Friday, January 13, 2012

The Crash...and the aftermath

It has been two years ago today since I was awakened by a familiar scream.  You reached for me, grabbed my gown, and started seizing.  Your muscles were so seized I could not get my gown from your grip .  I had to get help from others so I could give you medications that would hopefully stop what was going on.  Unfortunately nothing stopped it, and I would never hear that familiar scream again.  That blood curdling, heart stopping sound you'd make when you went into a seizure.  Oh, how I had prayed we'd one day not ever hear it again, but this was not the way I wanted it to end.

I barely remember last year and what I was feeling.  The entire year was a daze.  I was dreaming in the early hours of this morning.  I dreamed I was on a winding bridge on a highway.  Cars were coming behind me and all of a sudden my car stopped.  It just died.  I knew the other cars were going to hit me and it was going to be really bad.  We'd all likely go over the bridge railing.  I remember grabbing the car and person behind me through the broken crushed glass and metal of mine and saying, "Hang on!  I won't let you go.  You just hang on to me."  I clung to the other person and their crushed mangled car through the horror of the flying debris, jolts, jerks, flips, rolling, falling, and eventual landing of our vehicles.  Through the entire incident I maintained eye contact, smiles, and even a few words with the person I clung to.  When our vehicles finally landed I let go of my companion and they did not survive.  I just sat there broken, bleeding, and torn apart crying.  I woke up as I was telling someone that I shouldn't have let go.  It was 5:15 a.m.

The night before the doctors told us you would not recover I went to the shower.  While in that shower I knelt and prayed.  I cried and begged God to let me keep you, but I also surrendered to His will even if that meant He took you.  I knew I'd never understand it and the heartbreak would be something I'd never recover from.  I had no idea how I'd ever live without you.  Your little life was so hard physically, but Oh how incredible was your spirit for that life.  How in the world am I going to live without you!?!?!?

Your seizure was a lot like that crash and I'm living in the aftermath.  It may have been two years ago but we're still in the aftermath.  I wake up everyday wishing you were here and then deciding how to do my day without you.  Some say it gets easier.  I don't see it.  It's not easier.  Living without you is a daily decision I make and to be honest some days I just won't make it.  I crawl back in bed, put the covers over my head and just stay there.  Most days I miss you and then put one foot in front of the other.  Who knows what the day brings.  God's good and He always orders mys steps and puts surprises all along our path.  I trust in His goodness.

I spent the first year in a daze.  A numbness settled in, and I was able to get through a lot of what goes on in the first year while being snuggled in that numbness.  This second year the numbness has lifted and I've had to live in a realness.  The realness that you're gone and what that means.  It's been extremely painful to say the least.  I haven't written a lot which I love doing.  Mostly because as anyone that reads this can tell, my realness hasn't been very pretty.  It's a realness that I'm uncomfortable with, and it makes other people uncomfortable too.  People I talked to everyday for years, I may only talk to once or twice a year now.  Change whether invited or not, is here, and some days I embrace it...others, I hide from it.

So, here's where I'm at my beautiful Hannah.  I'm living in the aftermath of the crash.  I think a lot about how I shouldn't have let go.  That comes from missing you like crazy!  I want you with me.  I know you can't be here and that you're in the most capable hands of all.  I still trust in God's goodness and His love for you, and for me.  You're always in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don't miss you or want you.  You blessed my life and it will forever be richer and better because I had you.  All my Love today and everyday!  Mommy


Sally G said...

Love you Marcey. Thanks for always being real. I can't imagine the pain. Praying.

Anonymous said...

Blessed to witness your faith.

mcvicki51 said...

Love to you.all You, David, Kyle, and Zach all remain in my prayers. I love you all and I truely loved Hannah. Asking God's blessing on you at this difficult time. HUGS

shirley said...

What a beautiful tribute to Hannah and to all of you for all the strength you have shown, knowing how hard it must be. You write beautiful and in a way that is just hard for me to explain. ?? You need to write a book about Hannahs life if nothing else just about the joy she brought to everyone with her precious smiles.
I will never forget the last day we spent with here during the Christmas of 2010 and how funny and happy she was. It was the first time she had paid a lot of attention to me instead of her Uncle Joe and she ate lunch with me from my bowl. What a blessing that was. I still think of her so often and her Nanna.

Dana said...

What a precious gift from God -- guess she was too precious to be left here on earth with such a selfish illness. Thank God for his mercies and healing! Amelia and I prayed for yall today -- remembering those 2 years ago when we all shared your sadness, grief, release and thanksgiving for healing and blessings. We love you all and that precious angel that we got to share a little time with!

Tammy Taylor said...

My heart hurts as I just read your post. As a mom that fears every moment that the same thing will happen to her child that happen to Hannah. The pain I feel just fearing this is hard enough I cant even imagine what it would feel like if something actually happen. You may feel you are weak at times but to alot of your friends with special needs kids....we find you very strong and admire you very much. You are living our fear. Sharing your thoughts with us each and every day ... to me your amazing and so glad to call you my friend. I will always have you in my thoughts and prayers...and I hope today you feel that extra love coming your way.

Anonymous said...

Dear Marcey,
You've been on my heart and in my prayers. ((((cyber hugs))))

I'm still sad too. I don't thinks grief ends either. It cycles through with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I miss your writing too, but I feel your pain, so I'm not complaining. You are just where you need to be. I love that song too.
Blessings and love,
hisvessel (remember me?)

Andy Swarbrick said...

Sorry for your loss & pain, possibly there is nothing worse than this.