Monday, January 17, 2011

Have we lived a year without you?

Dear Hannah,

It's been a year today since I held you and sang "I love my Hannah, she loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do" as you left left my arms and went into the arms of your Jesus.  The very fact that you persoanlized Jesus as yours, is more precious to me everyday.  He is your Jesus Hannah.  He always was.

The last few days have been a time of missing you intensely and reflecting on our life with you and without you.  I would have never dreamed I'd survive the year without you.  It's been very difficult.  There have been miles of tears.  Some days I literally feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and shatter into a million pieces.  Losing you is a hurt that will never leave me.  I loved you so much.

I found your flashcards and the indian hat you made at school for Thanksgiving.  I put your hat on my head, sat on our bed, and longed to call to you, "Hannah, let's do numbers!"  You called all your cards numbers whether they were words, letters, or really numbers.  I remember we had to do "numbers" and then "matching" and we did that over and over many times each day.  You were so smart!  I had to make sure I mixed the cards up each time, because you'd memorize the order the first time we went through them, and tell me what they were without even looking at them. LOL!  Those were some precious times to me.  Some times I'll cherish forever.

The boys reminded me yesterday how you would fake burp and then say "excuse me".  I dressed you like a little lady but other than loving shoes and beads you weren't much for girly things.  I was so excited when you decided to like one of your baby dolls, and out of all the dolls you could have chosen, you chose the ugly bathtub baby. LOL!  You were a hoot!  Unconventional in so many ways, that made you uniquely you, and we loved you with all our hearts.

I could easily go on forever about all the things you did.  Every one of us have stories of what they remember about you, and the special, funny, things you did.  You affected everyone in ways no other person could.  We're all so grateful to have known and loved you.

Personally Hannah I think you were a gift sent straight from heaven to your momma and everyone else just got to reap the benefits of the gift.  Loving you and caring for you activated all those things in me that somehow, through the years, just got lost.  My self esteem, my confidence in my abilities, my love for writing, my love for learning, my love for people, my faith in people, my faith in God...the list could go on and on.  My life became so rich during the years I had you, and even since.  Because of you, I met incredible people who have been a huge influence in my life, and who have been so instrumental in helping me get through this year without you.  Having had you is what qualifies me to work where I work now.  It's because I had you that I am going back to school to do what was always in my heart to do.  You helped build my confidence, and you helped me find my voice.  You gave me reason to write and learn again.  Because you lived and touched so many lives, my love for people was discovered, and my faith in people restored.  It was through watching your life, and seeing your response to all that came you way, that my Faith in God was challenged and restored.  Yes, dear beautiful girl, you were a gift.  I wish you had been a gift I could have physically had with me forever, but oh how thankful I am that you were with me for the 8 wonderful years I had you.  I feel so incredibly blessed.

So, as I set here this morning with messages from all that loved you pouring in, telling me that they are remembering you and praying for me, I have tears rolling down my cheeks, but with a smile on my face.  There are both tears of sadness and gratitude.  I miss you more than I can ever express.  I wish you were here with me.  I long to hear your beautiful voice and touch your precious face.  One thing I know is that I will get to again.  You will one day take my hand and show me heaven, and I will long for that day until it is here.  I am patiently waiting.  In the meantime, I am grateful.  I'm grateful for all that you have meant to the people who knew you and even some that did not know you.  I am just grateful.  Sad....but oh so grateful.  You will forever be remembered and loved.  Never Forgotten...

All My Love,
Mommy

To all the people who love my girl....thank you.  Thank you first of all for loving her.  Thank you for standing by us, holding us up with prayer and support.  Please continue to pray and support us.  We can't do this without you.  Finally, don't ever forget her.  Ttalk about her...tell your Hannah stories...laugh...smile....even fake burp and say excuse me in a froggy voice...Just remember.  Never forget. 
            

6 comments:

Margaret said...

Beautiful, Marcey. You are beautiful and what you wrote is beautiful. The strength. Praying for you.
Love,
Sally

joefelein said...

Marcey and family, thank youbfor sharing your daughter. She entered our life and left her fingerprint on our hearts.,
Love..the Oefelein Family

shirley said...

We loved Hannah dearly, and were one of the fortunate ones to get to know her. We were there the day she was born along with Nana. I will never forget the last day we got to spend with her. We ate chicken and dumplings together and made a big game of it. So much fun. She put on her Sponge Box pajamas before we left. She was a joy. Know Nana is just gloating over her. Love you all.

sunflowermom said...

Marcey, I love you and your family and have been praying for you today. What you wrote is so beautiful. How blessed I was, and continue to be, to be able to share in Hannah's life.

Lisa

jaskins said...

Marcey,

Thank You for sharing Hannah's Life and letting those who did not know Hannah feel as if they did. We can remember along with you and appreciate & celebrate her life.
Jenee

Anonymous said...

Hi Marcey,
I was praying for you and decided to look here. I'm still so sorry for your loss. I'm so thankful for you, your family, & your testimony.
(((((cyber hugs)))))
Blessings and love,
hisvessel