Friday, January 13, 2012

The Crash...and the aftermath

It has been two years ago today since I was awakened by a familiar scream.  You reached for me, grabbed my gown, and started seizing.  Your muscles were so seized I could not get my gown from your grip .  I had to get help from others so I could give you medications that would hopefully stop what was going on.  Unfortunately nothing stopped it, and I would never hear that familiar scream again.  That blood curdling, heart stopping sound you'd make when you went into a seizure.  Oh, how I had prayed we'd one day not ever hear it again, but this was not the way I wanted it to end.

I barely remember last year and what I was feeling.  The entire year was a daze.  I was dreaming in the early hours of this morning.  I dreamed I was on a winding bridge on a highway.  Cars were coming behind me and all of a sudden my car stopped.  It just died.  I knew the other cars were going to hit me and it was going to be really bad.  We'd all likely go over the bridge railing.  I remember grabbing the car and person behind me through the broken crushed glass and metal of mine and saying, "Hang on!  I won't let you go.  You just hang on to me."  I clung to the other person and their crushed mangled car through the horror of the flying debris, jolts, jerks, flips, rolling, falling, and eventual landing of our vehicles.  Through the entire incident I maintained eye contact, smiles, and even a few words with the person I clung to.  When our vehicles finally landed I let go of my companion and they did not survive.  I just sat there broken, bleeding, and torn apart crying.  I woke up as I was telling someone that I shouldn't have let go.  It was 5:15 a.m.

The night before the doctors told us you would not recover I went to the shower.  While in that shower I knelt and prayed.  I cried and begged God to let me keep you, but I also surrendered to His will even if that meant He took you.  I knew I'd never understand it and the heartbreak would be something I'd never recover from.  I had no idea how I'd ever live without you.  Your little life was so hard physically, but Oh how incredible was your spirit for that life.  How in the world am I going to live without you!?!?!?

Your seizure was a lot like that crash and I'm living in the aftermath.  It may have been two years ago but we're still in the aftermath.  I wake up everyday wishing you were here and then deciding how to do my day without you.  Some say it gets easier.  I don't see it.  It's not easier.  Living without you is a daily decision I make and to be honest some days I just won't make it.  I crawl back in bed, put the covers over my head and just stay there.  Most days I miss you and then put one foot in front of the other.  Who knows what the day brings.  God's good and He always orders mys steps and puts surprises all along our path.  I trust in His goodness.

I spent the first year in a daze.  A numbness settled in, and I was able to get through a lot of what goes on in the first year while being snuggled in that numbness.  This second year the numbness has lifted and I've had to live in a realness.  The realness that you're gone and what that means.  It's been extremely painful to say the least.  I haven't written a lot which I love doing.  Mostly because as anyone that reads this can tell, my realness hasn't been very pretty.  It's a realness that I'm uncomfortable with, and it makes other people uncomfortable too.  People I talked to everyday for years, I may only talk to once or twice a year now.  Change whether invited or not, is here, and some days I embrace it...others, I hide from it.

So, here's where I'm at my beautiful Hannah.  I'm living in the aftermath of the crash.  I think a lot about how I shouldn't have let go.  That comes from missing you like crazy!  I want you with me.  I know you can't be here and that you're in the most capable hands of all.  I still trust in God's goodness and His love for you, and for me.  You're always in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don't miss you or want you.  You blessed my life and it will forever be richer and better because I had you.  All my Love today and everyday!  Mommy

Sunday, January 8, 2012


O.K.  so, if you see me stand in church grasping and clinging to David's arms with tears streaming down my face while we sing the "Revelation" song, please know that I'm not insane.  I'm feeling immense pain and immense joy at the same time.  Hard to know what to do with that and it almost always leads to tears and me clinging to her daddy.  The "Revelation" song was one of Hannah's favorites.  I can promise you that it's one we sang together every day at least, the last year of her life.  Now when it's played or sang I miss my girl so bad but then I start thinking about what she is experiencing in heaven and I'm joyful for her.  So if you were you know.  LOL!

In case you've never heard the song here it is...