been in the hospital with seizures since before Christmas.  She went into status yesterday and is still in status today.  Status in the epilepsy world means a nonstop or continuous seizure.  It is very dangerous.  It is what took Hannah's life.  Please pray for Hailey and her family.  Her mom's name is Tami.  We need a miracle for this little girl.

It's a little ironic that a year ago today I was requesting prayer for my own little girl who was in status.  Oh, how I hope and pray that Hailey gets to go home with her mommy.  We miss Hanah terribly and no mother should experience that kind of loss.  God's provided strength, courage, hope, and renewed faith in this last year but the almost unbearable hurt of a life without Hannah is always present.  She will forever be missed and we have a huge hole in our lives that can never be filled.

Thanks for the prayers and support.  We love y'all! 

Happy New Year 2011

Dear Hannah,  I can't believe I'm going to start a new year without you.  I miss you and I miss all the fun times we had so much.  I'm not sure what life is supposed to look like without you here with me.  I know you're always here, but it's hard without your physical presence.  I'm still pretty lost although God seems to light my path just enough for the next step, and for that I'm thankful.  I can't wait to be with you again.  It's not my time yet, so I am waiting.  We know how good I am at that!  Please know precious girl that your missed and loved more than can ever be expressed.  I will never forget and I won't allow the world to either.  Thanks for all you've meant to me and continue to mean.  For the past 9 years my New Years wish and prayer has always been the same...that you'd have a seizure free life.  You're seizure free now, but my wish and prayer remains, not for you, but for all the other kiddos out there like you.  May their parents know a day where life is seizure free, and may no more children leave their mommy's too early.  Happy New Year sweet girl!  Love Always!  Mommy