Saturday, October 26, 2013

November & Hannah

This morning I woke up thinking about Hannah.  I sure miss that girl!  She was an incredible life force in the short years she was with us.  She touched people just being Hannah.  It was so awesome being her momma.  So grateful to God for the precious gift of her life.

Not to make Hannah's life all about me, but I have to tell you that I honestly believe Hannah was a gift from God straight to me.  I was in a very bad place when I found out I was carrying Hannah.  She wasn't a planned baby, and although I wanted her the minute I knew she was conceived, I struggled greatly the entire pregnancy physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I had worked my whole life to be good enough, to be what people wanted me to be, to hide my shame, and about the time I found out I was pregnant with Hannah everything seemed to be falling apart.  I found myself super sick throughout my entire pregnancy, but was afraid to let anyone know it.  In my mind every relationship I had was dependent on what I could do for them, so if they knew how sick I was then the relationship would end.  A severe depression had set in.  I was slowly and completely giving up on life, and embracing death.

The weekend of Hannah's birth was a whirlwind.  My brother and his family was down for a visit.  I was sick the entire time.  I took a whole bottle of tums trying to relieve the pressure in my upper abdomen.  I finally decided to call the doctor and he ordered me to the hospital immediately.  When I got there I had severe eclampsia.  I was immediately put on a monitor and vitals were taken every 30 minutes for the next two days.  It was a weekend.  My doctor came in on Monday morning and announced that she would have to take the baby.  I was 27 weeks.  She said that if they did not take the baby, we would both die.  I opted to wait until the next day to have her so I could take steroid shots that would strengthen Hannah's lungs and give her a better chance of survival.  It was a very miserable 24 hours until the delivery.  I honestly thought Hannah and I both were going to die and I was ready.  I was completely exhausted with life.  My heart hurt for my boys but I was convinced they'd be better off without me.  I was ready to go.

During the delivery I waited to hear her cry.  The doctor had told us that if she cried it would be a good sign.  I heard her cry and I cried.  They took her over to a table to work on her, and announced that they had a feisty one on their hands.  I smiled.  A strength begin to build in me at that moment.    I was afraid to get attached to her because I was still not sure she or I either one was going to live.  Not long after leaving the hospital without her I sat on the side of my bed with an entire bottle of pain meds ready to take them all.  I decided to call and check on her and got a good report from the nurses.  I sat the bottle down thinking "Marcey, you're baby girl is fighting to live.  You owe it to her to fight also."  The next day I stood at her incubator promising to get help so I could be the best mom her and her brothers could have.  I wasn't sure where the help would come from, but I was going to look for it.  A journey of healing began that continues to this day.  There have been many heartaches along the way, but I've held onto the hope that was born in me through Hannah.  

And that is my life with Hannah in a nutshell.  She continually inspired me, and still does.  Hannah taught me to fight, to let people in, and that it was o.k. to need help.  She reminded me that I love to learn, and gave me a reason to learn something new every single day.  She taught me that melt downs are a necessary thing in life, and that as long as you get up and keep moving you have nothing to be ashamed of.  Hannah taught me to live life in the moment, to celebrate the small things, and to appreciate everything.  Hannah taught me to live well.  Although I wish I could have had her longer, I am grateful to God for the gift of her life that I got to share.  She's my angel and inspiration.   I'll just keep missing her and never forget.  If she meant anything to you, please do not forget.  Live in her inspiration as I do.  God Bless!

Hannah Gabrielle Chapman 5/30/2001 - 1/17/2010

November is Epilepsy awareness month.  It is super important that more attention and funding is given to this illness.  Too many families are losing their children.  I lost my angel girl to a status seizure.  Her brain and organs were damaged beyond repair and we had to say goodbye and watch as she was removed from life support.  Please help in any way you can to bring awareness and support to the epilepsy community.  Check out the links to the right towards the bottom for places to help.  Hannah story, Chelsea Hutchison foundation, Dravet foundation, Idea League, Danny Did, Purple day for epilepsy, and epilepsy foundation.

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