Sunday, June 5, 2011

In my Dreams....

We took the boys to Hillsboro yesterday to see their friends.  Kyle has seen his a few times, but Zach has gone an entire school year without spending any time with his pals.  I'm glad he is able to go and have some fun with familiar faces.

While there we decided to stop by the elementary school and see Hannah's memorial bench.  She would be leaving this school this year and moving up to the Intermediate school.  No doubt it would be a huge transition and one I'd have spent countless hours making as smooth as possible.  I'd have spent the summer anxious about how it was all going to go, and it would all be for nothing, because she would walk right in and make her place.  Her teachers would fall in love with her and I'd walk out kicking myself for all those hours of worrying and stressing I did.  Hannah loved going to school.  As we stood there looking at the bench, all of us emotional as we were reminded of Hannah's impact on those that knew her, I didn't feel sad for Hannah, but I was sad for all those who will never know her, and for all of us that have to wait to see her again.  Hannah just had a strength and joy for life about her that was contagious.  Our world needs more of that.

One of the hardest things about having lost Hannah the longer she is gone, is that I worry I'm going to forget how she felt, sounded, smelled, etc.  That I won't remember some of the things she said or did that were so very precious.  Sounds silly, I know, especially since we were pretty much attached at the hip.  She was a part of everything I did.  At any rate I miss her, and it hurts tremendously not to have her here to hold, talk to, and touch.      

Dreams are something I've experienced my entire life.  A night rarely goes by where I do not dream something.  They are usually random, very chaotic, and senseless.  I'll wake up feeling almost hung over and battling to make some sense of what it was all about.  Usually I just have to shake  my head, clear the chaos, and get about my day.  However, since Hannah's passing I've had two very vivid dreams about her and they are totally different from the ones I normally experience.  During today's nap I had a third.  Hannah's birthday was Monday.  She would have been 10.  It is the hardest day by far for us as a family I think.  Hannah fought from the day she was born to live.  She fought a good fight, living everyday joyfully and loving life though all her pain and difficulties.  It's really easy to get into thinking how senseless her death is and how unfair it is that she lost her fight.  Believe me I know all about how our goal is to fight that good fight and that we're all going to ultimately lose, and how to lose is to gain.  I get it.  I really do.  I have learned so very much about God's plan and letting Him control my life, and the only way I have an ounce of peace right now is trusting that all He does is for good.  I literally roll Romans 8:28 around in my head hundreds of times a day.  I said all that to kind of set the stage for what I'm about to share.  I've been missing Hannah and concerned about losing "touch" with her.  I never want her to be reduced to the few things of hers displayed in a glass case as you walk in my door or a picture on the wall.  I've been troubled and grieving my loss this week.  Today I took a nap, and during that nap I saw Hannah.  When I touched her hand it was so very real.  I could feel it, I could kiss it.  I must have said, "you feel real", because she answered, "I am real momma.  Kisses!"  At that point I knelt to kiss her forehead and got a precious whiff of her skin.  I gathered her in my arms and she just laughed.  We sat for a while and I knew my time was ending with her.  No one said it was, it was just a feeling.  I said out loud I was afraid I'd forget.  Hannah told me that I wouldn't, that tickle tickle man doesn't want me to.  "Tickle tickle man?", I asked.  "Oh yeah momma, He is tickle man.  He loves us so much.  Sometimes he puts his beard on just so I can play with it and then He tickles me all over."  I said, "Is God Tickle Man Hannah?"  She responded, "Oh yes momma, He is, He is anything I need Him to be."  At that moment, she hopped up, kissed me and said she had to go.  I sat there smiling.  Seriously, I was smiling as she left me.  Then I woke up and have spent this afternoon with the words, "He wouldn't let me forget because He doesn't want me to, He loves us so much, and He is anything I need Him to be" rolling over and over in my head.

Some of you will think I'm crazy.  I can assure you I am not.  I'm pretty sure I can get a few mental health professionals to attest to that fact if we need it.  It was a dream I know.  It wasn't real, but it felt real, and I needed that.  I needed to access that part of my brain that remembers vividly the way Hannah's skin felt and smelled.  I needed to experience that sweet loving joy for life that only she could exude.  Today, I'm just thankful.  As I end this hard hard week without my girl and reflect on all her life meant to me, I also have to think of all God did in our midst and continues to do.  He's faithful.  The only way to happiness in this life is to fully trust in Him.  I'm not there yet, but I'm oh so much further than I have been.  Thank you friends for your continued prayers and support.  Y'all are the greatest!  To all my fellow special needs mommy's, please know that y'all are in my prayers everyday.  I love your kiddos and I'm forever indebted to you for sharing your lives with me.  God Bless you all!   

To my Hannah,
I love you sweet sweet girl!  Enjoy Tickle Tickle Man and all His love for you!  I'll never forget.  Mommy    

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