Sunday, October 17, 2010

9 mths and final memorial bench photo before shipping

It's been 9 mths since I held you hannah, and I miss you so.  It feels like an eternity, yet it feels like just yesterday too.  I miss you terribly and will never forget all you brought to my life and your world.  The hole you left in my life and heart can never be filled.  Thank you for being the beautiful wonderful little girl you were.  My life is better because I knew you.  I can't wait for you to show me heaven.  Until I can be with you, I will work to honor your life and all you gave me sweet beautiful girl!  All my love!  Mommy

Final Memorial Bench Photo before Shipping.  Should be delivered in next couple weeks.

Tomorrow will be 9 mths since my precious Hannah left us.  I wish I could tell you that it has gotten easier, but it hasn't.  In some ways it's harder.  I worry about not being able to remember some of the things I loved so much about her.  The sound of her voice, the feel of her hair, the way she smelled.  It's so hard to grasp that we'll never see her again on this side of heaven.

All the things people say, because they don't know what to say, start to get on your nerves.  I'm not being ugly but here's what I need.  I need you to tell me memories you have of my Hannah.  I need you to tell me you loved her.  I need you to say her name.  I need you to let me talk about her as much as I want to, and not talk about her if I can't.  Don't ask me to call you if I need anything.  Please don't make me reach out to you.  If I come to mind or heart act on it.  Don't leave me out of stuff because you think I may can't handle it.  Let me make that decision for myself.  That includes conversations.  If you have a special needs kiddo, and you were part of my special needs world, please don't be afraid of me and please don't stop sharing your kids with me.  You don't have to offer any words of comfort.  Just tell me you love me and are praying.  I know all the..."she's in a better place, you have an angel in heaven now, you still have the boys, she's not suffering anymore, she's got her nanna and uncle dewayne, etc" by heart.  All that is true, but verbalizing it doesn't help.  It doens't minimize or lessen the ache in my heart or the huge hole in my life.  The old Marcey would have never said any of this, I know.  I'm sorry.  It's just hard...unbelievably hard.  I'm  pouring it out and hoping y'all will understand or at the least tolerate it and still love me. 

I miss Hannah.  I miss my life with Hannah.  Some really great things are happening for us.  We love our home and Arlington.  I'm excited about opportunities that are presenting themselves.  Honestly though, I'd give it all up if I could have the life I had with my girl even with all it's hardships.  Hannah was an incredible life force.  I miss it.  I miss her strength and courage.  I miss her love and sense of humor.  I miss her quirky sense of style and love for shoes.  Yes, I know she's in heaven and I wouldn't take that from her, but I do long to have her with me.  Not a moment goes by that I do not wish I had her in my arms.  I'll always long for her and miss her, and I don't believe that it means my faith is weak or lacking to desire her with me.  My faith is intact and stronger than ever.  Still, I would prefer she were still with me instead of heaven and I don't see anything wrong with that.  God knows it.  I told him the night before she died that I wanted her with me but that I'd let her go if it was time.  I did let her go but I still long for her.  I'm her mom and that doesn't change in death.  At least you won't be surprised when you say to me, "she's in a better place", and I answer, "yep, and I'm glad, but I would sure rather she be with me!" :)  Oh, and I went to a grief workshop with a grief specialist that has been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. and he told me I was perfectly normal in my thoughts.  I'm not crazy folks, my baby girl just died.  Be relieved, I was. :) 

All that being said, God has been so good to us and we are grateful.  I do find peace in knowing that my girl rests in the arms of God.  Every morning I ask God to give my girl a kiss and hug for me and tell her she was and is loved beyond measure.  It's an amazing comfort to believe that He cares enough about me to grant that request.  I'm eternally grateful that God continues to see us through this horribly painful time in our lives.

I know this blog post is a little different.  I guess after being told today for the hundredth time, "at least you still have the boys, they need you", and "you have an angel in heaven now", I had to vent a little.  I believe people want to be helpful, and I know I would never have known what to do in a situation like mine either.  I do think I would be glad if a friend I knew was in terrible pain, told me what I could do for them.  I love all of you so much!  Pleae keep praying for us no matter what, and please don't be upset with this blogging post.  I just had to get some things off my chest. 

For anyone that has a friend/family member who has lost a child here is a piece of an article I found. 

When Trying To Comfort Grieving Parents


Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.

Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.

Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.

Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.

Remember anniversaries and special days.

Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.

Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.

Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.


Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.

Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.

Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.

Tell them you know just how they feel.

Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.


sunflowermom said...

As I never got to meet Hannah in person I missed out on a lot but I have three things that come to mind quickly in the life of Hannay that you shared: I remember when you shared that she'd finally taken her first steps. It was so exciting to hear that news. I remember when you shared that she always called her daddy "Daddy David". Brad and I thought that was so funny. And, the classic, was when she, evidently thinking things needed to be picked up at home put her hands on her hips and exclaimed "Ya'll get up off your lazy butts and pick this place up" (or something close to that) I laughed until I cried. What a little bundle of joy! Love you and praying for you always! Lisa

Anonymous said...

I don't think I've ever felt this way about someone I know so little about--I wish I had known Hannah. She must have been an amazing little girl. You are a beautiful family; I can see why God entrusted Hannah to you. Please keep sharing your memories, photos, feelings...