Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My heart goes on...

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm missing my girl a lot. I felt a melt down coming on and thought the shower was the best place to have it. No one can hear me over the water. After my shower I came to bed and pulled up Hannah's blog and went back to the beginning. I read through the entire thing. God, I'm so glad I kept this thing. So many things I had forgotten but my memory was refreshed as I read through. I feel like my inspiration for writing died with her. I love writing but I loved writing about her. What can I possibly write about her now. It all seems so sad and leaves me flailing around for what I should do next. I don't want to let the world forget her. Not many people ask how I'm doing anymore and so many are afraid to say Hannah's name. I long for people to talk about her, to remember her. I think even my boys and David are afraid to talk about her for fear of upsetting me or making me feel worse. The only thing wrong with me is that I miss my girl. I think I'm handling her death pretty well. I get up everyday and I take showers, clean my house, get out and among people. I'm making it. I'm trying to live without her. I try to think about how happy she must be in heaven with the nanna that she loved so much, the beautiful music, and her Jesus(he was always HER Jesus). "My Jesus", she'd say. I Loved it. There are no more seizures there. No more doctors appt's and hospital stays. No more needles and procedures. I tell God everyday to tell her that her mommy loved her so much. That it's o.k. that she left me. I'll be o.k. And I am o.k. I believe in God's love for me and know that He took her because it was time. He decided "no more pain little Hannah" and took her home. I'm ready now like never before to join her some day. When it's my time. Until then, I put one foot in front of the other and love her from a distance. She's in my heart always.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Marcey,
I was wondering about you. I really cannot imagine the pain. I'm still so sorry!!! I know that grief goes in stages (Kubler-Ross?), and I am so glad that you're feeling your feelings, and not attempting to stuff (so unhealthy). I found a blog:
Its by Susan Elliot who recently lost her husband to brain cancer. She shares about him on another blog: ropeburns.wordpress.com Her book is great for the exercises (think inventories). She sounds so healthy and down-to-earth while still quirky in a good way. I don't know why I shared about her. I myself am in a sad place lately too, so maybe its just comforting to know that there are healthy role models out there who are not immune from tragedy, but cope with grace and dignity (like you too).


I'm still praying (such as they are )!!!
Blessings and love,