Saturday, May 21, 2011

McDonalds

Every day of my life with Hannah the last couple of years, involved one and maybe two drive through trips at McDonalds.  Not the healthiest, I'm aware, but when you have a child with autism learning to communicate and they do communicate those preferences or desires you've so longed to know and understand,  it's very difficult not to reward that.  If you don't, it may not continue.  Anyway, several days a week I would run through the drivethrough of McDonalds, get her some mcnuggets and drop them by the school for her lunch.  Then she discovered the vanilla shake.  We were getting a friend an ice cream and I knew Hannah couldn't handle one, so I got her a shake instead.  She fell in love with them and everyday after school she'd get in the van and say, "hi momma, shake shake, get Zachary".  We had several minutes between her pick up and getting Zach from high school so I'd swing through the drive through, grab her a shake and she'd sit there sipping away, singing, and talking while we waited on Zach to come out.  Those were some precious precious moments.  I loved that time where she'd make up little songs with me about how Zach needed to hurry.  At any rate, that's just a little background so you'll understand what I'm about to tell.

I've really struggled with McDonalds.  Especially the one in Hillsboro.  It just hasn't felt right to go when my baby girl can't.  Last week I was heading through Hillsboro and I was hungry.  Hadn't eaten all day and Hillsboro is still an hour from home.  McDonalds is right off the interstate and convenient.  I thought I could go through.  It's been a long time.  The minute I turned into the parking lot I felt a heaviness settle on me.  I got to the drive through and I ordered just what I would have for Hannah.  I glanced back where she would have been sitting and I felt a wave of grief wash over me.  I got my order and I know the drive through attendant thought I was crazy because tears were streaming down my face.  I stopped for a minute and set everything up so it was accessible while I was driving.  Then I took the first bite.  It almost wouldn't go down.  I took the second bite and I cried uncontrollably.  I began talking to God about how unfair it was that I could eat nuggets and Hannah couldn't.  So much came pouring out of me.  I wanted to know what it was.  I let you have her but why.  Was I not a good enough mom?  Did I do something wrong?  Why did you want her and why now?  Most of the time I am rational and know that there are no answers and I know I have to trust God's love for me and for Hannah.  I dont' see the whole picture, He does.  It still can't help but feel like a punishment sometimes that she is gone.  Finally when I was completely spent and satisfied that God heard me and still cared.  I finished my nuggets and decided that every time I ate them I'd remember my girl and it was good to remember.  I long to remember.  The thought also occurred to me that who says there are no McNuggets or vanilla shakes in heaven.  Even if there aren't, there is probably something so much better.  Hannah's not missing out on anything.  I'm the one missing out.  Someday though, there will be no missing out for me either.  Until that day....I'll remember.

Love and Miss you baby girl!   

3 comments:

April Brown said...

Marcey you're a beautiful, sweet and awesome person. I read this all through the tears that started flowing. This was so beautiful. I just imagine that little sweet face smiling down on you once that cry was over. It honestly sound like just what you needed. May God continue to bless ans strengthen you!

Anonymous said...

Your blogs always leave me crying, too. My heart still hurts for you and your pain of losing your precious Hannah. God is and will continue with you. Love you, sis Joan

melissa73moon said...

Sis Chapman,
I love and miss her too. Everytime I go to the school to get Matthew I see her little memorial bench sitting there and she crosses my mind. And when I go inside to get him I see her poster of all of her pictures still hanging up on the window. Hannah was a very sweet little girl and will be dearly missed everyday. Easter Sunday I had t work in Ruby's room with her and it was kind of bitter swet, the last time I worked in there with her was when I was her assistant and Hannah was in there then. And she would always make me stand right next to her while we were doing the activity. She was my special little friend. I feel sorry for the people that never knew her personally because they really missed a precious angel here on earth. Just know that she is so happy and would not come back here for anything. And when we get there she will be able to talk to us perfectly and tell us how awesome it is just to walk around with jesus all day. I love you!!